Tweak Of The Week LXXVI: Signing Off II
(Updated 31 Aug 03)

Last week we gave you a bunch of signs and asked you to explain what they might be saying or mean. Now, because I wasn't feeling great, this contest ran for two weeks...and as you might have guessed, we had a LOT of consequently, we have a long list this week. The entries really were great and it was more than a difficult task to pick the winner.  More than a few had me literally laughing out loud...and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. So allow yourself some time...the list below (other than the runners-up/winner) are not in any order other than numerical...and I included the signs as well for easier reading.


1. In case of nuclear detonation, pull over so that your car and roasted corpse don't block traffic. (

1. This must be Sunset Blvd. (

2. Time to do laundry because you're sh*t is kickin'! (

3. NBC's formula for an award-winning lineup. (

3. For a multicolored effect combine all of the dyes together and dip the eggs using the specially designed wire holder. (

3. "This is too complicated. Can't we just go BUY some LSD?" (

3. Mix these with a double shooter of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum for one hell of a buzz! (Drink responsibly - Captain's orders!) (

4. Please do NOT open the Portal to Hell. (

5. Someone finally messed with Texas. (

5. Houston, we have a problem. (;

5. Bush shifted the attention to Iraq, when in fact, Texas is where the weapons of mass destruction have been hiding all along (

5. Everything's bigger in Texas. And now, everything also has more arms and legs. (

5. Just a dream I had when Bush was vacationing in his home state. (

6. If your children have all these things in their room by age 10, then take that "L" off the phone and slap it on you're forehead. (

6. Things that will be obsolete in 5-10 years. Avoid buying them. (

7. Another female executive has hit the glass ceiling. Take cover! (

8. Do not eat Aunt Zelda's green mashed potatoes, no matter how hungry you are. (

8. Grandma's corned beef hash may have been edible if it had been prepared with spices that hadn't expired in 1958. (

8. "Hey, I just choked on this fork! Get me the number of a good lawyer"! (

8. If you need to feed two, but only have the money for one, pretend to choke, and chances are, both meals will be free. (

8. "Hey pop, you need the Heimlich or did the Phillies just choke away another one?" (

9. Grandma tried to warm up her kitty's canned cat food in the microwave.. again! (

9. Granny, your meth lab exploded again! (

9. "Beware grandmother! My demon summoning has gone terribly awry!" (

9. Even though an inferno raged in the very next room, grandma found Stephen King's latest offering just too much of a page-turner to put down! (

9. "Grandma, your old flame is coming!" (

10. Mommy, Mommy, you look just like Daddy's "blow-up doll". (

10. When approaching a dead body, search all pockets for loose change before calling 911. (

10. When Mommy is passed out drunk, roll her onto her stomach so if she vomits in her sleep, at least she won't choke. (

11. Warning! Disgruntled former hotel employees have passkeys to every room! (

11. "Hanukkah Harry" always uses the front door! (

11. WANTED! Greenwich Village Burglar. Last seen wearing a pink Hermes scarf, hat, and gloves. Suspect is not armed or considered dangerous, but appears to be targeting homes with antique locks. If you have any information regarding this pathetic criminal, please call 1-800-FASHIONPOLICE. (

11. Rent is due on the 1st of the month...late payments will be collected in person by Jimmy "The Keys" Scarconi. (

Our two runners-up who both win origami creations...

10. A scene from the short-lived family sitcom, "The Janis Joplin Show". (

11. Sara, it's too cold outside. Start your own *&%#ing car. (

The winner of that grab bag o'safety stuff...

10. This is Debbie... this is Debbie's mother after Debbie stepped on a crack. (

The prize this time around is an American flag on one of those window other words - you roll up the window on it - and it stays in place. Don't roll down the window, or you will lose the guy did in front of me. Yeah, I doubled back and scooped it off of the road in Montgomery...but it is in excellent condition...and can be yours IF you win this week's Tweak. (Not actual flag...but looks pretty much like this one.)

Mergers That Just Won't Yield

Sorry again for the delay, but Tweak won't be updated until Wednesday or Thursday (10 or 11 Sep) this time around.

Well, I thought of this contest sometime a couple weeks ago lying in bed trying to sleep...and figured I hadn't done a version of it, so it might be fun to try. (Feel free to send in your own Tweak contest ideas...hint hint.) What we want you to do this time around is to take two (or more, if you want) companies (and/or their products)...and combine them to come up with a new company/product...whose name just might not be the best thought out one. Think of it as "advertiser's hell"...or at least something we can laugh at. We are looking again for funny, witty, just plain off-the-wall merger names that just aren't right. If you are confused, check out the examples I came up with below...and yes, the company/product has to exist...or have existed at one time...nothing fictitious.

Ocean Spray's Cranberry Juice and Snapple: New Product: Crapple

Gore-Tex and Tupperware: New Company: Tupper Gore

ConAgra and Craftsman Tools: New Company: Con-Man