Tweak Of The Week LXX: For Heloise
(Updated 1 Jul 03)

Due to the late update and 4th of July weekend, the next update won't happen until Sunday, 13 Jul 03.

Last week we asked you to come up with "not so" helpful hints to use in and around the home, in say, an anti-Heloise version.

Like cabbage, but don't like the way you smell after eating it? Don't worry! Simply pour two cups of baking soda, and one cup of water down your throat, swish thoroughly, and spit. It should suck the smell right out! (

Sledgehammers are a great substitute for fly swatters. Give it a whack! (

Bothered by burning, itching athlete's foot? Just take a needle and some strong thread and stitch your toes together. You'll never scratch again! [ Inspired by Eddie "The Old Philosopher" Lawrence, who's "Heavington's Quacko Solution" purported to cure athlete's foot by giving the owner a pair of webbed feet. ] (

If a guest seems to be noticing the dust on the bulbs in your chandelier, tell her these are the newest thing -- 'frosted' chandelier bulbs, available at Home Depot to give the lights a more romantic glow. She'll be shopping tomorrow! (

For a quick and easy way to baste your turkey, save those plastic disposable douche bottles. Fill up with butter, or your favorite basting liquid, pop in the microwave and you have an instant "Master Baster". (

Tired of your sagging couch cushions? Just save that dryer lint that you throw away and stuff a little every day into the sofa. Before you know it, you'll have the overstuffed sofa of your dreams! (Bellybutton lint is optional) (

To conserve water, when bathing your kids just put them in the tub two at a time with their clothes on. This also saves you time and money because now you just have to buy soap and not laundry detergent. (

Worried about pet urine stains? Redo your house with yellow carpet, and never have the problem again. (

Oh dear; you've superglued your fingertips together again. Not a problem...simply apply some fresh wet superglue on top of the dry stuff and ignite it with a match. All of the glue will catch fire together and you fingertips will easily slip apart. (JDH@JA-AD.COM)

Don't worry about those pesky stains on your clothes, just put them in storage and buy new ones. When stains are in style you won't have to wait to stain your clothes, you'll be the first to have them. (

Here is an idea I thought your sexually-active readers could use. Always keep a can of WD40 in your nightstand to take care of those annoying and distracting bed squeaks. Plus, it makes a great lubricant! (

If you notice that your Chocolate Lab Retriever is shedding in the kitchen where you're making a cake for guests, quickly throw some dark cocoa into the cake mix. (

The winner of that Town & Country travel calculator-type thing...

Accidentally spill some heady (and deep red) French Burgundy on your neighbors new white plush carpet? Don't worry; amidst all the panic and furor to get it cleaned up simply squirt some charcoal lighter fluid (probably within plain sight on the patio) under a lounge chair and ignite it then step off to another part of the house. In the panic to keep the house from burning down your little wine mishap will be completely forgotten and more than likely the rug will be replaced when they file for fire damages. (

Well, since the Tweak this week is a little more mental than usual...or is that cerebral...hmmm...anyway, we are going to try to give away that Fila hat for a 2nd time. So, because I can, I'll just grab that write-up from the last time I offered it up as the prize. It is a Fila cap with the words "Fila USA" on it...and yes, one size does fit all. It has never been worn and is new, altho it has been up in the closet for who knows how long. It looks pretty much in pristine condition except for one tiny spot on top and some cat hairs on it. I am sure they can all be removed. As you can see, hopefully, from the is white...with red and blue embroidered accents...and as such, has a patriotic touch to it....which is rather fitting as July 4th weekend is coming up. You can be sporting this fabulous fashion statement IF you win this week's Tweak!

Sheer Profundity

The Tweak this time around was sent in by, and for doing so they win an origami. They named it "Sheer Profundity"...and what the heck, we named it that, too. Below is a quite extensive list of topics...what you have to do is to come up with a funny, allegedly wise saying incorporating one of the them. Just think of it as making up your own silly proverbs, or Forrest Gumpisms...of course, the more off-the-wall, thought provokingly witty/funny/sillier the better. Below are the topics you must pick from and below that are the examples sent in by MooseSpeak. Remember, anything pretty much goes as long as it sounds rather "proverbish"...making you laugh and go "Huh?" are also good. As with all our contests here, feel free to send in as many as you'd like. Please don't forget to put which word you are using as your topic along with your "proverb".

Reality TV
The Lotto
Thong Underwear
Exercise Equipment
Keanu Reeves Films
Missing Socks
Bathing Suits


Horses: It is better to hold your horses than let them go; after all, horses cost a lot of money.

Cheese: Cheese is like life: you'll get along with it a lot better if you don't ask how it's made.

Money: A fool and his money are soon parted; the big problem is FINDING the fool.