Tweak Of The Week LXXXV: Government Grant...ed These Aren't Getting the Money
(Updated 14 Dec 03)

Last time around we told you to come up with a government-type of grant...grab a chair and sit down for a while...we have quite a few...

Gambling Improves intelligence: By sending a test group of 20 2nd grade children to a casino for 8 hours a day to play Roulette, Black Jack, and Slots; and a control group of 20 to watch Barney for 8 hours a day, the study will prove that the test group will score significantly higher in math, English, and will know to tip the waitress, while the control group will be lucky to remember their own name. (

Do Fish Sweat? Examine living fish under a microscope after they flop around in the water and after they flop around out of water. Measure water and slime coefficient. Sell research results to an antiperspirant company to secure financing for the next study, which is... what the HELL causes that fishy smell and how to get rid of it. (

Jessica Simpson/Alien Theory It is not possible for someone to live on earth for 20 years and know as little as she does about anything. We feel she must be from another planet, sent to earth to suck the intelligence from lusting teenage boys. (

How about a grant to study grilled-cheese sandwiches? Are they better with two slices or one? If two, should they be placed squarely on top of one another, or should the cheese slices for eight-pointed stars? If stars, do these have any religious connotations or could they offend members of certain faiths that use stars of a different number of points and, if so, should double-cheese sandwiches be banned from government buildings? Are grilled-cheese sandwiches better served plain, or should they contain condiments such as mustard or pickle relish, as well as fruits and vegetables such as tomatoes and onions? Is it advisable to make grilled ham and cheese sandwiches using only one slice, or are two required to cement the whole thing together? And, perhaps the most important question, where can I get a grilled-cheese sandwich right now? (

Hypothesis; Possible correlation between action movie climaxes and disruption in the space time continuum. Many times in action movies, at the climactic moment, we see the hero wail "NOOOOOOO!!". They then leap into the air to stop a fired bullet, throw someone to the ground, hurl a bomb out a window, or some other heroic act. As this occurs, time always slows to a crawl. Does the emotion of the moment cause a temporary rift in the fabric of time? Is it the act of screaming "NOOOOOOO!!" and/or leaping that causes this? Or is it just a lame ass way for the director to increase the drama, and I watch way too much "Star Trek"? (

$33 million on $33 million for $20 A study to determine whether spending $33 million on an advertising campaign for the new twenty dollar bill increases consumer spending. After extensive study, it appears that through no fault of this advertising campaign, spending actually decreased due to the inability of self-checkouts at the grocery store to take the newly designed bill. However, there was a notable increase in spending in the government sector over this same period of time. (

MTRT (Mattress Tag Removal Trauma)-- The grant monies will be used to fund a study of the immediate, and long lasting effects, on consumers, and their families, following the deliberate or accidental removal of mattress tags. The study will focus on the following areas-- 1. The financial and emotional cost of defending such actions in court. 2. The impact of such removal on the sexual behavior of couples. That is -- is there a difference in sexual activity based on whether there is, or is not, a tag on the mattress? 3. Are there behavioral differences in children, up to age three, conceived on mattresses with or without a tag? And what is the significance of those differences? 4. How does the parent or parents who remove the tag explain this behavior to their children? 5. Are there significant differences in the effect of the removal of the tag if such removal were accidental as compared to a deliberate, thoughtful act? 6. What is the appropriate response of the larger society to such behavior--should the society take a firm stand against such acts or is a softer approach the correct way to go? (

Jukebox Theory: The intention of this study is to prove why the songs that most often get stuck in your head are the ones you never liked in the first place. (

Grant proposal: A government study of government studies. This study proposes to study the manner, efficiency, and effectiveness of government studies as a whole, with the objective of finding out why we need a government study to tell us we are spending $600 per toilet seat after the money is spent rather than in a time and manner such that we can send the buyer to K-Mart and buy the seat for $9.95. As a follow-on study, this study will study itself, seeking to discover how much money could have been saved by studying nothing. (

Study: Correlational Recombinant Comestibles Amongst Caucasians The purpose of this study is to determine what exactly it is about white people that makes them think that bologna (a corollary study to be made to determine why they can't pronounce the name properly; also noting that said substance is made of cast-off meat products such as rancid mesentery & adipose tissues, as well as syphilitic genitalia), Wonder Bread, mayonnaise and American cheese (which isn't real cheese at all) is a good thing to have for lunch. Follow-up study to explore the relationship of said sandwiches to the probability of consuming Twinkies. (

