Tweak Of The Week LXVI: Old Time Rock and Roll
(Updated 28 May 03)

Last week we had asked you to take a song and change the lyrics around to what it might be sung as...if the person were old (as some of them now are). I must admit - I was really impressed by these entries.

Kiss -- "Rock and Roll All Night": I'm in my rocking chair all night, and napping every day (

N'SYNC -- "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You": My hair is falling out, I must be getting old. I need to wear arch supports, they don't hurt my soles. When I look into the mirror, all that I see, is me with a bottle of wrinkle cream. (

Led Zeppelin -- "Whole Lotta Love": Whole Lotta Mush - 'I've been droolin', no teeth for chewin', yeah, wanna whole lotta mush. (

Buffalo Springfield -- "For What It's Worth": Something's happening here. Cataracts make it slightly unclear. There's a man with a gun over there. Oy, watch out! It's a blow dryer - there goes my hair!!! (

Bob Dylan -- "Blowin' In The Wind": How many stool softeners must I take..before my flatulence ends?..The answer, My Friend, is Blowin' in the wind..The answer is Blowin' in the wind. (

Sonic Youth -- "Genetic": I wish I could tell you every thought that I've come to I wish. I could think of all the things that you do I can't remember if you're the only one, it's hard to say with alzheimers it's all the same to me today". (Well I'm gonna add a little extra to our contest this week. I hope you'll understand I couldn't resist. If you've ever seen the singer for this group you'll get it. Instead of sonic youth this band should be called chronic youth.) (

Peter, Paul and Mary -- "Leaving On a Jet Plane": All my bags are packed; I dont where to go; I am standing outside someone's door... I hate to wake them up and ask who am IIIII. My mind left that's plain to see; dont know when it'll come back to me. (

Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover": Throw out your back, Jack. Draw a new will, Bill. Pretend to have Alzheimer's, Old Timer. Just get yourself free... (

Bob Seger -- "Old Time Rock And Roll": "Kids, take my old records off the shelf....I'm too old to reach 'em by myself...." (

Ray Charles --"What'd I Say?": Tell me what'd I say? hearing aid just went dead.. (

Celine Dion -- "All By Myself": When I was young, I never needed anyone, and playing bingo was just for fun...those days are gone. All by myself...can't change my pants...all by myself. (

The Beatles -- "Hey Jude": Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Had a rough night, but it's all better.. Just remember, to prick me with some of your pins, And lunchtime soon begins; rice, and something with cheddar. Hey Jude, my wheelchair squeaks, Can you please just, turn up the heat? The bellboy brought us some clean towels, and now it's time, to empty my bowels. Chorus:La La La La .... ? (

Carly Simon -- "Anticipation": Constipation.....Constipation is...making me's keeping me wa-a-a-a-a-ating! (

Steppenwolf -- "Born To Be Wild": "Get your buses runnin'..get down to the VA..get your medication..go to bed where I still lay..wake me up when something happens..tie my back up in a brand new brace..tried all of my pills at once and fell deep into space....Born To Be Mild...." (

The Who --"Who Are You": "Whoooo are you? Who, who? Who, who? I really wanna know ... no, REALLY! (

Tom Petty -- "Last Dance with Mary Jane": She grew up in an Indiana town...had a good lookin' mama...who's no longer around...but she grew up tall and she grew up she's got false teeth and she's losin' her sight. Last dance with Mary Jane...I had better get my cane...I feel somethin' creakin'...Is it my back or is it my shin? Last dance with Mary Jane...on my bed there is a urine stain...I have lots of extra skin and everyday I take pain medicine. (

The Tokens -- "The Lion Sleeps Tonight": In the village, retirement village, The Tokens sleep tonight. Falsettoes broken from too much smokin', they cough and wheeze all night: (cough, cough) "Weee-ee-ee-ee-ee, we want underwear! Weeee-ee-ee-ee-ee, don't want Chux down there!" (

Wham! featuring George Michael -- "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go": "Wake me up before I go-go/Don't let me lay here all wet and cold, no/Wake me up before I go-go/To the bathroom in bed ..." (

John Lennon -- "Imagine": Imagine you could find your slippers, it used to be easy to do. Now I sit at the TV, spend the day with Channel 2. (

The runner-up - who shall receive an origami creation:

The (Two Surviving) Beatles -- "I Saw Her Standing There": Well she was just eighty-five...More dead than alive... And the way she looked was way beyond repair... I popped a couple Viagra- wooooo When I saw her standing there. My wheelchair went "vroom"... When I crossed that room... And I saw that she was blind.... too. Well we drooled through the night... Found my dentures, had a bite... And before too long I fell and broke my hip. How could I dance with another.... wooo I forgot why I was there. (

The winner...who wins the "Bear Picture Frame"...and whose entry also knocked my socks off...which was pretty hard to do as I was barefoot at the time...

The Bee Gees -- "Stayin Alive" (dirty old man version): Well, you can tell by the way I use my walker, I'm a woman's man: not a rest-home stalker. Muzak loud and women grim Got dinner reservations for 3 PM And it's all right - it's O.K. - They may look the other way. I think I, still understand the nurse's legs, the nurse's can. Whether you're a geezer or whether you're a teaser, You're barely alive, barely alive. Feel the bones a'breakin' and ev'rything ashakin' We're barely alive, barely alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, Barely Alive. Well now, I get low and I get high And if I can't get nurses I really try. Got the wings of heaven on corrective shoes I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose. You know it's all right, it's O.K. I may live another day. We can try to understand the nurse's legs, the nurse's can. Whether you're a geezer or whether you're a teaser, You're barely alive, barely alive. Feel the bones a'breakin' and ev'rything ashakin' We're barely alive, barely alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, Barely Alive. I'm goin' nowhere. Somebody push me. Somebody push, me, yeah. Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help, me, yeah. Barely Alive --- (to beginning and fade... Well, you can tell.... ) (

Well, we've decided to give away the "Don't Bug Me" sign again. Let me go and swipe my write-up from last time as I am too much of a slug to go and measure it all over again. Here it is: We know this one I happened upon will delight and repulse you...well, one out of two isn't bad. It is a handmade little sign, measuring almost 8 1/2" x 2 1/2"...which says "Don't (image of bug) Me!" white/orange/brown. It even comes with a little yarn hanger loop attached so you can proudly display this HMOmento...but...only if you win this week's Tweak!


This time around we would like you to combine actual movie titles with another film or show, a celebrity, a whole different premise, etc., alter the title appropriately and then give it a little synopsis of what your newly envisioned film would be about. Huh? You are probably asking yourself that about now. Well, trust me, this one could be really fun - Leis and I were batting off ideas left and right, and in the span of a few minutes, came up with a few that Hollywood just might be envious of. Well, maybe not envious...but at least glad they didn't do! Still confused - just take a gander at the examples below... the first was my idea, the two others were courtesy of Leis...hopefully they will shed some light on just what we are looking for...

A movie about guys who are afraid of women with huge boobs: "ARacknaphobia"

The little boy who dies and haunts his mean neighbor: "Dennis: The Phantom Menace"

Shannen Doherty's Playboy documentary: "The Bare Bitch Project"