Tweak Of The Week LXXXIII: Moving Movies
(Updated 20 Nov 03)

Last week we asked you to take any movie...transpose the words in the title and come up with a whole new plot for it. We had a record number of Tweak entries...and consequently, we have a LOT of mentions. You guys really outdid yourselves...and that was no easy feat considering some Tweaks have been quite awesome.

These first two...altho not technically qualified for the list...were too good not to share...

The Lion in Winter --The Winter in Lion: Southerners John and Mary Johnson and their four adorable boys get stranded in a town in France for a season. It's three months of wacky cultural exchange culminating in a grand feast of "squirrel brains au vin". (nellen2003@yahoo.com)

Casablanca -- Blanca Casa: Hilarious Spanish comedy about an idiot who gets into the White House. Actually, though, the producers were making a documentary. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

...and two who tried to get over on the system...but didn't...well, you know...they did, but not really...

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World -- It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World: (Mad's transposed) -- It's the same only different. (rod.renner@juno.com)

Ishtar -- Ishtar: Either way, it's still complete and total crap. (scalpel@aol.com)

Now the ones that did conform...

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood -- Ya-Ya Divine: The Sisterhood of Secrets: In this movie we take a journey with the famous transsexual stripper, Ya-Ya Divine as she lets us in on a few secrets shared only between her and her "sisters". (dzed68@yahoo.com)

Aliens 2 -- 2 Aliens - Cheech and Chong back together again! This time in still another madcap, drug humor production that goes up in strange smelling smoke. (AhOLHOL@aol.com)

Saving Private Ryan -- Private Ryan Saving: A GI training film on buying US Savings Bonds. (Ripster40@yahoo.com)

You've Got Mail -- Mail You've Got: Yoda falls in love. (scalpel@aol.com)

Sweet Home Alabama -- Sweet Alabama Home: What has four wheels, a Confederate Flag, and a guy named Jed sitting on a porch with a Banjo all. (Mistahtom@aol.com)

For a Few Dollars More -- More For a Few Dollars: Hugh Grant, Robert Downey, Jr., and Charlie Sheen star in this Hollywood Hooker docudrama. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Life Without Dick -- Dick Without Life: The trials and tribulations of an aging male. (jajuta@comcast.net)

Sleepless in Seattle -- In Sleepless Seattle: A mockumentary following a day in the life of a computer programmer addicted to Starbucks. (n_zukowski@hotmail.com)

The Human Stain -- Stain the Human: The sad story of Bill Clinton and his sloppy habit of getting it on Monica's dress. (bulletbakery@aol.com)

Pretty Woman - Woman, Pretty: The heartwarming story of when Tarzan met Jane. (Penguann2@aol.com)

Where the Boys Are -- The Boys Are Where?: The college girls go on spring break to discover all of the hunks are frequenting gay bars. (lacee7700@aol.com)

101 Dalmations -- Dalmations 101: Antics of a group of first year veterinary students studying canine anatomy. (Pootybrew@earthlink.net)

Where the Heart Is -- The Heart is Where?: An amusing comedy about a pot smoking med student on his first day at work. (Austinstoy@aol.com)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets -- Chamber Secrets of Harry and the Potter : (I think the title explains it all). (RasGold@aol.com)

28 Days Later -- 28 Later Days -- This wide-eyed sci-fi fantasy explores the extended summer vacation a whimsical youth gets as greenhouse gases cause the Earth's rotation to slow down. (chharget@aol.com)

The Sum of All Fears -- The Fear of All Sums: An awkward but pretty youth comes to grips with her math phobia. (chharget@aol.com)

Life is Beautiful -- Is Life Beautiful?: Documentary of Ronald Reagan. (silver_stars42@yahoo.com)

Something to Talk About --To Talk About Something: Dr. Phil is at it again with a talk show about his talk show. Does this guy ever shut up? (PromiseNotKept@aol.com)

What Women Want -- Women Want What?: A documentary to educate the unsuspecting male on how married life really is. (Austinstoy@aol.com)

The Deep End of the Ocean -- The End of the Deep Ocean: With the GOP's blessings, big business converts the Pacific Ocean into a giant landfill. (Pootybrew@earthlink.net)

The Sound of Music -- Music of the Sound: A pod of orcas try to escape the impending arrival of tourists off the coast of Puget Sound. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

