Tweak Of The Week CXVIII: Movies...From Beginning to End
(Updated 30 Jan 06)

Last time around we wanted you to combine the titles of two actual movies...and fit them together from beginning to end in some fashion and then come up with a whole new plot based on the merging of the two films....and you guys were great...I think you outdid yourselves once again. There were so many entries...it was difficult to narrow down...consequently we have quite a long list. We will have to do this one again in some fashion...but for now, grab a comfy chair and sit back and enjoy. I know I did...

The Empire Strikes Back to the Future: Luke Skywalker must travel back in time to assure that his parents meet so that his mother can die and his father can be horribly maimed and transformed into an evil power-crazed tyrant. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan: Kirk winds up nearly penniless and is forced to move into an outer space trailer park. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Stop The World Is Not Enough, I Want To Get Off: James Bond investigates a villain named Littlechap who wants everybody in the world to wear mime makeup....or else! (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

PygmaLion King: Disney's animated remake of My Fair Lady combines the brilliance of George Bernard Shaw with the marketability of Timon and Pumba. Soundtrack/Voiceovers by Elton John Goodman. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

King Kong Fu Avengers: Starring Brandon Lee, David Carradine, and Jackie Chan. The 25-foot ape rematerializes and vows to exact justice on those who had exploited them. Teaming up with Kung Fu masters, King Kong damages parts of the Empire State Building using martial arts. (Source of the pop hit, "Everybody Was King Kong Fu Fightin'.") (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

American Beauty and the Beast: Kevin Spacey plays a man tormented by his fantasies of a sexual fling with a candlestick and a teapot. (cdmauger@aol.com)

The Sixth Sense and Sensibility: Two polar opposite sisters try to find romance among angry and confused dead people. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

Smokey and the Time Bandits: Once again the Map of Time has been stolen.. The Supreme Being, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to teach those wily dwarves a lesson they'll never forget. *queue sound clip* "My name is Buford T. JUSTICE!" *fade to black* Creation may never be the same again. Coming soon to a theatre near you! (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

The Life of Brian's Song: A promising young athlete's career is cut short after being mistaken for the messiah. (shep@compascable.net)

Cheaper By the Dirty Dozen: Steve Martin (Father) volunteers himself and his 12 incorrigible children for a dangerous war effort behind enemy lines. In the process of carrying out the mission, the family becomes very close and the children well disciplined; they even adopt a war orphan. Watch for the sequel: Cheaper by the Baker's Dozen (pjb1671@yahoo.com)

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures in Babysitting: Two teenage wastoids take small children on a trip into the past. (cdmauger@aol.com)

Fantastic Four Weddings and a Funeral: All four members of the superhero team suffer amusing trials and tribulations leading up to their weddings. Sadly, the original fifth member of the team, "boy who can't really do anything, but he does have an invisible car", failed to recognize the hazards of using his so-called super power while trying to merge onto the freeway, with predictably tragic results. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

A Few Good Men in Black: Aliens find themselves court marshalled to intergalactic military court run by US government and Jack Nicholson. (catbiddle@brown.edu)

Wayne's World According To Garp: Wayne takes up writing and wrestling, and Garth finally reveals that he's actually a transsexual (hence his question about a cross-dressing Bugs Bunny), which surprises nobody (particularly Donna Dixon, who instantly recalls her "Bosom Buddies" days). In a very un-schwing moment, Wayne -- singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and not paying attention -- rams his 1972 AMC Pacer into a car where Ben Oliver (Rob Lowe, finally getting what he smarmily deserves) is being cavity-searched. (murdoctor@aol.com)

Runaway Bride of Frankenstein: Elsa Lanchester gets one look at the zombie she was made to mate with, gets the hell out of there, and marries Richard Gere. That turns out to be so bad that she rips herself back into miscellaneous body parts. (strontium901@juno.com)

A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead: The Beatles do everything they can to run from what looks like a crazed pack of teen girls. Finally, when they stop once too often to sing a song, some catch them and go to eat their brains because they're zombies. But they go hungry, because if the Beatles HAD any brains, they'd have let the REAL girls catch them and screwed THEIR brains out. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Purple Rain Man: An autistic "artist formerly known as Prince" performs on stage, and definitely, definitely wows the audience. (cdmauger@aol.com)

Stop Making Sense and Sensibility: The Jane Austen classic as done by the Talking Heads, complete with funky beats and big white suits! (MrglsJon@aol.com)

Cold Brokeback Mountain: Nicole Kidman endures poverty, starvation, and assorted dangers only to see her sweetheart, Jude Law, materialize out of a wintry haze riding bare back and naked with his favorite Civil War buddy, Heath Ledger. They barely make it out alive as she trains a shotgun on them and starts blasting away. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Madam Dolly Parton takes revenge on non-paying johns. (shep@compascable.net)

How Green Was My Valley of Gwangi: Maureen O'Hara and Walter Pidgeon lead an unsuccessful battle against prehistoric monsters until James Franciscus appears and convinces local Welsh miners that the beasts are determined to out sing them. Special vocal effects by Llwellyn Harryhausen. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

The Soylent Green Mile: Tom Hanks plays a prison guard who discovers that the chow in the cafeteria is made from dead prisoners. (cdmauger@aol.com)

