Tweak Of The Week XCVI: Sex Change Movies (Part 2)
(Updated 29 Jul 04)

To recap...we asked you last time around to take a "guy film", alter the title a tad and turn it into a "chick flick". We also stated that keeping the plot same-ish but altering it girly-ish would be to your advantage. We had a lot more than I figured we would get...well, it also ran a lot longer than I thought it would as well (but it's summer and I've been a slug). So grab a chair, a tissue and a white wine spritzer and enjoy your many offerings...

The Longest Yard -- The Longest Yard Sale: A former football player/convict is released from jail early on the condition that he promises to spend more time with his wife. She shows him who's boss by requiring his constant presence at a weekend long yard sale. The man eventually cracks under the strain and sneaks off for a pickup game with the neighborhood kids. The wife, meanwhile, has a romantic fling with an Italian gentleman after selling him a bicycle pump. The husband is sent back to jail for violating the terms of his parole. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Basic Instinct -- Basic Courtship: A psychologist, an author, and the cop who's trying to figure out which of them murdered the rock-and-roll star never have sex in this romantic comedy. They both love him, they both love each other, and he's just confused. In the end, both ladies elope with his best friend. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Animal House -- I Love Animals House: A bunch of wild fraternity guys find their 'tender sides' when a litter of puppies is left by their front door. Their wild parties end; they join alliances with the local Humane Society. Sorority girls flock to visit; love-mates are found and boys, girls and animals live happily ever after. (pjb1671@netscape.net)

The Last Detail -- Down to the Last Detail: Set in the 50s, two WAVES (Farrah Fawcett and Pam Grier) are assigned to escort a frumpy Bosun's Mate (Stockard Channing) to the brig after she is caught pilfering eyeliner from the tyrannical Rear Admiral (Louise Fletcher). Seeing as how they are given three days while the brig is just around the corner, at lot of time is spent on shopping and a complete makeover. Watch for a cameo by Randy Quaid as a dimwitted shoe clerk. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Dirty Harry -- Dirty Harry Goes Home: Shows the two sides of a San Francisco cop. When the tough cop finishes his day, he goes home to become the tender loving husband. "Make my day" takes on a whole different meaning when he says it to his adoring wife. (pjb1671@netscape.net)

Batman -- Milkman: Some joker rides around Gotham City and leaves a present for his female customers nine months later. (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

Fight Club -- "Light" Club: A group of women decide they have had it with the Dr. Phil's and Dr. Atkin's of the world and start an underground support group for over-eaters. (KatSut78@aol.com)

Walking Tall -- Walking Tall In High Heels: Jennifer returns from being a big-city career woman to her small southern town where she opens a shoe boutique and tries to introduce the close-minded locals to high couture. (chharget@aol.com)

Terminator -- Perminator: A cyborg hairdresser, played by Christophe, is sent from the future, to eliminate an unborn Jose Eber. When I can think of anything to add to this, "I'll be back". (lacee7700@aol.com)

Little Big Man -- Little Man in the Canoe: The story of a young Indian Warrior's passage into manhood. "Two Bears" is taught by "Often Says Yes", an experienced squaw of his tribe, that he is not the hunter he thinks he is. She advises him to hunt below the thicket, near the spring that's always warm and find "the little man in the canoe". Once Two Bears meets the little man in the canoe, he is amazed at the amount of time he must spend with him, for the little man never grows tired of Two Bear's presence. Finally, after an abrupt eviction and a very sore jaw, Two Bears is declared a masterful hunter and quickly becomes the second most popular brave in the tribe, next to "Dangles Like Bull". (monetmonet@artlover.com)

Dodgeball -- Dodge Balls: A documentary made by the US Department of Social and Health Services, used in high school P.E. classes to encourage teenage girls to avoid pre-marital sex. (julie@blackbox.elsewhere.org)

Gone in 60 Seconds -- Comes in 60 Seconds: The frustration that a mid west housewife competes with over her husbands lack of endurance in the sack. (allen018@aol.com)

X2 -- Ex 2: Dr. Jean Grey endures tumult, a major breakup and a heartfelt reawakening when she realizes all the men she ever dated were mutants. (chharget@aol.com)

Die Hard -- Cry Hard: Action-loving terrorists hijack a movie theater right during the middle of a "Terms of Endearment" / "Steel Magnolias" double feature and start showing Bruce Lee films instead. It's up to brave audience member Jane McClane to violently dispose of the hijackers so that she and her fellow filmgoers can get back to "enjoying a good cry." (joseph.blevins@verizon.net)

Analyze This -- Analyze Him: Starring Halle Berry and Eddie Murphy. The story of a wife trying to change her husband into a better man including all the ways he avoids taking her advice. (mychickenlips@aol.com)

"The Two Jakes" becomes "How Can I Choose Between My Two Jakes?" A Lifetime movie of the week starring Valerie Bertinelli as a distraught woman who must choose between the love of a hard-bitten private eye and a married man (both played by Jack Nicholson, in a touching dual performance). Rue McLanahan co-stars as Bertinelli's sympathetic mother. Special cameo appearance by Joyce DeWitt because Unemployment needs proof she's actually working. (Mahoney_Chris@hotmail.com)

We decided on two runners-up this time around...they will win, in addition to the RA's...origamis of their choice...