Resident Evil -- Evil Resident: Your wife invited your mother-in-law to come live with you, need we say more? (Mistahtom@aol.com)

9 to 5 -- 5 to 9: A boring tale of a rather anal secretary who is habitually five minutes early for work. (bulletbakery@aol.com)

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World -- The Far Side: Master and Commander of the World: Master cartoonist Gary Larson brings his panels to animated life and cows take over the world. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

Fight Club -- Club Fight: Edward Norton and Brad Pitt engage in fisticuffs utilizing a popular brand of steering wheel immobilizer. (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

The Grapes Of Wrath -- Wrath of the Grapes: A gang of militant grapes viciously attack advertising agencies all over the country for the damage the ad execs have caused their reputation. Vengeance is finally wrought for the Fruit Of The Loom ads and most of all, those annoying "California Raisins". (theatre1964@aol.com)

Little Shop of Horrors -- Little Horrors of Shop: High school shop projects, brought to life by excess Ritalin seeping from students' pores, come to life and go on a rampage. Victims are stretched on spice racks, squeezed between bookends, electrocuted by table lamps... (TerriKlein@aol.com)

The English Patient -- The Patient English: A slow-moving three-hour movie showcasing the Fiennes brothers, where they stare at the front door of their shared flat hoping somebody will come in and find one of them attractive again. (scalpel@aol.com)

The Grapes of Wrath -- The Wrath of Grapes: In her quest to create the perfect Merlot, genius oenologist Riedelle Boone unknowing unleashes a new sentient form of grapes. For thousands of years they've been crushed; their spirits bottled. But now they are mad as hell and they're not going to take it any more. (nellen2003@yahoo.com)

Remains of the Day -- Day of the Remains: A household tries to cope with leftover turkey the day following Thanksgiving. (pec@gis.net)

Well, we threw caution to the wind and picked two runners-up...who will each receive 20 Rat's Asses (RA) and an origami creation...

Modern Times -- Times Modern. The drama of a struggling young font who seeks love, happiness, and a place at the top of the MS Word format menu. Will he reach his goal and win the heart of Arial Black? Or will he be seduced by the villainous WingDings into a life of descenders and narrow pitch? (nellen2003@yahoo.com)

Mission: Impossible -- Impossible Mission: Tom Cruise is asked to give an Oscar-worthy performance. (AutumnEagl@yahoo.com)

And coming soon to a theatre near you...our winner...who, besides the RA points, gets the coveted Pear Ripening Bag...

Close Encounters of the Third Kind -- Kind Encounters of the Close Third: Heartwarming story of a woman who devotes her life to consoling Olympic athletes who finish fourth. (TerriKlein@aol.com)



You know - we thought the pear ripening bag was pretty darned pathetic...and that we couldn't possibly come up with something worse. Well, we were wrong. On a jaunt to WalMart last nite...I spied something in the drink aisle that I just had to plunk down a whole 88 cents on. Is it functional? Maybe. Is it tacky as hell? You bet! It's a plastic top that converts any 2-liter plastic soda bottle into a canister to hold things. So let me get this straight: You can either buy the cheapest plastic set of 3 canisters for about $5.00...or you can shell out 88 cents a piece for 3 lids...to get a homemade version worthy of adornment on any Springer guest's kitchen countertop. Of course, that countertop undoubtedly topped off with some lovely faux-marble contact paper to hide the cigarette burns on the Formica underneath. Anyway...if you win this prize...not only will you get something we hope you'd never buy for yourself...but we'd really love to see a photo of your handiwork when you are done. (Soda label removal is optional, of course.)


Talking Turkey

This time around we thought we'd capitalize on the holiday of the moment...this being Thanksgiving. We thought it would be fun...at least we hope so...to come up with some non-traditional card sentiments if one was so inclined to actually send a Thanksgiving Day card. Now, because it's just around the corner, so to speak...I thought I would let this contest run only until Thanksgiving Day...updating sometime during the day. So, we urge that you get your entries in by then. I came up with a couple examples...and also a couple card types to get you started. Feel free to think outside the list...but please keep them limited to Thanksgiving-time.

Turkey's Perspective: You fed me full every single day - who'd a thought I'd end up this way.

Dysfunctional Family: Uncle Ned...Next time you loosen your pants after a big Thanksgiving dinner...for heaven's sake...wear some underwear!

Turkey's Perspective
Dysfunctional Family
Not so Thankful
Just Plain Pre-Christmas