Memoirs of a Geisha Boy: Jerry Lewis stars as the surviving member of a defunct vaudeville duo whose quest to regain fame takes him to Japan... then to France... Hey, LAAAY-deeeeeee! (lilfishjean@comcast.net)

Dirty Harry Potter: A Hogwarts School of Witchcraft student with little regard for rules (but who always gets results) tries to track down a evil wizard who strikes at random victims. (fparsons@yahoo.com)

The Wolfman of La Mancha: Aging nobleman is bitten by a werewolf and attacks windmills during every full moon. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

Free Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: When a boy learns that a beloved Chocolate maker is to be killed by the new factory owner (Charlie), the boy risks everything to free the candy maker. (fparsons@yahoo.com)

Patton Mike: George C. Scott and Katherine Hepburn, who have been dying to do a film together, star in this WW II comedy. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Heaven Can Wait Until Dark: People wish they were blind when watching a Warren Beatty movie. (skibip@aol.com)

(A 3-way movie) Scenes from a Maltese Falcon and the Snowman: Humphrey Bogart and Sean Penn star in this Woody Allen film about two brothers who try to steal a prized falcon from the Glendale Galleria. (cdmauger@aol.com)

All Reservoir Dogs Go to Heaven: The perfect crime goes awry as one of the perpetrator's dogs returns from the dead to work as a police informant. (shep@compascable.net)

Mr. & Mrs. Smith go to Washington: Assassins, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are elected to the US Senate from the great state of California and immediately proceed to filibuster legislation providing troops overseas with much needed supplies with a long, rambling, indecipherable speech about how we need to return Iraq to the days of lollipops, and gumdrops, and rainbows, and dewy meadows under the benevolent dictatorship of the great Saddam Hussein. Finally, they whip out an arsenal of automatic weapons and threaten to blow away any senator who refuses to adopt an Ethiopian baby. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Like Water for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Willy Wonka offers the Chocolate Factory to Charlie but Charlie turns him down. Willy Wonka is so upset by this turn of events that he pours his feelings into his candy-making, with the result that everyone who eats it can feel the weight of his emotions. (spikerkta@aol.com)

JFK-Pax: Conspiracy theorists come to the conclusion that Kennedy was killed by an assassin from another planet. (cdmauger@aol.com)

The Unbearable Lightness of Being John Malkovich: A puppeteer finds a mysterious passage into the head of actor John Malkovich, where to his surprise, he finds Mr. Malkovich fantasizing about being a promiscuous Czechoslovakian doctor. Taking on the role of Cyrus "the Virus" from Malkovich's "Con Air," our hero fights back a major Soviet invasion. (cdmauger@aol.com)

The runners-up...all three of them...who win origamis and 30 Rat's Asses...

Groundhog Day of the Triffids: A man keeps reliving the same day, wherein he is chased by malevolent alien plants that predict 6 more weeks of winter. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

Lepre-Con Air: A man falsely convicted of manslaughter boards a prison plane packed with blood thirsty cons...lepre-cons. They commandeer the plane, crash in Vegas and blow all their gold on the slots. Just wasn't anyone's lucky day. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Remains of the Day of the Dead: Anthony Hopkins re-creates his role as the perfect butler. This time serving brains with the tea and scones. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

The winner...who would probably have Johnny Depp's undying love...IF Johnny Depp read HMO that is...but instead they get 50 Rat's Asses and that Sin City comic book...

Ed Wood Scissorhands: Ed Scissorhands is just trying to fit in... to that cute little cashmere number. (advocata.diaboli@gmail.com)




The prize this time around is quite odd. I think it's a very small plastic flower frog. You use them in flower arranging...hey, I didn't name it...that's what they are called. Of course it might be something totally other than a small plastic flower frog - but that's the only thing that I could think it was...and I don't think I need it...and it kinda fits in with our Valentine's Day Tweak...you know - Valentine's Day...flowers...cheap plastic flower frog. See? Anyway, it's about 1 1/2 inches in diameter...and it's round...and it has a bunch of spikey plastic...well spikes...rather like in the photo...but that's not the one you are getting as I'm tired of asking someone in the house to show me how to work the scanner...I am cheating and found a photo that rather represents it, online. Anyway, I've spent way too much time talking about an item that is probably valued at 35 cents...it can, however, be yours, IF you win this round's Tweak.


Two-Faced Poets II

We did this contest a long, long time ago...but not strictly for Valentine's Day...this time we're taking advantage of that fact. Now since this was not an original contest idea to start with...and we've seen this one a couple years ago circulating around...and for all I know, it's making the rounds again in time for V-Day, so don't try to send in any winners from the email...as we still have the copy. :) Oh, but you guys don't need any help when it comes to being funny. Anyway, the concept behind this contest is where you write a poem...like maybe you'd find in a Valentine's Day card, the first part being romantic...the last part being totally unromantic (well, that part you probably wouldn't find in most cards). You can make them short (like below) or a little longer...we just ask that you refrain from doing any epics...oh...and I'm going to do my best to have this picked by Valentine's Day...so get your entries in early!

Here are some choice examples that were picked the first time we ran the contest....

You were a girl that was like no other,
But now you sound just like my mother. (rocesblader02@hotmail.com)

My love for you knows no borders.
So, I'll just ignore your restraining orders. (paul.north@yale.edu)

As we sit in the tub, make love and soak....
We are married because the rubber broke. (tw_holmes@hotmail.com)