Due to my being sick, I have not had the energy to update the Tweak. Rest assured it will be updated one day this week, so if you still have any entries...I wouldn't delay sending them in.
Tweak Of The Week LXXXVI: A Pictorial Holiday Scene
(Updated 25 Dec 03)
Last time around we asked you to take any holiday-themed movie and alter the ending...or let us know which ending was scrapped on the cutting room floor...we picked quite a few, so this might take a little while...
The Santa Clause: Tim Allen (figuring out that he doesn't have a paying job), realizes that he still owes his ex-wife alimony and child support. He then precedes to give her presents to substitute for the lack of dough. His ex-wife grudgingly accepts them. Since he only comes to visit once a year, she files for full custody on the premise that he is a dead-beat dad. The judge then grants it to her. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer: Originally, actors were cast in the rolls of reindeer, with W.C. Fields set to play Rudolph. Various other actors were going to be all the other reindeer (you know Donner, Blitzen, whatever...no one can remember their names, anyway). Unfortunately, W.C. Fields couldn't drive that sleigh straight, kept mumbling something about "Who put orange juice in my 'orange juice'!" and his nose was sooo red and shiny that it kept blinding the camera man. Hence, the reason that producers decided an animated version would be better. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
Miracle on 34th Street: Kris Kringle is on trial for his sanity and his life. Just then, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer gallops into the courtroom -- seven months pregnant. Crying and sobbing, she cries, "It's his baby!" (email@example.com)
1950s America was simply a more wholesome place then it is today. As such, Todd Peterson, director of the "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" claymation special, cut the horrific "locker room broomstick sodomy" scene, in which Rudolph is bent over, at the cruel mercy of his peers. With this scene cut, we never truly understand why Rudolph feels so picked on by the other reindeer. A controversial move Mr. Peterson, but America thanks you. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Special: John sits down to Christmas dinner and gives thanks for the bacon wrapped frog's legs he is about to eat. (Pootybrew@earthlink.net)
The Santa Clause: Scott finds out at the courthouse when his child is taken away again for the last time, that he is really having alcoholic blackouts instead of the trip around the world as Santa, and that the reason why he is gaining so much weight is due to his drinking problem, not the fact that he is Santa. (email@example.com)
While I'm glad to see that my version of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" is so popular with audiences of all ages, I am saddened that producers Rankin/Bass cut the only scene with a real social message: Before he runs away from home, Rudolph and Clarice are caught in a poignant embrace of "young love" that results in a fawn some time in the following July. The scene was removed from the movie because, frankly, the producers were too thick to forsee the need for sex education that I did and now... well, look at the result. I mean really the deer overpopulation these days.... (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Frosty the Snowman originally had a darker tone, but the scenes of decapitated snow people and Frosty yelling, "There can be only one!" were removed. (email@example.com)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas: A dis-claimer style tag ending is added to the classic Dr. Seuss Holiday cartoon. Prepared by none other than the well known TV attorney, Johnnie Cochran, It will finally vindicate the much maligned and wrongfully accused Grinch, by showing that Christmas was never actually stolen, per say; Just borrowed and then timefully returned in perfect condition. Subsequently, no harm was done, so it will proclaim to America that although, mischievous, Mister Grinch was no thief! (No crook, The Grinch! You must not lynch!) (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Home Alone: Deleted scene after the police haul away Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern; MacCauley Culkin goes back in the house and shouts; "Okay, they're gone, you can come out now, Michael!" (MrglsJon@aol.com) Well, we weren't going to do any more MJ ones for a while...but we had to throw this one in.
Yes Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus: In this lost and truly depressing scene from the 1974 classic, Virginia, upon growing up, realizes that not only is Santa Claus a load of bull, but love, generosity and devotion do not exist either. She comes to the sad conclusion that the entire editorial is crap and because of that the world would be no less dreary without Virginia's. She ends her life in a truly disturbing suicide scene. The scene was cut from the movie because it was decided it might scar children for life... not unlike growing up and learning there is no Santa Claus. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
It's a Wonderful Life: George gets to see life without him. His angel? Ken curtis (Festus) who shows him that Mary is the town slut giving Potter BJ's for peanut butter and jelly sandwich's. His angel comments "Whachya orta do is go back and kick the livin' tar outta that prevert" so George returns to his life, splits Potters head open with jar of Peter Pan Super Chunk but finds he cannot kiss his wife without spitting. Uncle Billy joins a 12 step program. (email@example.com)
The Grinch, Jim Carey, wipes of his make-up and waves around a fistful of sweaty money, screaming, "Who really stole Christmas? Huh? Who really stole it?" Anyway, the time I spent watching that movie is two hours I'll never get back. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Our two Runners-Up (yes, we've been in the "giving" mood this holiday season with multiple winners) who both receive 20 RA's and an origami...
It's A Wonderful Life: When his little girl says at the end, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings"...the scene cuts to a group of people who look just like Clarence setting up the first Salvation Army....and now you know what all the annoying bell ringers are really for..by the way all the change you drop in is for the cost of halos. (email@example.com)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Burl Ives' narration is inexplicably interrupted by tape of an old Studs Terkel interview in which Studs repeatedly queries his longtime fellow traveller about the story's relevance to the war in Vietnam. In the interim, Sam the Snowman melts. (HerzogVon@aol.com)
And the winner of 25 RA's and the 2004 Southern Homes Pocket Calendar...
It's a Wonderful Life: In the alternate ending, George Bailey closes his bank when depositors all try to take their money out. He withdraws everyone's money and moves it to a secure offshore account in his own name. George's neighbors converge on his home, angry and cursing because his bank is insolvent. His wife and kids weakly complain that they don't know where he is, but fear he is lying dead in some snowbank because you know what a schmozzle he is. But George is actually in the Cayman Islands, where he phones a powerful friend in Congress. Within hours a bill is passed in Congress to bail out the bank. The depositors get reimbursed, and George, who is indicted in absentia, is forced to live as an expatriate in luxury on a tropical island, surrounded by topless native girls and easing his psychic pain with Long Island Iced Teas and pina coladas. The movie has a postscript: 40 years later, when George is a septuagenarian, Bill Clinton issues him a full pardon because he has "suffered enough." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
True to form...it's time we give away something from our boxes of Christmas stuff pulled down from the attic...late again...they will probably stay "out of the attic" until sometime in May. This time around it is a Christmas Flag...it is brand new...made of cloth and measures approximately 3' x 4'...we didn't measure it - but you know the deal - it's one of those things you hang outside on a pole. Anyway, this is the prize if you win the Tweak this time around.
Better Late...and Clever
Well, we had a hard time thinking of a Tweak to do this time around...should it be "Celebrity Resolutions", "Silly Resolutions", New Year's anythings? We thought and we thought, and really couldn't decide upon something that wasn't going to be pretty much obvious or that could not be done in a Top Ten or ReBa...so, we decided upon a novel idea...hey, at least it's our first. Many times, after I get done posting the winners for Tweak, people will email me saying, "Damn, I had a great one for that one, too...but you already updated it". Well, here's your chance to redeem yourself and put your entry where your mouth (technically fingers I guess) is. What we want you to do is to take any of the archived Tweak Of The Week contests (not Top Ten, not NYCM...just TOTW) - let us know which it was, Number and Title...and submit your entry for it. If you are doing multiple contests, please use only one box per contest as it will already be rather difficult for me to cross reference them. So there you have it...a kind of retrospective back at the year that was...only this time it will be the years that were, so to speak. No examples from me this time, as the examples are all found in each individual archived Tweak.