Tweak Of The Week XCVII: Free...dumb
(Updated 17 Aug 04)

Last time around we thought it would be fun to have a contest that would pair up a real product and not necessarily the "freebie" that you figured should have come with it when you bought it. We narrowed it down to these...

eMachines Desktop Computer: Sledgehammer (

Angel Soft Toilet Paper: Tucks Medicated Pads (

Bush's Beans: Can of room spray (

Electric skillet: Smoke detector (

Bianchi Pro Bicycle Seat: Preparation H (

Simoniz Car Wax: An umbrella (

Unisom: NoDoz (

Grapes: Raisin cookbook (

Harley Davidson Motorcycle: A home tattoo kit (

Stayfree Ultra Thin Maxi Pads: Small bottle of Clorox Bleach (

"Unspillable" child's drinking cup: Free roll of paper towels (

Rollerblades: Liquid Band-Aids (

Ogilvie Home Permanent: Wahl Hair Clippers (

100 pack of CD-R: Court summons for copyright infringement (

Viagra: a coupon good for 25% off on a pair of "relaxed fit" slacks. (

Sign up for an E-trade account, get a 2-to-7 year subscription to Martha Stewart Living. (

Box of Jello: Chopsticks (

Ford Explorer: Coupon for lifetime supply of RealLemon (

Sony Digital Camera: Three rolls of film (;

Ant farm: Free magnifying glass. (

Tampax: Horseback riding lessons (

Our runner-up, who wins the Kiwi "spife" ('cause we said they would this time around) and the "I'll have to go look again" amount of Rat's Asses...

Chicken of the Sea Tuna: Free mercury thermometer with every can! (

Our winner...who also wins the Kiwi "spife" and the "I'll have to go look again...but more than the runner-up's" amount of Rat's Asses...

GiGi's Brazilian Bikini Wax Hair Removal Kit: Bullet (

Hey, we have a bonafide collector's item up for grabs this time. We know you will want to send in copious amounts of entries in order to get these. Yes, they are even more sought after than the doorknob escutcheon (which we will have again soonly) or the pear ripening bag. Okay, I will keep you on the edge of your computer seat in suspense no longer. They are an actual pair of Devil Rays sunglasses sent to me by a friend who used to actually work with them (the team, not the sunglasses) in some capacity. They are black plastic (like were you expecting metal?) and of the semi-wrap around style and sport the words "Devil Rays" on one earpiece and "Tropicana" on the other. Surely, the babes will be all over you if you don these puppies. They seem a tad scratched on the lens (I swear I never wore them and yes, they are new...just have been in a drawer a while... in a pleather case which does not come with it...but will probably show up as a prize one you got me how they got scratched) - but, that, coupled with the fact they probably have no UV factor could say they exude a "Devil Ray may care" attitude...and, really, isn't that what ZZ Top's song was all about anyway? Yes, these can be on your face in literally a snail's pace IF you win the Tweak this time around.

Something Old, Something New

This Tweak was sent in by, and for doing that, he shall receive an origami from our list (and the designated RA's). What this contest entails is for you to think way back...and get an "oldie" song from the past (duh) and change the words around to pertain to today's goings-on...think of it as Weird Al Yankovic goes retro. Of course, as usual, the funnier, wittier, off-the-wallest...the better. Now, we don't really want you to bust a blood vessel trying to redo a whole song...just the chorus, first bit, or most sung part...whichever you'd prefer to use...just please make it an "old-style" song (something pre-1940s, preferably much older) but one that would be pretty much recognizable to the masses...and also let us know which song you are parodying. Yes, that means we would like the real title of the song along with your newly written old song. Now, because the Olympics are on, my lung collapsed some again, and the fact I know my limitations and I'd take a while to think of something rhymey and clever, I'm going to just include the one example (which was sent in some time ago, but I think is still relevant) sent in by, who gets double kudos for using "disparage" as a rhymed-to word.

Just to help you out a little, I've listed some old-tunes below which you could use (thanks to our old NYCM judge, Jankath, for helping me out here)...but please don't feel you have to limit yourself only to this list.

I Gave My Love a Cherry
Row, Row Row Your Boat (yeah, I'll even allow little ditties such as these...just don't try to pass off Supreme or Beatles tunes as "old" here)
She'll Be Coming 'round the Mountain
Camptown Races
Sweet Adeleine
Do You Know the Muffin Man?
I've Been Working On the Railroad
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
Cockles and Mussels
My Darling Clementine
My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean
Three Blind Mice
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
Down By the Old Mill Stream
Yankee Doodle
Loch Lomond ("You take the high road and I'll take the low road...")
If You Knew Susie Like I Know Susie
London Bridge Is Falling Down
I Want a Girl (Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad)
Has Anybody Seen My Gal?
Makin' Whoopie
Home On the Range
Old Folks at Home (Suwanee River)
Skip To My Lou


A Bicycle Built For Two: Britney, Britney, Give me your answer, do!
I'm half crazy all for the love of you!
It will be an annulled marriage,
Our love you will disparage
But you'll look sweet at my feet
Claiming marriage vows weren't true!