Tweak Of The Week XCI: What Are The Odds?
(Updated 17 Apr 04)

Last time around we asked you to come up with the odds of something happening...we had many entries...many entries posing the inevitable question "What are the odds that I will win this TOTW", and many bizarre entries as well, but we narrowed it down to these...

What are the odds that you decide to talk to your dogs, in their language [woof woof] that one of your neighbors just happens to be on the other side of your screen door to hear the whole thing. (

What are the odds that for all the times my mother said, "You wait till your father gets home" that something would really happen when father got home? (

What are the odds that you will run into your old high school boyfriend at the grocery store when you have unbrushed hair, no makeup on and it's the one time you are wearing the ugly T-shirt with a cat on it that you're grandma bought you for Christmas? (

What are the odds of a tree falling on you in the forest with no one else around while you're making the sound of one hand clapping? (

When you have cats what are the odds of them barfing on your tile floor rather that running straight for the carpet? The white carpet? (

What are the odds that I get to the grocery store at any given time on any given day and it's 'seniors bring your pennies and pocket lint' day? (

What are the odds your spouse will inform you 60 seconds after you've brushed your teeth that your 2 year old daughter has developed a propensity for putting your toothbrush in the toilet and that you should probably not use the one there. (

What are the odds that letting your 3-year-old watch South Park will have any ill-effects? (

What are the odds that Grandma would die just a couple days before we planned her funeral? How ironic. (

What are the odds that when I'm driving my 93 year old father somewhere, he will comment negatively on my driving ability? (I'll give you the answer to this one. The odds are 100%.) (

What are the odds of a meteorite demolishing your car just after you made the last payment? Probably astronomical. (

What are the odds that when you own a DVR that can record 2 shows at once, a VCR that can tape an additional show, the TV which will let you watch still one more show, that the only FIVE shows worth watching all week will come on at the same time? (

What are the odds that if you Have to go to the bathroom NOW, you will be wearing the clothes with the most buttons, belts, and snaps to undo? (

What are the odds when I happen to have an editorial background and I point out that the first example of Tweak of the Week uses a word that doesn't exist as such except in the last News You Can Muse as it appears here--the past tense of drag is dragged. not drug--and then you see in the next example that the phrase "the odds of you stubbing your toe" should correctly read "the odds of your stubbing your toe" of my ever winning another contest? (

What are the odds that, unknown to you, your nine-year-old will unplug your alarm clock leaving you to set new land speed records the next day in a vain attempt to get to work before someone notices you're not there and then the next day realize you set the clock, forgetting to adjust for AM and PM and the alarm doesn't go off the next morning leaving you to again do your best to break the sound barrier trying to get to work. (

What are the odds that your mother will IM you while you're downloading the Paris Hilton video? (

Ah...our runner-up, who has that same delusional dream I have...who will just have to settle for 25 RA and an origami creation...until that 3:00 a.m. phone call, that is...

What are the odds that a drunken network executive will be surfing the net, stumble upon humormeonline, discover my outlandish, irreverent style of humor and offer me my own sitcom? (

And our winner of 30 RA's and those great Christmas stencils...who I'm certain read this in one of Nostradamus' prophetic quatrains...

What are the odds that the only surviving movie from our era will be "Gold Member" and that archeologists in the future will hold up phrases like "Shagalicious" as we hold up Julius Caesar's "I came, I saw, I conquered?" (

Well - all I can say is that if you win this week's Tweak - you will indeed be regre... uh... sure not to pass on the prize offered up. It is a Star Wars Jar Jar monthly calendar by Day Runner . Now don't get all bummed out - it is laminated so you can reuse it, literally, for the rest of your life. It is approximately 12" x 18" and has some indentations/scratches that you can see if you hold it up so it reflects the light - but other than that mesa thinks it's okieday. This prize can be yours if you win this week's Tweak. (Yes...the image was cut-off when we scanned it...there is actually a little bit more to this calendar...but it was either cut off Jar Jar or the days....hmmm...)

No No's

This is our first of two special "Test Tweaks" for the "Finish Line" contest replacement...bear in mind that you will be voting for this or the following contest after both are over. Anyway, the way you play this one is that we give you a scenario and you tell us things you should NOT say or do in that situation. Pretty simple premise...and I doubt you even need an example...but I threw one in anyway. So as not to take up all the ideas for future contests, if you guys end up picking this one as the replacement, we are only going to give you only three instances. Feel free to do one or more - again as many entries as you'd like. Please put the scenario you chose before your entry...otherwise there might be very strange entries indeed. ;)

In a biker bar in Deadwood, South Dakota

Getting a gynecological exam

Standing in front of a judge for drunk driving charges

Example (provided by The Stumbling Chef, who has been in this situation more times than he can recall):

In a biker bar in Deadwood, South Dakota: "Any of you fairies know who owns all of them bikes out there I just ran over?" (Yes, we stated the obvious entry for that you are forced to think of something else. )