Apocalypse Now -- Apocalypse Meow: A scene-for-scene remake of Coppola's Vietnam masterpiece... re-enacted by adorable kitty cats! Classic line: "I love the smell of Meow Mix in the morning." (joseph.blevins@verizon.net)

The Matrix -- The Matrix Salon: Mythical tale of a man known as The One who, as prophesied by the great Vidal Sasson, had a perfect head of hair. Wonderful special effects during the blow-drying scene set this film apart from poor knock-offs such as Lord of the Curling Irons and Master and Manicurist. (MaislosMom@comcast.net)

Our winner, who will probably receive The Lifetime Channel's Golden Hanky Award and will receive the John Travolta film, "Phenomenon"...

Face/Off -- Face/Lift: Shawna Archer spent all of high school being terrorized by a mean but very popular girl named Cassandra Troy. With their 20-year reunion coming up, Shawna decides to get a major face-lift to remove the wrinkles and other effects of being "thirty-something", and in the process asks the doctor to make her look just like Cassandra. She shows up at the reunion with a plan to ruin Cassandra's reputation, only to find out that Cassandra has also had an extreme face-lift and now looks like Shawna, and she's now getting all of the attention, since everyone actually liked Shawna better back in school. (murdoctor@aol.com)



Well, you've all been patiently waiting...and the time has come for us to give one away again! I'll just get out the old write-up and modify a little, as well, I'm a slug...plus they also redesigned their product. Here goes...

This time around we have something strange again..."Kiwi Fruit Scoops"! These don't look like the old designed "spork-looking" ones of old...apparently they've streamlined them a tad and now I believe a better word for them (which as far as I know I just made up) would be "spife" (Oxford Dictionary folks, are you listening?)...as they look like a spoon on one end and a knife on the other. Now, I know what you are thinking..."This is NOT fair, someone in my home will be using MY kiwi spife all the time, I won't ever be able to use it." Well, chances are we will probably have a runner-up or a co-winner...and, in that case...well, let's just say I've "supplied" myself with enough of these little beauties to dole out (no, these are not from Dole...they are from the Zespri kiwi guys) one to the runner-up this time...and also to have them as recurring prizes. I can sense your giddiness at the mere mention we have more than one. They come in Kiwi Gold Fruit Yellow and Kiwi Regular Fruit Green...Crayola are you listening? They are perfectly enclosed in their plastic wrappers and have never been used...in other words, they are new. I am sure you can also use them for lot of food that you wouldn't need a sharp knife to cut into...plus might need a spoon as well...like, uh, say...uh...a kiwi...um, cream cheese...hmmm...mayonnaise...liverwurst maybe...well, I'm sure the possibilities are out there. This nifty coveted prize can be yours...only if you win this week's Tweak Of The Week.


Free...dumb

Now, I was talking to someone a while back and pondered the fact that pretty much, the only product that routinely gives free things in their packages nowadays are cereals. Now, how come this freebie giveaway idea never caught on to other things you buy. I mean, you don't buy a loaf of bread and get a free toy in it - nothing comes free with your Bisquick - and uh, like why not? Personally I love free things - I would buy lots of things if they would just start putting free things inside...but enough about me. Anyway, I got to thinking - how about a contest where you name a product, and of course, the freebie that would come with it. Now, we don't want it something you would necessarily figure...we want it to be something that might not be the best of all choices to dole out as the prize...kinda like Tweak's prizes get (only money is no object in this contest). So, that's the object of the Tweak this time around...think of a product and an ill-fated, "not a lot of forethought went into it" kinda giveaway idea for said products...the more witty, outrageous, odd...the better. Please list the product with the freebie after it (makes it easier on me when I go to round them all up later). I came up with a couple examples below (not necessarily the best) if you needed further clarification...or if you just skipped my whole entire write-up...but we know you'd never do that, huh?

Examples:

Trojan Condoms: EPT Pregnancy Test
Accu-Check Diabetes Testing Kit: Jar of Marshmallow Fluff
My Little Pony Toy: Elmer's Glue