Study Theory: Teenage residents of the rural Kentucky foothills that have participated in interfamilial matrimony are markedly less fashion conscious than a typical New York teenage urbanite. Proposed study: We will extract ten (10) teenagers from a Kentucky high school jug band and ten (10) teenagers from the Zsa Zsa wing of the Ivana Trump School of Fabulousness, then send them off on a month-long Parisian shopping trip. A fashion giant (such as Buddy Lee or Pauly Shore) will then judge their clothing selections based on the following criteria: panache, chic, flamboyance, élan and absence of "Bjorktitude" (the intermingling of road kill with unitards). (

This study is to investigate what causes me to think about taxes while trying to forestall sexual climax. Abstract: A team of suitably nubile graduate students will engage me in various permutations of the sex act to determine the proximate cause of my using visualizations of the 1040A (long form) and errata to somatically affect and defer its conclusion. Whatever the results, one of the conclusions will be that additional study is needed. (

Our 2nd runner-up, who will receive an origami creation of their choice (off our list)...

Grant Proposal: One Thousand Monkeys "Give a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters, and in a thousand years they'll produce the complete works of Shakespeare." Sure, you heard it before, but is it really true? Surely, the laws of entropy and chaos theory state that, in a closed system (there are only a thousand monkeys and a thousand typewriters, making this a closed system) you can expect the system to produce only increasingly random results, not the perfectly ordered results needed to produce Shakespeare. Besides, if we're being random, why not wait for the Oxford English Dictionary or, say, how about that report you're supposed to have ready by tomorrow morning, only you're too busy entering silly contests on a humor site? This study proposes to use thousands on monkeys working in unison with a mainframe computer which will isolate and assemble words and phrases that appear non-random, thus accelerating the production of pre-existing works of literature, as well as other written documents. The expected benefit of this study is that, no matter how long it takes to achieve the required document, no matter how much it costs to fund, this process is still cheaper, quicker and easier than getting anything out of the damned office copying machine. (

Our 1st runner up (technically a co-winner, but I didn't have a 2nd hat)...yes, I will have to find something to send them...perhaps an unclaimed Tweak prize...

This is a study to determine if there is a scientific reason that if you have only seen a TV show one time, the next time that you see it, it will be the episode that you saw before. It is well known that this has happened, but this study will find out why and more importantly...HOW. The occurrence that this happens is just too much to be a coincidence. If we could find out how the human brain programs itself to KNOW that a particular episode of a program is on, imagine what else we could do. A small grant of ten million dollars will get this study underway. Of course I'll also need a new satellite for my house, big screen TV, surround sound as this would stimulate the subjects to be studied. (

And our winner...who gets that Fila cap...

This study is to prove that my wife is not always right, she just thinks she is. Abstract: Researchers will compare the answers to standardized questions provided by other men whose wives are always right and compare them to my wife' establish at the very least that not all right answers are identical. Researchers will then test the hypothesis that my wife will say any of her "wrong" answers are because the researchers "did it wrong" and that she will decline to design a better test because "it's stupid." (

Well, this prize is quite nice - albeit it was free to me...but YOU would probably have to come all the way to Alabama, and pretty much make it not worth your while. What it a Southern Homes & Gardens (one of the largest local nurseries and all around swanky home gift emporium here) pocket calendar for 2004. I am sure you could use it...or give it to someone who could. Anyway, this is the prize up for grabs this week at TOTW.  

A Pictorial Holiday Scene

Well, we had a couple other Tweak ideas we were thinking of...but since Christmas is now fast approaching, we thought it best to throw out a holiday one. What we want you to do is pretty simple...take one of your favourite holiday movies/specials and play director/editor...and let us know which scenes were left on the cutting room floor. In other words...give us some made-up deleted scenes...or even alternate endings that just didn't make the "cut"...or would that actually be "made the cut"? As usual, we are looking for funny/witty/off-the wall...even morally depraved entries. Anyway...I will get the ball rolling by doing one of the most obvious...and speaking of "most obvious"...try not to be. :)

A Christmas Story: While going outside to use his Red Ryder BB Gun for the very first guessed it, Ralphie shoots his eye out...which makes it all the more prophetic as envisioned in the "blinded by LifeBuoy soap" scene earlier in the technically, Ralphie gets that wish, at least...and yes, his parents are indeed "sorry".