Tweak Of The Week CXX: Signing Off...Again
(Updated 22 Mar 06)

Last time around we gave you a bunch of actual government signs and asked you to come up with meanings for them. As last time...I highly enjoyed it...and had some bang up good entries, which made it all the more difficult to pick the winners. I put them in numerical order so it will be easier to look thru the signs. I'm wayyy too nice.


2. Warning: Severe auto sticker price shock ahead. (

2. Warning: Hybrid charging station ahead. (;

2. Driving a station wagon, eh? Man, you are so whipped! Whoot-TISHHHHHH! (

2 Employment opportunities for persons skilled in hot-wiring automobiles. (

3. When you're playing leapfrog and everyone else goes home, don't get overly emotional about it... (

3. Copy the body positions indicated by the red arrows and you will be receiving your colonoscopy momentarily. (

3. Basic positions for taxpayers making less than $100,000 a year. (

3. Illustrated 'Duck and Cover' positions when hunting with Dick Cheney. (;

4: Beware of Tetris. (

5 We pay highest prices for body parts. No waiting. (

5. The Bush Administration Health Plan (Just the poster; that's it) (

7. Vampire residence! Please keep all drapes and shutters closed during the day. (

7. "Talk to the hand coz the face ain't listening!!" (

7. Here, Bob demonstrates the international symbol for, "Man, I ain't even tryin' to hear that!" (

7. DANGER! American Idol prelims and an open 10th story do the math! (

7. Always protect yourself from sunlight and fresh air during extreme hangover. (

7. Loud neighbors sound closer than they appear. (

7. Never show your face when flashing gang signs out the window (Seen in a LA Holiday Inn). (

8. Sorry, for any inconvenience..but downsizing is everywhere. (

9. Never stand this close to a target on an archery range. (

9. I've got 5 minutes and 12 seconds after my wife applies her perfume to get at a safe distance. (

10. If you cannot do the Vulcan peace sign then you must exit the Star Trek convention. (

10. The artistic rendering of that fine old saying, "don't let the door hit you in the keester on the way out." (

10. If I hear this door slam one more time, somebody's going to get SLAPPED! (

10. A small bribe will get you out this door, or you can use the back door with the other riff-raff. (

10. If you find a severed hand lying around anywhere, GET OUT OF THERE -- FAST! (

10. If you open the Emergency door and set off the alarm, you will get slapped! (

11. Employees must wash hands after getting high. (

11. Keep your damn hands clean! Big Brother is watching. (

11. If you have a compulsion to watch dumb hand shadow shows..there's a Visine for that! (

12. Improve your catch with toxic materials. (

13. How to get served faster at Seven Eleven. (

14. Signs that appear everywhere in and around Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion. (

15. Before the concrete slab crushes your chest, please turn on your flashlight to make it easier for rescue workers to find and remove your body. (

15. Playing with your lightsaber is prohibited at Stonehenge. (

15. Remove cushions before searching for change. (

16. The devil may be in the area, so let us spray. (

17. Hokey-Pokey for Dummies (

17. If you hear strange noises coming from your parents bedroom, just keep on a walkin'. (

18. CAUTION: Eating Habanero peppers may cause uncontrolled screaming and hair loss. (;

18. Whistle while you work, or shout "I can't stand this fxxxxxx job. (

18. A sign to illustrate acceptable behavior if the coming attractions in a movie theater continue beyond the 20 minute mark. (

19. Please! No more disco infernos. (

19 Warning: stay well ahead of the Olympic torch bearer or your ass may be grass! (

19. No more action movies with guys outrunning explosions! (

The runners-up...who both win whatever amount of points (okay, it's 30) and an origami of their choice...

12. Hmm...should I eat dead fish that I find on the banks of a river? I wonder. (

1. Homeland Security Warning: Deadly radiation contaminating whole region. Get your plastic sheeting up, you'll be fine. (

And the winners...which I again asked for help to this one was quite hard to pick. They both win 50 Rat's Asses and some tacky napkin rings...they can battle it out over the napkin rings...I have other equally tacky ones...

3. French Civil Defense Zone Ahead (

4. NO SMOKING! Light up, we'll drop a building on you. We're really, really serious. (

The prize this time around was almost record breaking. For some odd reason my son's college tried to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by breaking the previously set one of people donning Groucho Marx nose/glasses en masse. Why? You got me. But they didn't break the record...and had lots of leftover glasses...that's why we have a ton. These can and will be yours IF you win the Tweak this time around.

Science Rules!

Well, it's that time of year doubt you've all read about the girl with the science project where she ran around to different fast food restaurants...tested their ice and also the water from their toilets, and found out the ice was filthier. guessed's school science project time again...and we had to wrack our you have to, too. What we want you to do is to come up with a bizarre science project...given the rules my daughter has to follow. Of course, feel free to BEND them to suit your in my example. Now, we do want something entertaining, funny, witty, off-the-wall, or just plain outrageous.

But again, there are rules...You can't use:

live vertebrates

microbial cultures and fungi


batteries with open-top cells

preserved animals or their body parts

human body parts

food syringes


hypodermic needles


dangerous chemicals

radioactive materials

We would like a title and a little hypothesis of the project...and maybe a conclusion. Don't feel like you have to submit photos, but I did because I thought it was high time I used this photo for SOMETHING here as everyone and their brother has submitted it to me to use for a PhotoLaughs...only I never thought it had a lot of potential. Here it's least after a glass of wine...

My Example:

What Food Does My Kitten Like Best?

Hypothesis: I think my kitty will like the moist food best.

Conclusion: I put out two bowls of was Fancy Feast moist and the other was Meow Mix dry food. Now, I know the rules said I couldn't use a vertebrate, so I had to remove the backbone out of my kitty first. Seems like she liked the dry best...altho I don't think she was really able to get up and walk over to the you can see by this photo.