Tweak Of The Week LXXI: Sheer Profundity
(Updated 13 Jul 03)

Last week we asked you to come up with a funny, allegedly wise saying incorporating one of the topics we gave you...kinda like a proverb. We were swamped with entries and narrowing it down to the winner was very, very I kept swinging back and forth on it...but as I didn't have duplicate prizes...we decided to toss in a couple runners-up.

Cheetos: Life is like a bag of Cheetos... you can't really enjoy it without getting your hands dirty. (

Humility: Knowing you're better than everyone else, but too proud to let anyone know. (

Bathing suits: Bathing suits and magazines are alike: They both cover the scary truth. (

Missing socks: Missing socks will never score enough runs to become top-drawer. (This is also known as Paul Konerko's Law.) (

Revenge: Revenge means never having to say you're sorry. (

Knowledge: The knowledgeable man is the man who knows that he knows nothing. (

Mosquitoes: Mosquitoes suck! (

Truth: Truth is like a storm warning... prepare for devastation and when it happens, deal with it. (

Death: Death is like life, only without the breathing and stuff. (

Keanu Reeves Films: Keanu Reeves films are like crack, you know they are bad for you but you just need one last hit. (

Sex: Sex is the only exercise you can do for hours and still go back for more later. (

Lotto: Lotto is a great charity..that helps someone else win. (

Impotence: Impotence is no reason to get yourself down; after all, you're already there. (

Sex: Sex is like oxygen... you really notice it when you aren't getting enough. (

Reality TV: Reality TV is like overdosing on laxatives; once you get hooked on it, all you can fixate on is crap. (

Shakespeare: Reading Shakespeare is like listening to your parents, you know they are great and have something important to say, but you just can't understand what it is. (

Keanu Reeves Films: Keanu Reeves films work much like having a husband; the less you let him talk, the better things are. (

Dancing: Dancing is a good form of exercise but like any exercise you always tend to watch the other people doing it (

The two runners-up...who will each get an origami creation:

Snoring: Snoring is an age-old form of sheet music. (

Shakespeare: Shakespeare is like a man with a lisp, even when you're paying close attention you still miss a lot. (

The winner of that Fila cap...

Thong Underwear: Wearing thong underwear is like dropping your keys in the toilet. You know you have to, but you really don't want to pick them out. (

Now because of the simplicity of this week's Tweak...we have saved up our lames....uh...strangest prize for you. Yes, believe it or not, the Pear Council (or some other such rot...pun intended) probably paid their advertising "geniuses" thousands to come up with this "beaut". It is a bag...and not just any bag...but an ordinary paper bag lunch-sized one, with some blather on it about "It's Easy to Ripen USA Pears" and then goes on to actually include directions on how to put a pear in the bag. Remember, as the bag and possibly the site says..."Check the Neck"...and as we say here...this prize can be yours IF you win the Tweak this time around.

We've Got A Point

Well, this week's Tweak should be fairly simple. What we are planning to do in the near future is to give out "points" for winning/placing in each contest, which you can then save up and "cash in" for prizes. Speaking of which, if you know a business...or are a business which would like to donate a prize in exchange for some HMO advertising-like air-time, please let me know...because we REALLY want to talk to you. With that said, here's the contest this time...we would like to have a catchy little word for our "points", perhaps something comedic and/or HMOy...or something just totally original. And those of you suggesting "tokens" will be promptly scolded...and you would know why. ;) Of course, because this really doesn't need any...there will be no examples this time are all on your own this time around.