Tweak Of The Week LXXXIV: Talking Turkey
(Updated 29 Nov 03)

Last time around we asked you to come up with Thanksgiving-based cards that Hallmark wouldn't exactly stock on their shelves...there are a couple without a specific topic, but we figured you can use your imagination and insert your own...

Let's just get some pizza and beer....I don't want to eat turkey for the rest of the year. (

Not so Thankful: Labor Day was great, We had a lot of lovin' But on Thanksgiving day, There's more than turkey in the oven. (

Thanksgiving Feast: There's lots of food and most will just gobble gobble gobble. Eat too much though and your butt goes wobble wobble wobble. (

Vegetarian: What has four legs, a breast, and doesn't breathe?...TOFUrkey! (

After football, pumpkin pie
Cranberry sauce that stains your tie;
When you, like turkey, feeling stuffed
Push plate away and cry "Enough!"
And feel, as you lie on the ground
With belly seven leagues around,
That lying in your stupor mood,
You swear you'll never eat more food.
The family stare with awe galore,
They're shocked as you leap from the floor.
"Whence doth this energy abound?"
They ask as you dance on the ground."
So lest this story be YOUR folly,
Don't lie down on Xmas holly. (

Turkey to Farmer: Just take a little off the top! (

Not So Thankful: Dear Freeloading Neighbor, "Something smells good" worked the first year, "What a beautiful dress" worked last, now make like the Dali Lama..Take a vow of silence, and fast (

The stress is rising... It's almost time... The food's not done yet... But the men won't help... They just watch football... And watch... And watch... And watch... Then they get hit over their heads with a rolling pin... As the blood seeps out of their head... The cooks drag them past the frozen turkey... Out into the shed... No one will ever know this happened... Oh, look at that, the asparagus is finished...'s Thanksgiving time again. (

Turkey's Perspective: Thanksgiving you promised to keep me from harm-but you've packed my butt with Pepperidge Farm. (

Missing You: At this time of year, when I'm feeling blue, I look at that turkey, and think of you. (

Turkey's Perspective: Even if I make it past Thanksgiving Day...Christmas is only a month away. (

Dysfunctional Family: I'd tell you how much I hate you, but we don't communicate. So, as we eat this food cooked well, I'm thinking at you "Go to hell." (

Not So Thankful: Each turkey day, we're blessed, they say...and so I should be thankful...But that ain't how it feels, when spin to my wheels, costs 36 dollars a tank full! (

Turkey's Perspective: All year you filled me with food and lovin', Now you're sticking me in the friggin oven! (

Football: Every year that Turducken thing...Don't you find it simply Maddening? (

Turkey's Perspective: We're death-row turkeys in the pen...Raised for slaughter, and we know when...To humans who buy us from the shelves...We'd like to say, "Go pluck yourselves!" (

We decided we'd be generous this holiday season and choose a runner-up...who will receive an origami creation...

Step-daddy's scratchin' himself in the chair, Grandpa's stinkin' up the air, Momma has her hand up a dead bird's ass, and Granny's chugging gin and not from a glass. > From our home to yours...Happy Thanksgiving (

And our winner...who gets the very tacky lid to alter a 2-liter bottle into a functional canister...

Plucked and gutted, stuffed with bread,
My drumsticks tied above my head--
I take that back, my head's amiss!
My only consolation's this:
That as December makes its way
Towards some poor goose on Christmas Day,
You're plagued with sandwich, hash and soup
Long after my soul's flown the coop.
Let children whine, let spouse complain,
"Oh, God, it's not that bird again!"
The white meat yellows, and the dark
Takes on consistency of bark,
And as you grimly maw this fella,
May you and yours get salmonella. (

Because we have a Tweak this time around which requires you to put your thinking caps on, I thought this prize would be more than fitting. This is also the third time we are trying to give this thing away - and if no one claims it this's going to be a prize you have to save Rat's Asses for...darnit. It is a very nice white Fila cap with red and blue embroidered accents...and we've never worn it...altho we've had it here at the house for a few years. It has some cat hairs on it, but pretty much everything in this house does at one time or another...but I'm sure they can be brushed off. As usual, win the Tweak this time, and this prize is yours.

Government Grant...ed These Aren't Getting the Money

Well, if you are like me, you have been perplexed on more than one occasion upon hearing some bogus grant or study which determines something that no one ever even cared about...or something that even a monkey could have figured out without spending 2.7 million on. What we want you to do this time around is to be a little witty...and also a little wordy, and come up with a proposed study...we not only need the title/gist of the study, but also a little synopsis of what you plan to prove. Please, don't make them actual ones you've read about...we want originality...maybe something that's been plaguing you for years...or something you just thought of while reading this. Keep in mind the more mind-boggling/witty/funny, the better...with some basis of fact behind it, of course. Even tho we asked for wordy...please remember it is still quality and not quantity that counts here. You can check my lame one out below for an example.

Human Brain Trash Bin/File Cabinet

This study is to determine whether the human brain acts like a computer when completely useless back-memory is recollected - possibly to be either stored or deleted.

Case in Point/Theory: Once in a while a word will pop into my head I have not thought of for years, such as "moped". The only rationale I can conceive of why this happens is that the human brain is trying to ascertain whether or not to keep this word/image in useful memory, or to delete forever in the brain's trash bin. Complete memories that serve no purpose will also flash into this brain/screen delete/save mode...such as the time I thought I might have blurted something embarrassing out at a party as it got really quiet afterwards, but I'll never be sure as I was pretty much wasted at the time...but periodically this jumps into the forefront of my random thoughts.