Tweak Of The Week CXIX: Two-Faced Poets II
(Updated 15 Feb 06)

Last time around we told you to make up a Valentine's Day card sentiment...the first part being romantic...the second part...well, not. I think some of you have futures in anti-love cards...see for yourselves...

I think I've been struck by an arrow from Cupid...
Because you're not only ugly, you're also stupid. (

I love to bask in your sweet perfume...
Now get out of the tub, 'cause there's no damn room! (

My love for you will never end,
That's how I met your hot best friend. (

My love is blind and knows no bounds...
One look at you...release the hounds! (

I love you so, you make life heaven...
But each year with you seems like seven. (

Darling, I'd love to marry you and walk you down the aisle...
But because of your gigantic fat ass it'll have to be in single file! (

I know you think that I'm your hunk,
But ask yourself, "do you feel lucky, punk?" (

We'll always be together my honey-bum...
'till your daddy sells that big shotgun. (

My dear, I love you dearly...
Then I sobered up and saw you clearly. (

You are so beautiful to me;
Course on the eye chart, I can't see the big 'E'. (

You're a perfect 10, my dear Lillian...
On a scale from one to a'trillion! (

My widdle wubber baby boopkins;
We're like two snuggly wuggly Pooh twins,
But if you don't stop talking silly...
I'll pack my bags and move to Philly. (

You were always the sunshine of my life,
Until I caught you with my brother's wife. (

Dear, with your looks, a movie star you could be:
A natural for the part of Nanny McPhee! (

Your skin is like silk. You're as fresh as a daisy...
I know you want sex But I'm just too lazy. (

I pursued you and wooed you until you were mine;
Now I can get that loan if you'll just co-sign. (

You are sweet as a cookie is crumbly...
Here are the divorce papers--I submit them humbly. (

You are my world, you are my wife...
You are the cause of all my strife. (

I knew I'd found the right girl directly,
'Cause most of your tattoos are spelled correctly. (

Last year we got married, I put a ring on your finger...
Now I'm dumping your a** on the set at "Jerry Springer". (

You're my one true love, my delicate flower,
And you only charge $10 an hour! (

I can remember the very first day that we ever met,
And to think it never would have happened if I hadn't lost a bet. (

I like it when you hang around a lot...
So, here's a rope, tie your own knot. (

Who knew when our eyes first met
That you could run up so much freaking debt? (

Honey, I'd TAKE YOU over any other girl...
Because I'd like to give threesomes a whirl. (

Your eyes are blue, intoxicating and tender...
Like Courtney Love on a three day bender. (

With a wife like you I'll never need a vacation,
Because you've finally said yes to the breast augmentation. (

Ah, fish net stockings make such a sexy dish...
But, on you they look like they still hold the fish. (

Our love has been rocky, but it never fails...
Me buying your tampons sure does tip the scales. (

The runner-up, who will receive 30 Rat's Asses and an origami of their choice...

Thinking of my life without you in it...
Allows me happiness for just a minute. (

The co-winners...who will be battling it out over the single plastic "flower frog" I have...but who both get 50 Rat's Asses...

Birds will sing in blue skies divine...
If you will be my Valentine.
But if you say you won't be mine...
Then stick this where the sun don't shine. (

Your body's a temple, a wonderful creation...
But it sort of looks like you've had a large congregation. (

The prize this time around is a kitschy set of painted wood napkin rings...oh, who are we fooling, they are tacky...but if you want to tell everyone they are kitschy...we'll back you up. One is a strawberry and the other a watermelon. All I can say is they are both red, therefore they match. Hey...and they are both fruits. And they are both ugly. Lastly, they both can be yours IF you win this Tweak. (Photo to follow shortly.)

Signing Off...Again

Well, I've dug this contest out of the archives as I really think it warrants being done again. The last time we did it was back in April of it's due. Therefore I am going to just pretty much use the write-up that I used last time.

This biohazard sign parody was making its rounds a couple years ago - and to me, the person who came up with some of these captions is in particular makes me laugh each time...but then again, I watch the weather channel a lot, too. But besides that fact, these are actual signs the government "invented" to help in case of some type of catastrophe...but they are reading like the ones on a German other words, they can be ANYTHING. Therein lies the fun...I know you guys can come up with some funny, witty, off-the-wall interpretations/captions of these signs, and that's what we are looking to see...the wackier the better. Keep in mind, they don't have to be "hazardous-based" - they are what you make them. Now we know the Internet highway travels fast, so please don't use any of the ones from the "altered" version circulating around, in fact, if you haven't seen it - send your entries in FIRST...then check it out - and if you can't find it - email me, and I'll send you a copy AFTER this contests ends...or better yet, I'll post it in a link for all to see. It really is hilarious and worth the read. Anyway...send as many as you would like, multiples here at HMO are not only welcomed, they are encouraged. What we do ask is that you put the number of the sign you are doing before each entry. Other than that it's pretty much now in your hands...let's see if you can outdo yourselves this time around. I came up with one example sort of put a stop to 25 of the same one.

For those of you who'd rather have the "condensed" rules, here they are: 1) Look at sign 2) Make up funny meaning for sign 3) Don't forget to tell us which number sign. 4) Send entry.


Example: 19. Men's bathroom sign in "Taco Bell".