Tweak Of The Week LVIII: Can You Shear My Cow?
(updated 9 Mar 03)

Last week we asked you to come up with a "cellular static" commercial-type misinterpretation of what was said vs what you heard.

I distinctly said.."Stop by Seven Eleven for bacon and potato salad"..NOT.. "Stop and Buy the CD of Kevin Bacon's latest ballad!" (

I said, " Nothing can come between us." She heard, "Please cut off my penis!" (

I said "I won the tweak and an origami creation of my choice." You heard "I want a sweet orgasm with Sigfried and Roy". (

How did I get Anna Nicole's phone number? I said, "I won a contest on HMO"....but they thought I said, "I want to contact an aging ho". (

We're here in divorce court because I said "I made your mother some bread" and she heard "I made your mother in bed." (

Will you settle down? I said "You walk with grace and elegance". I did NOT call you "a disgraceful elephant"! (

My wife told me to pick up a box of crackers. She was really pissed when I came home with a bunch of crack whores..... (

"My favorite actors are Jude Law and Patti LaPone." ... I thought you said, "My favorite acts are nude, raw and patting the bone!" (

And the winner of the Mardi Gras necklace and the Pacifier CD sampler...

My wife told me to go to the "Post Office and Mailboxes Etcetera". I spent our life savings to "post bail for Baretta". (

The prize this time around is some kind of clear acrylic (we are guessing) holder for a business placard or something, which measures approximately 7 1/2 x 7 inches. We figure you could use it for holding a monthly calendar on your desk...or you could put a photo in it - as it stands up very nicely. And if you are fond of could perhaps use it to hold a recipe card while you are making your meal...that would keep all the splatters off of the card, so they always look pristinely new. Oh, go use your can be used for probably at least three other things I haven't thought of yet. At the bottom (angled part) you might notice some wording in black lettering...what it says is..."The Chamber ...". It's not obtrusive and doesn't obstruct the clear view of the upright portion of the holder in any way. It is also brand new...we only just now took it out of the plastic to scan it for the photo. Oh, and lest I comes with a little plastic hanger-type device...I would guess for those times you really feel the need to display it on a wall. And yes, this is the prize this week for the Tweak...and can only be won if you win.

Sick Of It All

What we want you to do is put your white MD coats on...crack open those speculums and med books and think of new diseases and conditions that aren't...but should be. If you aren't medically inclined... should be able to cure you of your lack of terminology...and give you ample diseases, nasties, and contagious things of all sorts to get your cerebral juices flowing. We want you to take an already existing malady and change it just a little...just enough to make a new "illness" that should have been discovered...then give a silly, witty, off-the wall, etc., description relating to your newly found sickness...of course, the more it pertains to the original ailment in some way as well, the better. Also, please include the actual illness/condition along with your changed version. Here are a few examples I came up with to help you case my write-up was more confusing than helpful...

Impotence/Gympotence: A condition where you realize (especially in front of others) that you just can't get those weights up any more.

Appendicitis/Apprenticitis: When you must train someone at work who really just doesn't catch on...causing them to become a real pain in your side until someone finally removes them from you.

Diverticulitis/Divaticulitis: The feeling of bloating, cramping and nausea you get when a Diva attains a status where she is full of herself...even when her career is going down the toilet.