Tweak Of The Week XCIX: Don't Quote Me
(Updated 2 Oct 04)
Last time around I had asked you to take a memorable, oft-mentioned quote from a film and change it around some so, basically, no one would really want to quote it. Now, I have a couple in here that aren't exactly often quoted...but I thought they were good enough to list...and for all I know you run around quoting it constantly, so who am I to judge? Well, you know what I mean...you can stop with the insults now. By the way, I trusted you guys...and the quotes sounded pretty much verbatim...so if it's off by a word, I didn't double-check each and every one.
Crocodile Dundee - Paul Hogan: (original) "You call that a knife? This is a knife!" (changed) "You call that a knife? This is a paring knife!" (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
Planet of the Apes - George Taylor/Charlton Heston: "You maniacs! You blew it all up! Damn You! God damn you all to hell!!" (changed) "You maniacs! You blew it all up! Oh well. I have a babe on the back of my horse who can't talk. Life is good!" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Humphrey Bogart/Rick in Casablanca: (original) "Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into mine." (revised) "Of all the shin joints, in all the world, you had to walk into mine." (email@example.com)
Bruce Willis - Die Hard: (in a small airduct) Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. (changed) Now I know what Oprah feels like. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Love Story: "Love means never having to say you're sorry...." (changed) "Love means never having to make up a pre-nup...." (email@example.com)
The Outlaw Josey Wales - Clint Eastwood: (original) "You gonna pull them pistols or whistle Dixie?" (changed) "You gonna pull them pistols or whistle La Traviata?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Apocalypse Now: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning -- it smells like victory." (changed) "I love the smell of napalm in the morning -- it smells like waffles." (email@example.com)
2010: Odyssey II: "My God! It's full of stars!" (Referring to the monolith) (changed) "My God! It's full of beer!" (Referring to the Discovery's on-board fridge) (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Marlon Brando as Stanley Kowalski in "A Streetcar Named Desire", yelling up the stairs, "STELLA!!!" (changed) "FELLA!!!" (email@example.com)
Forrest Gump: "Mama always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'" (altered) "Mama always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates; somebody's already taken a bite out of every piece and left nothin' but those crappy coconut ones.'" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Jerry Maguire: "Shut up, shut up...you had me at hello." (changed) "Shut up, shut up...you had me at shut up." (BRE727@aol.com)
The Day the Earth Stood Still - Michael Rennie/Klaatu: (original) "We have come to visit you in peace and with goodwill." (changed) "We have come to visit you in peace and with good fruitcake." (no matter where they're from, they're trying to get rid of the fruitcake.) (email@example.com)
Star Wars ObiWan Kenobi: (original) "Use the Force, Luke." (tweaked): "Use brute force, Luke!" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Lauren Bacall -To Have and Have Not: "You don't have to act with me, Steve. You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and... blow. " (changed) "You don't have to act with me, Steve. You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? Don't you? I don't. Do you?" (RasGold@aol.com)
Kenneth Branagh as King Henry V: (original) "Once more, my merry men, into the breach!" (revised) "Once more my merry men, into the Beach Comber...for some buffalo wings!" (email@example.com)
My Fair Lady - Professor Henry Higgins/Rex Harrison: "Why can't a woman be like a man?" (changed) "Why can't a woman pee like man?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Bruce Cabot - King Kong: "It was beauty who killed the beast." (changed) "The blonde chick killed the monkey." (RasGold@aol.com)
A Few Good Men - Nicholson: "You want the truth?" Cruise: "I want the truth!!" Nicholson: "You can't handle the truth!" (changed) Nicholson: "You want the truth?" Cruise: "I want the truth!!" Nicholson: "You can't handle Nicole Kidman!!!" (email@example.com)
Our two runners-up, who will receive the RAs and an origami creation of their choice...
Any Lone Ranger movie - The Lone Ranger: (original) "Heigh Ho, Silver, Away!" (changed) "Heigh Ho, Silver, Oye Vey!" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Gone With the Wind - Rhett Butler/Clark Gable: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" to "Frankly, my dear, I don't care one teensy, teensy bit". (email@example.com)
The winner of those "Thank You" cards...I am sure Bette would be...uh...proud....
Bette Davis - All About Eve: "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night." (changed) "Click it or ticket, it's going to be a bumpy night." (RasGold@aol.com)
Our Tweak Of The Week prize this time around is in keeping with our contest...sorta. It's a pair of flip-flops and some L'Oreal kids shampoo (which I probably can't send thru the mail) so I'll most likely end up just removing the flip-flops out of the package and send them only. Oh, like I'm sure you will miss the shampoo...anyway, it would save me a buck or two that way on shipping alone. I am sure these are not John Kerry endorsed flip-flops or anything, but they are new...in a child's size of some sort and can be yours IF you win this week's Tweak.
I am sure most...well, at least some of you saw the Presidential Debate the other nite...and if you did, you witnessed both President Bush and Senator Kerry jot down stuff at their podiums whilst the other was talking. I thought it would be fun if we pretended there was an overhead "Debate-Cam" that panned in to show the viewing public just what they were scribbling down. So, it's as simple as that - give us your thoughts of what they might have been jotting down and, of course, let us know who was writing it...and as always, the funnier, wittier, and in this case, perhaps, less-politically correct, the better. Again, as always, we won't chastize anyone for their choice of candidate...we are just concerned with how funny the entry is. And just to show I am not biased...I give you my examples below...and well, I did do those flip-flops as a prize above...what can I say...George W. is just so much easier to parody.
George Bush: Tracing the outline of his hand.
George Bush: (Writing 100 times) I will NOT prononse pronunce...oh forget it - I will NOT say "nuk-u-lar".
John Kerry: Cartoon drawing of George Bush with a McDonald's paper hat on...caption below saying "George after the Election" - word balloon above: "Would you like fries with that? Uh sorry we have NOOOOO ketchup...aaaaarrrrrrrghhhhhhh!"