Tweak Of The Week LXIII: Other Goose
(Updated 27 Apr 03)
Well, we thought this contest was going to be fairly simple...take a nursery rhyme...change it a tad and pick a celebrity that it now fits...but the majority of you did not alter it any...and we had to throw those out. Unfortunately, this left us with a limited amount to pick from...so here is our much abbreviated list this week:
There was an old lady...named Joan Rivers, who had face lifts so many times it's become impossible for her to blink. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Jacko be nimble Jacko be quick, Jacko dangles babies off of balconies < QUIT >: Michael Jackson (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com)
The old woman who lived like a shrew: Elizabeth Taylor (email@example.com)
Jerk and Jill: Howard Stern and Robin Quivers (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Little Bo Weep (You've lost your "10"): Bo Derek (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)
Little Miss Tuffett wants to huff it: Whitney Houston (Antneelaurence@aol.com)
Hump-me Dump-me: Jennifer Lopez and whatever guy she is with at the time. (email@example.com)
Little Jack Horney: JFK (Pootybrew@earthlink.net)
The winner of the "LOVE" dish:
Peter Peter Humble Pie Eater: Peter Arnett (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)
Our prize this time for winning the Tweak Of The Week was offered up once before...and believe it or not, they didn't want this little beauty...so we are trying to get rid of it once again...and reusing the same write-up as well, as it's a lot simpler to do that than to think. This product was undoubtedly a stroke of marketing genius...no one actually bought this to use...they bought it to show their friends. It is a container and a basting brush...that's it...nothing great. The selling point comes in the name of the product..."The Master Baster"...and yes, I actually laid out the bucks for this product because I knew no one would believe me if I just told them about it. But here is the actual product...perfect for that cook who always wants to be left alone when he grills...someone who is always saying he can do the job better than anyone else...someone who single-handedly takes credit for doing the meal all by himself. Okay, I think I've used up about every "solo" cook joke I could think of without it starting to get out of hand (oops, sorry). Anyway, it is brand new, still sealed in its factory plastic...and it can be yours to show all your friends...if you win this week's contest.
Spiders and Snakes
Yes, we've all been warned...poisonous spiders in airport bathrooms, deadly snakes in coats at Burlington Coat Factory stores...don't talk to pretty women in Las Vegas or you might end up in a bathtub full of ice missing a couple vital organs...and the list goes on and on. Everyone's gotten the "you gotta read this cause it's true" email from an overtrusting friend...good thing the UrbanLegends website is out there, or I'd still be receiving them on a weekly basis. Our challenge to you is to come up with a believable, far-fetched Urban Legend of your own...remember, the best of them have some basis in fact mixed with the made up portion, so you kinda go "ohhh yeah, I heard something like that once, so it must be true". Please don't send ones that are actually out there...you must be creative and invent your own...we know you can do it. Maybe for fun, we can circulate a few of our own around and see how far they go. Below, find my quite long Urban Legend I made up...and no, yours doesn't have to be anywhere this length, so don't be too reluctant to play based on my long-winded example.
As many tv/movie buffs know, the role of Ginger Grant on Gilligan's Island was originally offered to Jayne Mansfield...of 42-21-35, 50's/60's sex-icon fame. She refused, stating that television was not the route she wanted to go and would ruin her movie career...of course, had she bargained on rerun residuals, and took the role, she might still be alive today. Well, after her refusal, the role was given to Tina Louise...or as most people remember her...Ginger. Now, if you are old enough or watch a lot of Nick At Nite, you know the original theme song to Gilligan's Island used to sport the words "the millionaire...and his wife...the movie star...and the rest...here on Gilligan's Isle". But you might not know that it was a running joke on the set that each time Tina would walk by, the crew would break out into a chorus of "the movie star...and her BREASTS"...a not-so-vague reference to the fact that the busty Mansfield was their first choice and not the "lesser known/endowed" Louise. This incited Tina so much, she went to the producers of the show and insisted they do something about the incessant ribbing or she was out of there. They acquiesced and changed the theme song to "the millionaire, and his wife...the movie star...the professor and Mary Ann...here on Gilligan's Isle"...to thwart the outbursts. It worked, but Tina never got over the whole thing and this little known fact was one of the instrumental reasons she never wanted to do any "reunion" shows and to this day refuses to speak of her "Island Days". It seems old wounds never really heal in Tinseltown.