Tweak Of The Week LXII: Signing Off
(Updated 18 Apr 03)

Last time around we gave you a bunch of signs and you had to come up with meanings for them. I must say this was our most played Tweak ever...and there were quite a few great responses, consequently this list is quite extensive. Unfortunately I only have one prize this time around...but I feel that two really made us laugh here, so the "1st runner-up" will also get something...we'll figure it out. I put them in numerical/photo order, so it would be easier to read thru them. Thanks to who sent us the original website we didn't have, which also shows another page of signs we didn't know about... Emergency Signs . The signs we used last week are located below the winners for easier reference. So without further comment...the list.

1. School Cafeteria This Way (

2. Entering "Whiplash Zone": Lawyers standing by. (

2. For free fireworks show, run your station wagon into a telephone pole. (

3. When Korea nukes us, stop, drop and assume fetal position. Proceed to cry like a baby because duck and cover ain't gonna get it. (

3. HazMat rule number one: Never go past the dead guy. (

3. Warning to Men: She's taking you to a chick flick! (

4. Do not light a match when passing gas in small enclosed places. (

4. Stonehenge Temporarily Closed for Repairs (

4. New X-Games "Extreme Tetris" Event (

4. CAUTION. Assemble Craftmatic bed with care or it becomes Craftmatic crypt. (

4. Do not make a fort from couch cushions. It will not save you from terrorists or the boogeyman. (

4. The warning sign in a Baghdad bunker. (

5. In the room behind this sign, we remove your lungs and stomach to sell on the black market. We replace them with beans and a Tinker Toy set. (

5. The way to a man's heart...and back. (

6. Typical reaction to any Celine Dion song. ( Yes, we had numerous variations of this one...basically we chose Celine...we won't explain why.

6. In case of terrorist polka radio transmissions, tie shoelaces firmly, and run like hell! (

7. Assume this position when big hairy naked fat guy is walking around next door. (

7. Grandma showering with the window open (

8. Shaq's coming to school today. (

8. Midget Hospital Zone (

9. Get out! You have exactly 5 minutes and 12 seconds before becoming completely bald and sterile. (

10. You must have one of these in order to use the Exit door. (

10. Leave or I'll bitchslap you. (

10. Masturbation only room. (

10. When confronted by the Hand of God, move quickly to the nearest exit. (

11. If you shake hands with Michael Jackson, wash right away. The pigment may leave your body if you don't. (

11. New Visine, get the red out of eyes and now Birthmarks too! (

12. John Edwards talks to the spirits of dead fish. (

12. If you teach a man to fish while he's on acid... no that's not right. (

12. Proceed with caution..Fear Factor Training Grounds. (

12. The Restaurant You're In Failed Their Last Health Inspection. (

13. Yes, I would like an order of sweet and sour chicken and an eggroll. Oh, make that to go. (

13: Cross Walk Sign at Neverland Ranch (

13. Panty sniffing area ahead (

14. Banner-ad for OCD anonymous (

15. Light saber battles in a parking garages are dangerous. (

15. Do Not make shadow pictures under unstable rocks! (

16. Warning! Inhaling this product may cause you to imagine you are seeing Rob Zombie. (

16. ACME Crab spray. Kills em DEAD! (

17. John Wayne Impersonators Entrance (

17. Picture of dumb-ass pushing on a pull door. (

18. Report Whistle Blowers (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

18. If you get lost in our store, use these 2 methods to call for your mommy. (

18. In the NBA, when the ref whistles you for a foul, it is standard to curse loudly (

19. Warning: This is a "Liar, Liar, pants on fire" free zone. (

20. The menu at Calista Flockhart's new restaurant. (

20. For a guaranteed A+ in woodshop class, give the teacher a can of beer once a week. (Apple optional) (

20. Warning: Apples and Orange Crush taste really horrible together. (

20. Teacher suck up donation area. (

1st Runner-Up...winning something not specified yet...

3. Simulation of before, during and after anal sex. (

The winner of that spiffy "Time To Read" clock...

18: To determine the time, blow whistle out of apartment window and listen for shouts of "Who's blowing a $^(£ing whistle at (x) o clock in the morning?!" (


The prize this week is a dish with the word "LOVE" on also has hearts and swirls and other romantic things....hmmmm. Anyway, it is made in China and is probably made of some kind of ceramic material. It measures about 5"x6" - and is about an inch deep. I figure you can use it as a pet dish, candy dish, ashtray, spittoon, etc. It looks relatively new as it still has the sticker on the back telling you not to wash it in a dishwasher. Yeah, heaven forbid all the "artwork" comes off. It even has two holes on the back, which I have now determined are probably drain holes and not to hang it up as originally thought. Oh well, you probably can still hang it up if you really want. This prize can be yours...but only if you win this week's TOTW.

Other Goose

The Tweak this time is relatively simple...just take a Nursery Rhyme...change the words a little to alter it to fit a celebrity. Yes, until we think of something other than celebrities to pick on, they are pretty much here to stay. You can use the title or a line from the Nursery Rhyme...just don't alter it beyond recognition or you will be getting an email asking what you are talking about. For a few of the obvious ones (yes, to curtail you from sending in the same ones 300 times)...we've done them already as examples below:

Hey Fiddle Fiddle: George Micheal or Pee Wee Herman (take your pick)

Humpme Dumpy: Anna Nicole Smith after a few beers

Little Boy Blew: Yeah yeah...Michael Jackson