Tweak Of The Week XCII: No No's
(Updated 28 Apr 04)

Last week I gave you three scenarios and asked that you come up with things you should not say and/or do in each instance. These are in no special order and I have grouped them by topic so they would be easier to read.

In a biker bar in Deadwood, South Dakota:

"Hey! There's no Elton John on this jukebox." (

"Is this where Pee Wee did that wonderful dance?" (

"Dude, if that Harley jacket with the weathered patches doesn't just scream "metrosexual", I don't know what does." (

"I feel pre-tteeee, oh so pre-tteeee...C'mon, everyone!" (

"Hey Bartender! Make me a Pink Squirrel - and don't hold back on the freakin' Creme de Noyaux, neither!" (

"So you guys think you're pretty tough? Harley! Har! Har! Har!" (

"Anyone here know the name of that blonde chick that 'rocked' me in the parking lot, and by the way, how'd this town get the name 'Deadwood' anyway!" (

Getting a gynecological exam:

Start singing "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer, just as he snaps on his gloves. (

"It's a long story, but it starts with a bad romance novel and a wedge of cantaloupe." (

"Hey, Doc... pull my finger." (

"O-o-o-h, um-m-m, ah-h-h, yes, yes, yes!" (

"I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours." (

Standing in front of a judge for drunk driving charges:

"I see two of you, Your Honor. I thought double jeopardy was prohibited by law!" (

"Your Honor, I wasn't drunk. I only had one glass of wine...and two ludes...and three Valium...and a couple of tokes." (

"You've been brought here for drinking." You: "Thanks Judge... I'll have a scotch." (

Don't plead the fifth while drinking one. (

"Your Honor, I was WAY too high to drink, your daughter will vouch for that." (

"Dude, where's my car?" (

"So I sez to the bartender, I sez, 'Make that one for the road, with a Police Car Chaser!'...Ain't that a knee slapper, Judgerino, Baby?" (

"Hell no... I can barely do the alphabet sober. How am I supposed to do it now?" (

"Oh come on, Your Honor, who hasn't thrown back a few cold ones then got behind the wheel and ran over a few dogs in their own backyard? It's not like they were people or anything." (

"Your Honor, I don't see why I am on trial today. If my drunk driving truly poses such a huge danger to society, then why was I able to drive drunk all the way to this very courthouse today? Can you anslur me that? (

Our Runner-up...who will receive 30 RA and an origami of their choice (from our list):

In a biker bar in Deadwood, South Dakota: "Hey, fellas, I'm gonna go pee-pee in the little boys room really quick, could you baby-sit my Vespa outside?" (

The winner...who gets that coveted Jar Jar Day Planner and 35 Rat's Asses:

Standing in front of a judge for drunk driving charges: After you receive a suspended take out a flask and say "This calls for a toast!" (

Well, we are trying to get rid of it again - it's perhaps our tackiest prize we've ever offered up, and you can guess it...last time it wasn't even claimed...what are the odds of that?? We won't keep you in suspense any longer - it is the 88 cent plastic top that converts any 2-liter plastic soda bottle into a canister to hold things. Again, we are asking, if you do win this and are brave (or insane) enough to use it...we'd love to see a photo of your handiwork. Keep in mind you probably won't see this little "beauty" given away at any other website out there...and all you have to do is win this week's be displaying it in a place of prominence in your very own home!

Grave Words

This is our second of two choices for the replacement contest for Finish Line - we also request that you let us know (via this Tweak link) which contest you'd choose (this one or the one we just picked a winner for). As we did with our previous contest, "No No's", above, we left off the contributor's name so all votes will be based on contest alone. (Credit will be given after all votes are tallied next Tweak update.)

Now on to our new contest..."Grave Words"...the rules of which are pretty much what the name implies. I give you a scenario of who and/or how someone died...and you are to come up with an epitath/tombstone blurb for them. Feel free to do a (short) rhyme or just come up with something non-rhyming which is witty, funny, etc. We are only giving one scenario this time...just in case it is chosen for the replacement (don't want to use ALL our ideas already). The example (below the featured topic) was also provided by the sender...because I was being much too lazy to think of one myself.

This Week's Topic: Timmy Hatch: Swallowed pretty much whole by his sister's pet boa constrictor.


Mary, of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" Fame:

When we hear, "Mary had a little lamb," We think, "Oh, that pet's a winner!"
But when the lamb heard those same words, he thought, "Good Grief, I'm dinner!"
He bowed his little head to pray, then at Mary he did run.
"Lamb self-defense," some will say. Who cares? Our Mary's done.

Please remember to also cast your vote here for "No-No's" or "Grave Words"...which will run approximately three months at Finish Line's contest slot.  

The winner has been chosen...please do not cast any more votes. Thanks for your participation.