Tweak Of The Week LIV: Valentine's (work)Day Cards
(updated 9 Feb 03)
Last week we asked you to come up with a Valentine's Day sentiment - only incorporating the person's occupation as the basis for the wording of it.
Oh your breasts are divine, your rump is succulent, your loins make my heart pitter-patter....
Sam the Butcher (email@example.com)
From the moment I first saw you, I wanted to mount you.
Love, Tom the Taxidermist (Mistahtom@aol.com)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Come by tonight
And I'll service you!
Love, Joe...The Mechanic (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I loved you from the moment I lasered eyes on you! (eye surgeon) (TerriKlein@aol.com)
To my dear wife Marie, the most radiant woman I know: Your glow lights my way.
Love, your husband, Pierre Curie - Physicist (email@example.com)
Thinking of you for the last few hours
Your tax bill is due
You owe three hundred dollars
With love (and all applicable penalties) The IRS (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Kisses! Kisses! Kisses! All I have for you are Kisses!
Pete, the guy who operates the Candy Kiss wrapping machine down at Hershey's (RasGold@aol.com)
Sparks fly when we touch, Currents run through my body. There's electricity between me and you, Baby, you turn me on.
Love, Stan (Powerline Worker) (email@example.com)
I love you with all of my might
My heart, it is wrenched at your sight
I'll use my long "snake"
And then I will make
You scream and flush with delight.
Bert, the plumber (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)
You nailed my heart when we met..it's been pounding ever since I saw you. Just hoping you mitre been feeling the same..
Calvin the Carpenter. (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)
All I do is dream about you ... This desire is driving me insane!
Dr. Sigmund Freud (RasGold@aol.com)
I knew I'd fall in love with you when I made your introduction
So now, my love, I want to ask will you be my tax deduction?
Love, Bill (Accountant) (firstname.lastname@example.org)
All those other guys are garbage, just refuse. (Garbage Collector) (FreeLooseDirt@sbcglobal.net)
If you would like to receive a kiss, press 1. If you would like to receive a hug, press 2. For the next available Valentine, press 3. My goal today was to provide you with outstanding Valentine's wishes. Have I done so? Is there anything else I can help you with today? Thanks for being mine.
Love, Bob (Customer service representative) (email@example.com)
First was Bill, then there was Bob.
You even dated Ben.
But I knew despite those other guys
I'd get you in the end.
Love, Alfred Castanza (Proctologist) (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The winner of that...um "great" disaster book...
When I think of you I feel a little dirty, Every bone in my body yearns for you. You rock my world.
Love, Michael (Archaeologist) (email@example.com)
Well, we looked thru some boxes today, but nothing really tacky came up...well, at least nothing tacky we wanted to part with. So, until we go and get some other things out of the garage, you will just be offered up lousy prizes we find around the house. And by "lousy" we mean "things we won't miss that are still in good enough condition that we wouldn't get more than a quarter for in a yard sale". No, honestly, I really looked around the house this time and came up relatively empty-handed. Hopefully I will feel better by this coming weekend to actually venture into the garage to bring in a box. So, without further ado, the prize this time is an "It's Academic" flexi ruler...and yes, it is in pretty much new condition as it's never been used and kept inside a drawer since earlier this year when I had to shell out $500 for school supplies which never get used. It is dark green with metallic sparkly accents...and, you guessed it, it's flexible and measures a full 12 inches! This fabulous prize can be yours if you win this week's Tweak.
Six Feet Under...stated as They Lived
The idea for this TOTW was sent by firstname.lastname@example.org, and for doing so they win an origami creation for sending it in. This one should prove lots of fun as I know you guys are quite creative. What we want you to do is to come up with a celebrity epitath or obituary blurb...using their celebritiness again to draw from in their death. We also don't mind if the person is alive or dead...but we do want to keep it to the people who indeed were real, so no fictitious ones this time around. Also, please bear in mind that the person themselves did not write it - it was written ABOUT them, as if in an obituary. If you are still a bit confused, check out the examples below.
Steven Hawking: Finally proving his wormhole theory.
Bill Clinton: Inhaled his last.
President George W. Bush: The President expirated while vacating in Kennybung...oh forget it, he died at his Daddy's house.