Tweak Of The Week LIII: Celebrity Driving Excuses
(updated 2 Feb 03)

Last week we told you to take a celebrity - living, dead, or not real...and come up with a driving infraction for them, and the excuse they would give...which pertained to their celebrity somehow.

O.J. Simpson - Speeding: "I was hurrying to the golf course to look for the real speeder." (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

Sister Bertrille - Speeding: "Was I speeding, officer?" ... Cop: "You were flying, nun." (RasGold@aol.com)

Marty McFly - Speeding: "Look, if you let me off for going 88 mph, I won't go back in time, stop you parents from meeting erasing you from history." (mr_didgers@hotmail.com)

Paul Simon - After he lost control of his car, and smashed into a horde of drunks outside a bar: "I tried to control it, officer, but it kept slip, sliding away." (polaris75@aol.com)

Martha Stewart - Illegal lane changing: "Was just trying to get on the inside." (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

George W. Bush - Pulled over for speeding, crashing businesses, and running roughshod over several members of the U.N.: "No, not ME! Saddam Hussein must be stopped!" (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

Ray Charles - After hitting oncoming traffic: "I never saw the light change." (RasGold@aol.com)

Dean Martin - Parking in a loading zone: "Oh, I thought it said 'Loaded Zone'." (polaris75@aol.com)

Jennifer Lopez - Pulled over because of a wide load: "Get off my ass, will ya?" (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

George Thorogood - When police asked what he had to drink: "One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer". (strollo5@aol.com)

Billy Joel - After hitting a tree in Sag Harbor: "Oh Well, I guess that's just the way the Old Mercedes-Bends!" (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

Andrew "Dice" Clay - after rear-ending another car: "Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Man, I forgot how to drive a stick." (trlymurph@aol.com)

Raiders QB Rich Gannon - On being cited for crossing a double yellow line to go around another car: "What do you mean, I can't pass?" (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

Jack The Ripper - Illegal U turn: "I was tired of being stuck in traffic, and I thought I could cut across the medial strip and get out of it..so I took a stab at it!" (fonzee66@aol.com)

Tiger Woods - Parked in a Handicapped Zone: "Oh there's another meaning to that word?" (pec@gis.net)

Joe Walsh - Speeding: "My Maserati goes 185. Yeah yeah, I know how it goes. ::reluctantly hands over driver's license:: I wrote the damn song." (Stan790@aol.com)

Pee Wee Herman - Parking ticket in front of an adult theater after the meter expired: "Your honor, I didn't want to run out the theater to put money in the meter and risk a stiff fine." (polaris75@aol.com)

Anne Heche - NYC Alternate-Side Parking violation: "Aww c'mon officer, I already switched sides." (TerriKlein@aol.com)

The winner of that "multi-useful" computer dust cover...

Rush Limbaugh - Stopped by the highway patrol for leaving his turn signal on for a record 300 miles: "Right is the only way I know how to go." (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)


Well, I wanted to tie the prize for this week's TOTW contest somehow to the contest itself. I thought and thought...well, for a while at least, thinking...what do "I" think of when I think of Valentine's Day, marriage, or love? Hmmmmm....flowers? Candy? Cutesy name calling? Or an eternity of damnation? Yes! That was it...so I scoured the house looking for something to convey this...the closest I got was a book with the word "Disaster" in its title. So there you have it..."The Adventures of Julia and Robbie...The Disaster Twins". This is a book I picked up yesterday at the mall when I took my son to the Reptile Show (btw, if any of you have a Bearded Dragon you want to sell really cheaply...let us know). What does this book have to do with reptiles, you ask? It doesn't...they also had some disaster preparedness to-do going on there in the mall and were giving away freebies...this one was graciously supplied to us by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). Anyway, it is brand new and is a touching story of two (very badly drawn) kids (with abnormally large heads...or abnormally small bodies...take your pick) on a trek thru their day dealing with weather-related disasters (I think). I didn't read it yet, but it appears to be an informative book for young children...and parents alike. It is 32 pages long and quite large - about the size of one of those regular sized folders...and it can be yours if you win this week's Tweak.


Valentine's (work)Day Cards

I wanted the Tweak this time around to pertain to Valentine's Day, or love...in some silly, off-the wall, or witty way, so I decided upon this contest which was suggested by Polaris75@aol.com (who will get an origami creation of their choice from our extensive list). Basically, what you will do is pretty simple, so hopefully many of you regular players, who, for whatever reason, don't play the Tweak contest...will give it a shot. What we are looking for is a Valentine's Day card sentiment...but with a catch - it has to pertain somehow to the sender's occupation. It doesn't have to rhyme, it doesn't even have to be that romantic...just make sure you list the job the sender has, otherwise we might be totally confused. And best of all...it doesn't have to be a celebrity this time...unless of course, that's the occupation you chose for the sender. If you haven't a clue what we are talking about, the examples below should help you out.

The moment I laid eyes on you
I knew I wanted your heart.
Love,
Dr. Schwartz - Cardiologist (Courtesy of Polaris75@aol.com)

How about some wild monkey sex tonite?
Love,
Jack Hanna (Zookeeper)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
Orchids come in many colours
And cost a bunch too!
Love,
Sam...the Florist