Tweak Of The Week LXVIII: Other Father's Day Cards
(Updated 15 Jun 03)

Last week we asked you to come up with Father's Day cards for fathers that weren't exactly the "model" dad...we hope you realize this was all in fun and don't mean anything personally against any dads out there.

Father's Day means so much to me,
For this one thing is all I see,
I think of all the joy you brought,
When you appeared on last week's "COPs"
Love, your son and bail bondsmen (

Tightwad Dad:
Happy Father's Day, Dad
I still remember the way you used to give me my weekly nickel allowance with a string attached..and then pull it back out of my pocket when I walked away.. (

I just found out you're my dad and my brother,
Guess that means we have the same mother.
Love, Bubba (

To the dad who never raised his voice
I hope your happy with your choice
The surgery went well, and yet I fear
I'll send you a Mom's Day card next year. (

Maury Povich Show Dad:
Happy Father's Day're the best..
That is if you pass the paternity test! (

To my dad, I love you so much
You were always there when I needed a crutch...
Of course, that's for good reason too...
The reason I needed the crutch was you! (

Pop, I think you're grand indeed.
Thank you for the ounce of weed.
Too bad they caught the deal on hidden camera
I'll visit on weekends while you're in the slammer. (

Hey Dad... you're a jerk!
Why can't you get your ass to work? (

I knew if I didn't buy you a card you would beat me. (

Dear Dad,
Thanks for always telling me I'm a loser.
Without you I would be wasting my time trying to be the President or a Doctor,
But thanks to you I have the courage to work for minimum wage at a chicken cleaning plant and have three wives that hate me!!!
Happy Father's Day (

Dad, you've taught me lots of stuff
Like building things and being tough
Hard lessons about life and death
And the best techniques for making meth.
Love, Sean (

To the Father that I could never please:
You made me feel so dumb and slow,
You, the "Big Shot" CEO.
So now you're dead and on I go,
Entering contests on HMO. NNYYYAAAAAHHH! (

The two runners-up...heck, I was feeling extra-nice this Father's probably won't ever happen again...who each win an origami creation...

After many years of getting burned
I finally see how much I learned
You showed me what it means to fail
And how to bail you out from jail
The proper way to hold a bat
When bashing hos for getting fat
The place to find the cheapest liquor
And hot-wiring a cherry picker
For this and more I have to say
Have a Happy Father's Day! (

Because my Mama slept around
My dad coulda been any man in town
Of all the candidates, you're the best
According to the paternity test
So be my pal, and be a sport
And pay your friggin' child support. (

The winner of those CDs...

To Dad on the sofa, so content,
I'm not much for sentiment,
But I must say, while I have the chance

The prize (and prize write-up) this time around is going to be one you've seen before...a drink hugger. But it's no ordinary drink hugger thing, it's one that you pop in the freezer before has this lining with a freezer substance in it (which I am sure is toxic, so don't do anything stupid with it)...which keeps your drink cold for probably an unknown amount of time. It looks to be marketed by a manufacturer known as "The Fridge"...and you can rest assured this must keep it cold, as it was made by our northern friends, Canada. This fabulous prize can be yours if you win this week's Tweak.

I Don't Like Spam!

We all get them...we hate them, we curse them, we delete them...but they still keep coming...spam emails. We've all seen the ones about that great diet, Viagra, increasing your penis size...and the list goes on and on. Well, I was thinking it might be fun to envision what they will come up with when they start running out of the regular ones...and that is what the Tweak is this time around. Come up with a silly, funny, or far-fetched spam email "subject line"...getting you to purchase something that no one in their right mind would ever word it as catchy as you can. Originality is always a plus - just don't reword the Viagra subject line you got this morning. I came up with a few examples below, as usual, to help get you on your way.

You can now have a bigger vagina!

Maintain your beautiful pregnancy figure well after the birth of your baby!

Finally a diet that works...stop eating altogether!