Tweak Of The Week LII: Celebrity Cinema
(updated 26 Jan 03)

Well, let's say I really shouldn't have been so tight about no fictitious characters or trying to intertwine the real life celebrity life within the actual movie plot...as some of these were really great. But since I did, and it wouldn't be fair to those of you who did follow the instructions to the letter...so the ones considered to win were those who did. Whew...does that even make sense? Anyway, since there really were some awesome movies/plots I am going to list all the ones I liked, regardless of the criteria...you can analyze them all you want to see if they would have fit...I already have earlier.

Zoolander of the Lost: Derek Zoolander, model and founder of the "Zoolander Institute for Good-looking Kids Who Don't Read Good", mysteriously ends up amongst voguing dinosaurs. (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com)

The Beauty School Graduate: Aspiring actor Dustin Hoffman does his own hair for his audition for "Tootsie". (polaris75@aol.com)

Man From Gladiator: Russell Crowe directs as well as stars in this commercial sequel to the original..where he is forced to fight lions while in a full body plastic wrap. (baitsmotel6@aol.com)

The Wizard of Ozzy: Ozzy Osbourne and Harry Potter team up in the sixth installment of the Harry Potter franchise. Ozzy plays the new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher and insanity prevails. It's actually the most boring one of the Harry Potter movies; Harry spends the entire movie waking the Defense teacher up or reminding him why the f*** he's there! (TheOtherDallas@aol.com)

Lord Of The Bathtub Rings..The Two Showers: Faramir finally cleans up and kicks his bad personal hygienic Hobbit. Rated HN for Hilarious Nudity. (Honz5@aol.com)

The Lyin' In Winters: Shelly Winters spends the entire film on her back, only to discover that her male costars are incapable or unwilling to take advantage of the situation. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Little Big Woman: The story of Oprah's battle of the bulge. (polaris75@aol.com)

Chocolat Easter Bunny: Juliet Binoche travels Europe with her daughter, and almost hits it off with Johnny Depp until he bites her ears off. Story by Mike Tyson. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

Nut of the Living Dead: Tom Green passes away and leaves the world with the horror of having had TMI. (RasGold@aol.com)

It Was A Wonderful Life (sci-fi): Michael Jackson, in his golden years, finally realizes how far he would have gone had he remained black. Selling all his earthly possessions, he builds a time machine in an attempt to go back in time and scare himself straight. Nothing could prepare him for what he discovers.... (strollo5@aol.com)

Starwhorz: In this movie, Madonna and Britney Spears have traveled to Planet Hollywood to find a director. First they must battle George Lucas. Will the force be with him? Watch to find out. (lacee7700@aol.com)

The Good, The Bad, The Fugly: Martin Sheen, Martin Lawrence and Carrot Top star in this Cold War period piece as three Wall Street insiders who siphon stocks to the Russians and then split the booty. Music by Blondie. (RasGold@aol.com)

The Full Monty Hall: More than we ever cared to know about "Let's Make a Deal". Zonked by the critics in all the trades. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK IV, In Search of Bin Laden: While on a dig, an aging archeologist (Harrison Ford, who plays his own Father) accidentally stumbles into terrorist's hiding place. (fbmarz@earthlink.net)

The Affleck N' Queen: The touching two, Ben and J-Lo, together in their red-hot tribute to Bogart and Hepburn. It basically, boils down to a touchy-feely two hour music video. (baitsmotel6@aol.com)

Jerry Springer Maguire: A trailer trash agent tries to parlay his one illegitimate bastard son/brother client into a sex change operation so he can marry his gay mother, who is also his daughter. Ends with a big phony fist fight. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

Men in Black 3: All-star cast including Michael Jackson, oh wait, nevermind... (Rego11@aol.com)

The Greenback Mile: How much DOES it cost to hire Tom Hanks after 2 Oscars? An electrifying story. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

