Tweak Of The Week LXXXVIII: Too Much...Truth In Advertising
(Updated 23 Feb 04)

Last time around we asked you to come up with some products that would show the "all too truthful" ad campaigns built around them...

Snickers Energy bar, we've repackaged our candy bar and marketed it as an energy bar so now its healthy. (

Gigli: You didn't believe it could be THAT bad, so you rented it. We've got your $4 and we're not giving it back! (

Viagra: The pill that will not work on Saturday night but will give you a raging woody the next morning in church while in the choir. (

Kitchen-Aid Trash Compactor: The $500 appliance that turns your pile of trash into -- a pile of trash! Have loads of fun watching the trash collectors strain to lift and toss those 100 pound lumps you've created! (

Meet Jared who lost 100 pounds by eating at Subway (no bread, no sauces, no cheese, no meat...only lettuce). Also meet the entire rest of the population of Tacoma Wash. who gained an average of 25 pounds each eating regular Subway stuff, because Subway was not paying them to diet. (

Burger King's Low-Carb Menu: You know how when you order a Whopper you can hold the pickles and hold the lettuce? Well, now you can hold the bun! (

Porsche: Because it works better than a penis extender. (

Speedo: You won't look good in any other bathing suit anyway, so you might as well get the best tan legally possible. (

Control Top Panty Hose: Somewhat flattens a tummy bulge by displacing the girth up and over the waistband. This creates an optical illusion that the butt is smaller because the waist is now much bigger. Face it, some things just can't be controlled. (

Ammonia, acetone, naphthalene, methanol, formaldehyde, phenol, hydrogen cyanide, metals (76 metals including arsenic, cadmium, nickel), radioactive compounds, acetic acid, toluene & pesticides, cancer, emphysema, shortness of breath. See you get more than just a pack of cigarettes, a $5,000 value, for less than $5.00. --RJ Reynolds Tobacco (

Motorola Cell Phones: Brain infected with cyanobacteria? Obsessive-compulsive who needs a distraction in order to drive more safely? Want to play crappy 1980's-style video games in monochrome while you wait at the dentist's office? Have we got a three-in-one product for you. Irradiate your brain, have conversations in the bathroom at Macy's, and even play Vegas-style Blackjack, all in the comfort of your own private universe! (

Time Magazine: The news of the week--articles as "timely" as a snail since you've already read them in the daily paper, heard the news on the radio; seen the events on TV, read them on the Internet, and know who's starring in the movie being made of them. (

Orange Juice from Concentrate: We take the water out then put it back in, and charge you twice. (

Nike: Sure they're just shoes, but we paid some sports guy $6 million because he said he could get you to pay an extra fifty dollars a pair just to wear them. (

Spam: Thank goodness the Department of Health gives a few weeks notice before coming in to do an inspection. (

Five-Day Deodorant Pads: Because you really do smell that bad. (

ObscenityBlocker (TM) Parental Control Device for cable television: Guaranteed to infuriate your increasingly independent teens and destroy any semblance of trust lingering in the parent-child relationship! (

The RONCO all-purpose neck massager: Yeah, like it's REALLY for your neck. (

If we can't get you a signal, we'll put you on roam and charge you. If we cant get you a number when you call information, we still charge you. If we drop your calls, too bad, we'll still charge you. At least we'll never lose track of your rollover minutes, ever! --Cingular Wireless (

Need an excuse to touch every guest at your party? Just want to play a little grab-ass and don't have the cahones to say so? Well, there's always Twister. (

Ben & Jerry's: It's not really better because we're from Vermont, or donate to save the rain forest, or have silly flavor names, but it did get you to remember us! (

HP Inkjet Printer: Our versatile color printer is virtually free; You only have to buy 4 ink cartridges a year through our monopoly at $50 each, making the ink about $10,000 a gallon. (

New Fresh-Scent Charmin: If you truly need perfumed toilet paper, maybe your not "finishing the job". (

The winner of that 2004 Korean wall calendar...

Kraft Nacho Kit: Because we know you're too stupid and lazy to actually melt cheese on your own chips. (

The prize this time around is a navy blue Air Force regulation cummerbund...or at least it was once (we've had it here for a while, who knows how often they change the "cummerbund design" dress code)...valued, also at the time, at a whopping $12.25! I don't think it's been's still in its original packaging...and it is also "crumb free" as I checked. This would be perfect not only for that upcoming prom date, as it's pretty nearly black...but also for when you want to get all dressed up...for whatever to play HMO! :) And all you have to do is win Tweak Of The Week this time around to own it.

Quantum Leap Year

What I thought would be kinda fun, since this is a Leap Year, would be to capitalize on not only that, but also the plot of the Quantum Leap TV show (where a scientist was leaping from body to body trying to get back to his own, but at the same time also altering history as we would eventually know it). We, of course, want to change it just a little to suit our needs. We want you to "leap" into the body of someone in the past (living or one fictional) and change history, for the better or worse, hopefully somewhat entertaining and funnily...and do it all in a neat little paragraph. Nothing overly wordy, please...but chances are you will have to set it up a little longer than just a sentence. I came up with one below to get you started in case you needed some guidance.


Leap into the body of Edward J. Smith, Captain of the ill-fated Titanic...steering it completely away from the notorious iceberg, thereby saving not only all the crew and passengers, but also us all from the horror of having to watch Leonardo DiCaprio portraying Jack Dawson years later in the 1997 James Cameron film. The added bonus is we would also not have to watch James Cameron's "I'm king of the world" Oscar acceptance speech snippet for the rest of Academy Award flashback history.