Tweak Of The Week LVII: A Dose of Reality...Shows
(updated 2 Mar 03)

Last week we asked you to come up with some reality shows that just might see air time in the not so distant future...or some that only can live in our imaginations. I must say, you guys are marketing geniuses...FOX and the other networks which air this pabulum have nothing on you when it comes to thinking of reality shows. Move your ample self over Anna we present...

All In The Family: We go undercover in the Alabama backwoods to show you what REALLY goes on at "down-home" get-togethers (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content). (

STD Survivor: One guy and 12 nasty, diseased (but fine) ho's. Only he doesn't find out 'til the last episode. (

Torture Chamber: The premise is... all the TV execs that thought up the previous reality shows are locked in a room with a sofa and a big screen TV, we the viewers, get to vote via phone or on-line which episodes they have to watch repeatedly for a 24-hour period. (

The Cola Spike Show: Each week we will spike the Cola of an average family in the deep south with a different drug! Watch this week's Cola Spike Show as the fun begins with LSD spiked Cola! Watch as the family roasts the family dog and a bunch more kooky events unfold! Say... "I WANT MY COLA SPIKE!" (

Off the Hook(er)!!: Hidden cameras record "Johns" picking up our celebrity whores! We record their "activities" while a live studio audience places wagers on the "outcome." Afterwards, Simon from 'American Idol' says nasty things about their performance, and the celebrity whores vote one of the unlucky "Johns" into the hands of the Vice Squad. This week's Guest Whores include Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Ricky Martin in drag. The Trick of the Week is Phyllis Diller, whose nude appearance will guarantee that you won't be thinking about sex for a week! Hosted by Hugh Grant. (

Celebrity Survivor Freeway: Celebrities take to the roadways enticing pre-selected contestant drivers into road rage situations. First contestant to identify his instigating celebrity, if still physically able, is awarded $50,000. Of course, the real challenge here is the identification, since only "Has Been", or "Barely Ever", celebrity types are expected to participate. (

Anti-Reality Reality Show: We give one person a script, tell them they are in a sitcom, and send them into a room to do outlandish things to people who have no idea what is going on. And put it all on TV through hidden cameras! (

The Weakest Fink: Each week we'll release the names of five police informants who ratted out the mob. Tune in and find out which fink will be the first to hear Vito say "You're the weakest fink! Goodbye!". (

Urinal Cam: Do you look at your neighbor? What noises do you make? What's your "hang time"? We'll find out on the next episode of "Urinal Cam". (

Donor Date: We set up an unsuspecting bachelor with a beautiful, available female, who after dinner and drinks slips him a knockout pill.... our bachelor wakes up in a bathtub of ice with a missing kidney.. what a hoot! Then we tell him it was a joke and maybe give him his kidney back as a souvenir. (

Judge Judy/Lorena Bobbitt: New show where convicted defendants pay a different sort of restitution. The penalties are stiff! You will never see a "hung jury" on this show! (

Who Wants to Marry a Distant Relative?: Watch as we pair unsuspecting contestants with distant - and not so distant - relatives. Remember, the contestants don't know they're dating family, but our viewers do! Go online to our website and see if you can guess which marriages are legally viable in the greater US! (

Celebrity IQs: Test the "intelligence" and rate TV's "Bevy of Beauties"... First round will eliminate all that complained about having to take an "aptitude" test, because they're afraid of heights. Grading will be "on the curve" (of course), with bonus points, NOT to be "catty". (

Batch in a Bag: Same as "The Bachelorette", except all the guys are wearing bags over their heads 'till the very end. She has to choose on personality only. Maybe it's a Brad Pitt look-alike or maybe Ed Begley, Jr. (

Prom Night 2003. A little slice of Americana, who will get lucky? Watch as the cameras roll and follow 3 male virgins and their dates on prom night. The stakes are high because riding on their < success > is a brand new sports car! (

Drug Bust!: Watch as our cameras catch innocent people [highlighted this week are the elderly] whom we've secretly planted a substantial quantity of illegal drugs unknowingly to them, and then proceed to send an anonymous tip to the police. (

Parent Trapped?: Tune in as we switch the results of paternity tests and tell these mothers that the father of their children aren't who they expected. See how our hidden cameras catch the husbands' reactions then find out if their marriage will last. After they make their decisions, the truth will be revealed. (

Gay Factor: A cross between Fear Factor, and Survivor: San Francisco. You're dropped off in San Francisco wearing only leather chaps, and have to perform daring stunts, such as being lowered into a pit of gerbils, or bending over to pick up car keys. (

Bladder Busters: The students at this local elementary school have been told that the restrooms are all full of huge children-eating monsters. Watch their hilariously contorted little faces as they try to hang up on Nature's Call! (

Well, we had a difficult time here this week, as we pretty much were debating which of three would be the winner...but in the end, this one slightly edged out the others...and by doing so, also wins that computer book.

Madame Macabre, an authentic gypsy fortune teller, tells our guest they won't live to see next Saturday. Secret camera crews track our 'Non-Survivors' as they interact with family, friends and colleagues (not to mention our own Sam the Life Insurance Salesman). It's all laughs in the end on "Dead Ahead". (

The prize this week is a band promo cd of the group "Pacifier", whose debut album hit store shelves last month. I played this the other day and this group kicks least in my opinion. Here in the portion of Alabammy-land where I live, they don't play anything that isn't on the Top 20, so chances are I wouldn't have heard of this group until they made their 3rd album...their idea of a "new" song is "Stairway to Heaven" from "Led Zeppelin". Okay, it's not THAT bad, but I think you get the point. This cd was generously provided to us by Wait, there's more! Because it is Mardi Gras time...a strand of actual faux gold Mardi Gras beads can be yours as well. Please, if you win, unless you really have a nice pair...don't send us pics of your boobies (well, Leis says he wants the pics)...and if you do anyway...well, don't say we didn't warn you...we DO have the PhotoLaughs contest to post them on. ;)  All this can be yours if you win this week's Tweak.

Can You Shear My Cow?

The premise of this contest comes from the Sprint "cellular static" commercial that makes people bring home wild things instead of the simple instructions they were given. It was sent in to us by, and for doing so, they win an origami creation of their choice off our list. I am sure you have all seen it, but for those who haven' goes like this: One person says one thing...and because of a "bad awful" connection, they hear something totally different, but similar sounding enough to the original conversation. Think witty, off-the-wall, funny...or just plain silly...of course the more it sounds similiar to the original wording and still makes sense, the better. Now, I know you guys can do a lot better than my examples below...but I did a couple just in case you needed a little more help than my explanation above.

I told you I was going to make a "salad of romaine" you brought home "Saddam Hussein"!

I said "I'm always late to work...I'm either going to move or take another bus." You heard "I'm really not a jerk and to prove it, I want your mother to live with us."

I said I wanted "strawberry Jello" my girlfriend dumped me cause she thought I said I wanted "to marry J-Lo".