News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 24 Jan 10)

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CAIRO, EGYPT (parentdish) -- Magdalena Kwiatkowska of Poland is suing an Egyptian hotel, claiming that her 13-year-old daughter became impregnated after swimming in its pool. She says that there must have been errant sperm floating around just waiting to implant themselves in an unsuspecting female taking a dip. She swears that her daughter did not meet any boys during their vacation, so the mysterious sperm in the pool had to be the culprit.
(Story shot in by

Live, from Bucko’s Mom’s in Pennsylvania...

The 13-year-old daughter's first name turned out to be "Madonna". (

Did you know London Bridge is actually over the Nile and located near Cairo? Today's your lucky day, it's for sale! (;

Case closed! It states right in the news story, that she took a dip...all the hotel's lawyer needs to do is find out who that dip was. ( There are so many candidates...including a number of HMO contestants.

Of course she got sperm from swimming in the pool, because the hotel is in Cairo, which is in de Nile. (

Do you know how much fun I could've had as a teenager with a mother that stupid?!? Of course, I DID live to adulthood...hmm...push. ( Yeah, I hope you have a kid just like you.

Come to think of it, Magdalena never did see the wings leaving her daughter’s room. ( AT least the kid was a virgin before the incident, meaning she had an immaculate ovulation.

She must have been swimming in the gene pool by mistake. (;,others)

Actually the Egyptian navy was staying at the hotel, and the pool was full of seamen. (

Well, if that errant sperm is anything to go by...this is going to be one hell of a child! (

In unrelated news, it is reported that Octomom has recently booked an "emergency trip" to Egypt, for some reason. ( Sadly, serial idiocy isn’t against the law. Cross reference: Two terms of Dubya.

It should be noted that Mrs. Kwiatkowska is from a nice Polish family of fifteen stork-delivered children. (

Anthony, the pool guy is the culprit...It was a Tony's Home Spermanent. (

Naturally, the judge threw out the case stating that the mother's claim was totally inconceivable. (;

Why do I feel a new religion coming on? (

Several local young men have been questioned after a night out of "shooting pool".
Did they get their balls in the pocket?

Next time I swim in Egypt, I'm bringing my OWN snorkel. (

Does the hotel have to pay "Poolamoni"? (

Somewhere in here there just has to be a Polish Joke. (; Here ya go:

See, polish jokes ARE based on reality. What's the leading cause of teen pregnancies in Poland? Poolside Masturbation! Why don't you ever see Polacks in Mexico? They're afraid of what's in the water! (

...thereby creating subject matter for the first NEW Polish joke in fifty years! (

Damn! If I thought of this one, I wouldn't be paying child support! (

Maybe she was doggie-style paddling. (

Too bad the case won't be held in the States, she might have had a realistic chance. ( Cross reference: O.J. and the McDonalds “hot crotch” cases.

Come to think of it, this is a “hot crotch” case, too.

The mother must have had a swim herself -- in the shallow end of the gene pool. (;

OK, OK, I admit it... the water felt orgasmic and she was swimming by me right as I jizzed in my trunks. (

That's what happens when you go swimming in the pool during Beta Theta Pi rush week. ( I guess you could say they ”coeducated” her.

" . . . impregnated after swimming in its pool." Of what? (

Impregnated daughter? Something strange in the water. There I go again....reading Johnnie Cochrane's poetry. (

Arghhhhh! The Goa'uld are here! ( They’re the hotel’s stargate witnesses.

This is one cocked-up story. (

That's quite possible..someone may have robbed the sperm bank and stashed the loot there. (

We know of at least one person who is NOT the father....Michael Jackson. ( Isn’t it tasteless to mock the dead? Yep. Have at it.

She would have kept a better watch on her daughter, but she was too busy writing her name in the sand (cuz there wasn't any snow). (

In the next few months, look for Magdalena Kwiatkowska's daughter to appear on "The Maury Povich Show" where DNA tests will prove that the father is Roman Polanski. (

"No Lifeguard on duty. Swim in gene pool at own risk!" (;

Sounds like there was an unzipped fly in the ointment, somewhere. ( That wasn’t ointment. But it wasn’t spermicide, either.

Teenage Poolboy: Yes ma'am, I'll watch your daughter while you go shopping.
Teenage Lifeguard: She'll be in good hands. I know mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Teenage Housecleaner: Don't worry, ma'am. I have the key to her room if she gets locked out.
Teenage Valet Driver, Server, Receptionist and Bellhop: Yes, yes, we can help too. (

I believe it. Just like I believe my daughter got pregnant from sperm floating in the air when she was flying a kite by herself in the park. (

My wife really needs to stop swimming. (

Ridiculous. Any sensible woman knows that chlorine kills sperm. Not that I'm advocating Clorox douches as birth control. ( But all your “things” will come out brighter.

And people yell at me for PEEING in the pool! (

Suuuure. And the Easter Bunny left it there. (

Actually, that's how Bristol Palin got pregnant too. ( You mean Levi actually kept his “Johnston” to himself?

Despite all the hype from the media, the girl is taking it like a good egg. (

Was Tiger Woods playing golf there, by any chance? ( Another hole-in-one! Or vice-versa.

Or, it could be from using the same shower as her 14 year old brother. (

Adam West was not ever in the pool, although a questionable device labelled "Bat-Spunk" was found near the pool. Police continue to investigate. (|)

Right! And she's also trying to convince everyone that the white stuff on her nose is zinc oxide. ( Man, she really blew it.

This story defies one law and proves another....One is the law of physics; the other is Murphy's Law. (

Honortrouble Mention – Polish math, “new” math, whatever:

Yeah, yeah. And then the baby is a nine pound, six month preemie, just like my stepbrother. Puh-leeze. (

Bronze Bullshitzer Award – Cue the wrap music:

Well, that's one way to get mummified. (

Silver Shytekicker – It’s a real weekness:

Guess the kid missed her Ancient Egyptian Curse. (

And the Golden Gunkchunker – Mom’s advice failed to moove her:

Mrs. Kwiatkowska adds that she has always warned her daughter to be chaste, explaining that no one would buy the Kwiatkowska if they could sample the Kwiatmilkska for free. (

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VANUATU, SOUTH PACIFIC (BBC) -- Natives held a formal "conciliation" with the great-great-grandson of the British missionary, Rev. John Williams, whom the islanders' ancestors ate in 1839. Cannibalism was a sacred warrior practice. Nonetheless, the island has long felt "guilt," and even a "complex”. In penitence, Vanuatu symbolically gave Charles Milner-Williams a 7-year-old girl, who will not be eaten.
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