Tweak Of The Week XLIX: Roasted-Toasts
(updated 1 Jan 03)

Last week we asked you to come up with a fitting celebrity toast, but to do it roast style. One happened to fall into the "celebrity of the moment" category, but that still counted.

To Michael Jackson: Here's to you, Michael... The Media was so unfair... Your son had just done what baby's do... And you were just drying your heir. (

To Kevin Eubanks (from Ed McMahon): Thank you and your drug habit for making people forget about my alcoholism. (

To Winona Ryder: May the road rise up to meet you; may the wind always be at your back; and, may the video cameras at Macy's always be turned in the other direction. (

To Jerry Springer: Here's to you and me, may we never disagree; but if we do, to hell with you...Wait!!! Don't throw that chair!!! (

To Trent Lott: Sorry he couldn't be here, he is too busy painting all his yard jockeys white. Wishing you the best of luck on your apology tour of 2003. (

To Winona Rider: May your days be merry and bright! And may all your jumpsuits be black and white! (orange is not your color) (

To P. Diddy: Here's to P. Diddy, formerly known as "Puff Daddy", formerly known as Sean Puffy Combs..formerly known as Defendant..formerly known as....? (

To Trent Lott: To old acquaintances... for whom you forgot were in the Segregationist Party. (

From Monica Lewinsky: Here's to a really good cigar and overblown issues. (

From the $315 Million Powerball Winner, Andrew Whittaker: Kiss my ass you losers! Have a great year! (

To Al Gore: Here's to "Old Gorey"..Long may he wave, goodbye! (

To the cast of "Friends": Whilst you roll in your $1 million per episode each, let all America realize that NOBODY is THAT funny. (

To The Osbourne Family: Have a @#&%* great New Year and @#&%* the @#&%* so the @#&%* is @#&%*!!! And may God bless! (

From a tipsy Mariel Lemieux: "S'goal!" (

Ronald Reagan making a New Years Toast: "May old acquaintance be forgot....heck, I don't even remember who I am!" (

The winner of those "great" shower curtain holders...

To Cris Judd: 'Tis better to have loved and lost and walked away with about $15 million to keep your mouth shut than have to spend the rest of your life with J-Lo. (

Well, seeing as I have all these boxes of Christmas stuff out - and they will probably remain out until June, I delved into one to find something totally, um...different. Now, far be it from me to care what someone hangs on their tree, but this one remains an enigma to me. It is a realtor guy, dressed in a blue suit, holding a FOR SALE sign in one hand and a pencil in the other...under his arm he has some kind of folder or maybe a briefcase saying "SOLD". Got me...but that's what it looks like...maybe it's the sign you put over the FOR SALE one...I'm puzzled. This spiffy ornament is made in Taiwan and is still in its original unopened package. Anyway, believe it or not, the original price of this thing was $4.50...but it can be yours...much, much, as a matter of fact, IF you win this week's Tweak!

$25,000 Pyramid Scheme

Now some of you may be old enough to remember the game show, "$25,000 Pyramid"...then, I think later on, when everyone lost interest, they upped the ante and rechristened it "The $100,000 Pyramid" or some other astronomical number of dollars I'll never see. Well, Leis has just informed me it is back on the air with Donny Osmond hosting it...a fact I probably could have lived without knowing, but in case you still haven't seen it, read on. Basically, the premise behind the show's final bit was: There were two people, one usually being a has-been celebrity, the other, the contestant...facing each other, one's back to the clue pyramid. The one facing it would try to give clues to the categories that would be displayed...and the other would try to guess them. It wasn't a bad show - and was pretty entertaining to see the people try to NOT use any part of the answer in their clue...which would, of course, disqualify that category. Anyway, that is what we are trying for here...just pick one (or do them all if you'd like) of our categories below...and then give off-the-wall, funny, silly clues for it. Now, not so off-the-wall or silly that they would never pertain to that category, mind you...and of course, true to form, do not use ANY of the key words of the category in your clue, or you too, shall be disqualified. You should come up with at LEAST three "clues"...feel free to think of more, but don't go too overboard on us. Saying "huh???" about now? Then check my one and only example below to help you out.

Things That Sound Like a Tornado:

Your wife's new "whisper quiet" vibrator she bought herself for Christmas.
The garbage disposal you installed yourself...backwards.
Yoko Ono's latest CD.

Things You Might Hear at a Subway Station

Things You Might Hear at Subway

Movies That Would Have to be Renamed Had CarrotTop Starred in Them

Things You Might Hear Your Dentist Say

Natural Disasters NOT Involving the Jackson Family

Acronyms the PETA People Rejected

Reasons Why a Singer Might be Called "Moby" in Bed

Ways the Mafia Might Try to Go Legit

Words President Bush Refuses to Try to Pronouce

Words That Almost Rhyme With "Purple"

Things a Cheerleader Might Say During an IQ Test

Ways to Cover Up a Hickey

Missing Star Trek Episodes

Complaints You'd Hear on "Celebrity Mole"

Items Too Tacky For Even "Pier One Imports" to Sell

Makeshift Substitutions For a Condom

Broadway Skating Show Titles

Things You Should Never Use as Toilet Paper

Things a Hobbit Might Say

Ways Eminem Might Propose Marriage

Things Liza Might've Said on Her Honeymoon

Things You Might Have Seen New Year's Eve in Times Square

Things You Might Have Heard New Year's Eve in Times Square

Things That Sound Like a Tornado