Tweak Of The Week L: $25,000 Pyramid Scheme
(updated 12 Jan 03)

Last week we asked you to come up with at least three clues to categories which were provided for you...kinda like what they did on the "$25,000 Pyramid" game show. Well, it seems like some of you did nearly every topic off the list...and maybe you did. I must say I really enjoyed reading these, and picking the winner was not an easy task as I easily could have done a three or four-way tie. To make it a bit easier, I put them in category order, so they are not in any kind of Top Ten layout.

Things You Might Hear at Subway: "Slap some meat in those buns." "YES, I want it HOT." "Now squirt oil up and down my 6-incher." (

Things You Might Hear at Subway: "WE LIKE IT HOT!" (yeah, right). "I've been eating these meatball-and-cheese foot-longs everyday for three years now, and that Jared is so full of $#it!" "O.K., I took out my nose ring like I'm supposed to, but now I can't find it anywhere. Have there been any complaints?" (

Movies That Would Have to Be Renamed Had CarrotTop Starred in Them: Sense and Sensibility. Tough Guys. A Star is Born. (

Movies That Would Have to Be Renamed Had CarrotTop Starred in Them: Dial 1-800-CALL-ATT for Murder. Snow Red. It's a Ridiculous Life. (

Things You Might Hear a Dentist Say: "Open wider, please." "Now when I insert this in your mouth, don't bite!" "Okay, you can spit, now." (

Acronyms the PETA People Rejected: MEAT - Mandating Ethical Animal Treatment. CARCASS - Care And Responsibility Concerning Animals' Sustained Survival. STEAK - Striving Toward Ethical Animal Keeping Reasons. (

Reasons Why a Singer Might Be Called Moby in Bed: He's from a small town named Melville. He's in a porn musical called "Sperminator". He can really wail. He's an albino with big feet. His middle name is Dick. (

Words President Bush Refuses to Try to Pronounce: Conundrum. Syllogism. Peace with Iraq. (

Missing Star Trek Episodes: Spock Gets His Ears Pierced. Static Klingon. Great Scott, Scotty! (

Missing Star Trek Episodes: Let That Be Your Last Ripped Shirt. City On the Edge of Lot B. The Trouble With Toupees (

Items too tacky for Pier One Imports to sell: Tickle Me Kirstie Alley. Wicker lamp full of illegal exotic beetles. Asbestos candles from Malaysia. (

Broadway Skating Show Titles: The Iceman Cometh. Figure eight is enough. Ankles Away. (

Broadway Skating Show Titles Stomp: The Tonya Harding Story. Les Miserables score from the Russian judge. Oklahomo. (

Things You Should Never Use as Toilet Paper: The cat. Your marriage license. Listerine Power Strips. (

Things a Hobbit Might Say: "I wish I was a little bit taller." "I wish I was a baller." "I wish I knew a girl with small, hairless feet, I would call her." (

Things a Hobbit Might Say: "I need to get my feet permed." "My face is at everyone's else's crotch." "My, that dwarf is tall." "That's BILBO, not dildo." (

Things a Hobbit Might Say: "Damn that Randy Newman! Damn him to Hell!" "If I hear one more person say 'they're magically delicious,' I'm gonna rip their freakin' head off!" "No, I've never even met Mr. Flatley. It's 'Lord of the Ring.' RING!" (

Things Liza Might've Said on Her Honeymoon: "So? I'm gay too!" "That's okay; I know how to use a vibrator." "This is SO not in my contract!" (

Things Liza Might've Said on Her Honeymoon: "Do you like the lavender sheets, Hun? I thought they were a nice touch." "They want us to do one of those reality-based TV shows, but we'd have to be some kind of weirdos to pull that off." "Let's see how close together we can get without actually touching...NAH!" (

Things Liza Might've Said on Her Honeymoon: "It's my bedtime, but I don't suppose you're up to it." "I imagine you'll be sleeping in the Gest room?" "Could I get you something before you turn in, David...a snack, a nightcap, the Bell Hop?" (

Things You Might Have Seen New Year's Eve In Times Square: Double vision Someone possibly drunker than you. Dick Clark, still not showing his age of 120. (

The winner of that "fabulous" real estate ornament:

Things You Might Hear Your Dentist Say: "I took an oath to do no harm, but technically I can cause as much pain as I want...MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!" "WOW! With a mouth like yours, I can put my eight kids through college, no sweat!" "Now I want you to suck on this gas for a few minutes...mind if I have some before we get started?" (

The prize this week is from a McDonald's Happy Meal...yes, we have sunk pretty low to rip off a toy from the kids again, but what the hell, it's in the interest of comedy...not because it really doesn't weigh anything and wouldn't cost much to ship. No, never that. Anyway, it's pretty much in new condition only it has been taken out of its hermetically sealed factory plastic. As you can see, it is a Furby keychain, decked out in dark blue, light blue, yellow, orange, lavender and pink tones. I believe, if you kept it for 350 years, you could possibly get $1.32 for it on eBay...providing they...and mankind, are still in business. So, this is the prize this week, and it can be yours, if you win the Tweak Of The Week.

Mixed Marriages

This week's Tweak is fairly simple...but you still have to do a little thinking. It was sent in by, and for doing so, he wins an origami creation of his choice off our extensive "Origami List"...the link of which is located at the bottom of this page in case you were curious. Some of you might be ancient enough to remember the old "Laugh-In" show...and for all I know, it's on Nick At Nite at some ungodly hour I never 9:00 a.m. Anyway, they used to do this bit at the end where they would say "If blah and blah got married, they would be known as blah blah"...only they would fill in the "blahs". And those of you who have seen Leno's (sorry Dave, I swear I only watch the Headlines portion) announcements, you have seen this idea in action as well. What we want you to do is to take two or more celebrities...male or female, dead or alive...or any combo of same (hey, we are open to all kinds of marriages here at HMO)...and put their names together...first and/or last names are fine...and try to make a coupling which would sound funny, witty, off-the-wall, or just plain rude. You can even do multiple names because of divorcing...for example, Sarah A, married B, divorced, married C, divorced, and married D...became "Sarah ABCD". That's harder second part to's just that easy...don't get used to it, next week's contest might tax your brain some. Seeing as I might have multiple identical entries, as in all my contests...only the first two submitted entrants will be given credit. I did three so-so examples below to clear things up a tad, if need be...

If Cary Grant married Roseanne Cash - they would be known as "Cash and Cary"

If Frank Sinatra married Ben Stein - they could be "Frank and Stein"

If Huey Long married Anna-Marie Johnson - they would be known as "Long Johnson" (Yes, I put this one in so I wouldn't get 100 "Long Johnson" type entries. Remember...diversity people... :) )