The Nicholas Bird Cage: Mr. Cage Senior owns a popular drag Elvis nightclub in South Miami Beach. His longtime lover, Albert, stars there as "Priscilla". "Their" son, Little Nicky (actually Cage's by his one heterosexual fling, twenty years before), comes home to announce his engagement to Lisa Marie, daughter of the King of Rock and Roll. The Ghost of Elvis descends upon South Beach to meet Nicky and his father and "mother"...and what ensues is comic chaos when there are no doughnuts to be found. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com)

Witness For The Prostitution: Hugh Grant in his Academy award class portrayal of an L.A. John. (baitsmotel6@aol.com)

Lady of the Rings: A trilogy about J-Lo's two failed marriages and her upcoming, not-yet-failed marriage to Ben Affleck. (Davellar@aol.com)

The Icicle Thief: The Coen brothers team up with Vittorio De Sica in a triumphant return to the Twin Cities as the redoubtable Frances McDormand attempts to track down the fiend responsible for snatching frozen appendages from the downspouts of St. Paul residences. Steve Buscemi is numbingly compelling in the title role. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

As you can plainly tell, picking the winner (who gets that spiffy sewing kit compact) really was quite a difficult task, but we decided this one edged the others out...plus I'd really like to see George Sanders get slapped around by Zsa Zsa...

Divine Secrets Of The Zsa Zsa Brotherhood: In this thriller, a secret horde of Zsa Zsa's ex-husbands plot her demise. (polaris75@aol.com)



The prize this time around is a lovely computer dust cover. Don't let the totally smashed up box fool you...it has never been used, and we didn't find it in some dumpster behind Office Depot...but that is a thought...hmmmm.... Anyway, we have had this thing in our possession since we bought it...we buy lots of things we never end up using or taking back to the store, I could start getting rid of plumbing supplies like you wouldn't believe. Usually it starts out like this..."Uh, I don't know if we need a 3/4 inch or a 1/2 inch connection...well, let's buy them BOTH and take one back later"...now repeat that scenario about 750 times...but we NEVER end up taking back the other ones. Please tell me we are not alone in doing this...someone? Anyone? Well, back to the prize...I am sure someone still owns one of these computers out there to fit the dust cover over...if not, you can always use it for something...like...um...to cover up the plants outside when it gets too cold...or for that espresso machine you had to buy and only used three times...a car waste basket, a backyard pond liner? Well, use your imagination, or give it to your Uncle who is still on aol 5.0 with his computer that can't run anything faster.


Celebrity Driving Excuses

Well, I didn't want to do another celebrity one, but I didn't have any other Tweak contest ideas that weren't either too easy or too difficult...or that I could think of examples for off-hand...and Valentine's Day is another couple weeks off...so, unfortunately, it's back to the celebrity drawing board again. We all know that Diana Ross was stopped for drunk driving the other week, Keanu nearly literally lost face when he smashed his motorcycle into a mountain, Halle Berry left the scene of an accident, Billy Joel went and smashed his Mercedes in a tree last night...and the list goes on and on. This only goes to show you that we can make up a contest pretty much out of anything, especially when it comes to famous people. Now, for lack of any other better idea so far, what I thought might be fun is to give the driving infraction and the excuse or explanation the celebrity would give...of course, using their famousness in some way relating to their excuse. We don't care this time if they are alive or dead...or fictitious...you know, like Bambi (this explanation of the word "fictitious" is for all those out there who, like um, someone who shall remain nameless, thought I meant someone's fame, like Pauly Shore...who, unfortunately, fits both categories, I think). Hopefully it will end up a lot funnier and more off-the-wall than my examples below...and remember...got an idea for a Tweak, heard one on the radio, read one in Reader's Digest, saw one at another site or email? We don't care where you got it...send it in! Remember, if we use it, you get one of those lovingly (well, after much coercion) hand-made origamis.

Sammy Hagar - speeding: "I can't drive...55!"

Britney Spears - after getting her 34th parking ticket: "Ooops, I did it again."

Joyce Kilmer - smashing into a tree while drunk: "I think that I will never see...after a fifth of Scotch, any tree."