Well, I haven't been feeling extremely great today (actually the last couple days)...so I will probably just delay updating the Tweak this time around until Saturday or Sunday...so feel free to send lots more entries. :)

Tweak Of The Week LXXV: Oxymoronic Products
(Updated 17 Aug 03)

Last week we asked you to come up with products that could never be...or oxymoron-ish products. Well, you wouldn't believe how many entries we had picked...until I started doing a search online for lists of "oxymoron products, blonde products, products that could never be..." you get the general idea. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that you did not honestly come up with those ideas, having never ever read the lists yourself...but, to make it totally fair, those that appeared on such lists were taken off our list. A couple of these below did show up on searches, but, they were not on any such "lists", so I let them stand. So, if you heard some comedian, read in some magazine, saw in blog (again, you get the idea) one of these before and it didn't show up on the "lists" I spoke of, it stood.

HumorMeOnline.com (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com; razcactus@netzero.com) This comment from razcactus says it all: Sorry - I jumped on the bandwagon of smart*sses! Plus HMO isn't a product, so this entry is null and void...so there...smartasses.

Stainless Steel Oven Mitts (murdoctor@aol.com)

"Morning After" Condoms (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

Air Guitar Pick (TerriKlein@aol.com)

Clear Plastic Sun Visor (mashallaha@aol.com)

The Amish Channel (williemelmoth@aol.com)

Bulletproof Clay Pigeons (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

Strawberry-flavored Krazy Glue (murdoctor@aol.com)

The One-handed Clapper (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Computerized Abacus (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

See-through Privacy Fence (medic_92@yahoo.com)

The winner of that mesh toy-drying bag...

Child-proof Potty (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

In keeping with the theme of our TOTW this time around...we have some "great" prizes for you. Actually, don't say "ugh" - they could save a life, and the life they could save might be yours...which of course means you can live another day to send entries to win prizes such as these. Hmmmm...on second thought...you could live another day to maybe someday see us post a bonafide great prize. Either way, the contents of this mesh "bag o'goodies" is as follows: A "9-1-1 Emergency Training Guide" booklet, "We are a safe family" activity book, magnet, and tips to poison-proof your home, along with a couple other brochures dealing with disasters...all in a mesh bag, which the overleaf states (if you can actually read on the photo) "Caution: Mesh bag is for decorative purposes only and is not intended to be used as a child's toy." Because heaven forbid someone without a brain decides to let their baby chew on it and sue someone for their own stupidity. Anyway, you could use the bag to put peanuts in and hang outside for the birds, because as far as I know they don't have their own avian lawyers yet...and besides that, the Audubon Society's (or some other birding specialists) book I have says you can. Whew...I think that was the longest write-up for such a lame prize I've ever done...and I am damn proud of myself.

Signing Off II

We had already done one version of this contest, only we had inadvertently left out some signs...by the way, these are actual government hazard signs...with a few from our " 9-1-1 Emergency" booklet we had lying around the house...yes, the very same booklet that is up for grabs this time around in the "mesh bag o'goodies" (above) giveaway. What we want you to do is to give us your idea of what the signs are, in effect...warning...or just addressing in general. As simple as that. I am sure this needs no examples...but I came up with a silly one below...and if you still need help, you can access the archive at TOTW and look at "Signing Off" for a lot more. Please put the sign number before your entry...and also, to avoid confusion, one entry per submission this time if you wouldn't mind. That doesn't mean you can only do one entry for the contest...or for each sign for that matter...send as many as you'd like...all we are asking is that you put only one entry in the submit box each time.



10. "You can get up now, Mommy...Daddy's left...your 'Mommy's dead and can't have sex' routine worked again."