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(Updated 5 Apr 03)
I invite everyone to pick their all-time worst movie, the one that you watched just last nite, or the one that you vaguely remember from your youth...to write up a little synopsis of it. Of course, if you can do this with a bit of wit and humour...the more we will probably enjoy reading it. Please try to keep it under 300 words, which should be plenty long enough to get your point across with much embellishment. Also keep in mind we won't use the ones that simply say "This movie sucked!", or similar commentary...and please limit your profanity to network TV-type wordage. Please put at the end of your review how you wish your name to read...if you don't, we will use the screen name your review was submitted under.
Also, if you know of a date/time/channel a good campy movie will be coming on...give us a heads up and we will gladly post the details...we just ask that it be at least two days in advance so I can post it to the site. We hope you will enjoy this new feature and make it part of your visit when you come to HMO.
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Tracy Morgan is Astronaut Jones! But that's another "SNL" black sci-fi character"
2080 AD, Little America, the Moon: Nash (Eddie Murphy, "SNL" 1980-84), an ex-hood, owns the hottest nightclub on the world (formerly the biggest dump on the world). After the previous owner and house "entertainment" (Jay Mohr, "SNL" 1993-95) gets in trouble with mobsters (led by Burt Young, "Rocky"), Murphy winds up owning the joint, and man, does it turn around.
It becomes a disco, complete with the latest format of music discs on a turntable, but nevertheless, a friend's daughter (Rosario Dawson) wants a singing gig. Despite her experience in "Josie and the Pussycats," Murphy gets her something else at the club.
More mobsters approach Murphy, but he declines their polite offer of payment in $10,000 bills with Hillary Clinton on them (eat your heart out, Susan B. Anthony!). Their boss is a corrupt politician who wants to expand gambling to the moon and turn the club into a cosmic casino. One explosion later, Murphy gets his gun and an old-model protective android (Randy Quaid, "SNL" 1985-86) and goes on the run.
Peter Boyle ("Young Frankenstein") plays an ex-cop from Murphy's bad-old days. Illeana Douglas (Melvyn's granddaughter) plays a surgical reconstructor located on Microsoft Street. John Cleese ("Monty Python") plays a holographic chauffeur. And last but not least, blaxploitation diva Pam Grier plays Murphy's mom.
The soundtrack includes covers of familiar "Moon"-y tunes.
Between this movie, the sex and drugs of Studio 54, and the Rhode Island club fire, maybe one's better off dancing to their radio in their bedroom.
Producers include Frank Capra III (if Frank I were alive, this would kill him).
"Pluto" was in the can two years before release - they had to let it out before it suffocated.
Clint Eastwood directs himself ("Bronco Billy") as an aging FBI profiler out to bust a serial killer taunting him with an arcane number code. The sidekick to Paul Hogan in "Crocodile Dundee 3," Paul Rodriguez performs likewise here as the Mike Logan to Eastwood's Lennie Briscoe. Clint sees more action than the "Law & Order" cops, but his heart gives out and requires a replacement.
Now retired, he lives on a boat when he's confronted by Wanda DeJesus ("CSI Miami") - her sister was killed by a convenience store robber, leaving behind a son (Mason Lucero from "The Grinch"). An organ donor, she gave her heart to science, and Eastwood received it. After DeJesus' guilt trip, Eastwood's on the case.
Eastwood discovers a second, similar murder, and the trail takes him to Rodriguez, whose turn it is to be Briscoe, and a sheriff (Tina Lifford from "Pay It Forward"), both of whom are helpful in various ways. An encounter with a stranger suggests to Clint that the killer took totems from both victims.
In a scene, Eastwood brings doughnuts to cops - Krispy Kremes, in fact. (They're sinfully sweet - I prefer Dunkin' Donuts.)
Shades of Anna Nicole: Eastwood (age 73) and DeJesus (much younger) have a bedroom scene.
Jeff Daniels ("Speed") plays a neighbor hired by Eastwood to drive him about, fancying himself the Hutch to Clint's Starsky. Anjelica Huston (John's daughter) plays Eastwood's doctor. Clint's real wife Dina, an anchorwoman, plays herself.
It's hazardous to underestimate the old; it's dangerous for the old to overestimate their capacities. The ultimate moral - you don't need your body as long as you keep your head.
Produced by Eastwood's Malpaso company (Spanish for "bad pass").
I don't know how long AMC is going to show old movies - they have made a lot of changes recently, including ads, more recent films, docuseries ("Backstory") - so I figure I'd view as many as I can for a while.
Cary Grant (the 1937 film "Topper") plays a museum collector awaiting a Jurassic parcel, with Katharine Hepburn ("Suddenly Last Summer") as a Gracie Allen channeler who he's saddled with in this one. Craziness ensues, and they eventually fall in love. "Baby" is a leopard, and I sincerely doubt that he was harmed in the making of this film (though some of his relatives were used for fur coats and leather shoes). Asta from the "Thin Man" movies also appears.
In one scene, Grant's clothes are ruined by the big cat (okay, they were harmed in the making of this film). Hepburn has her maid take them to the cleaners and suggests that Grant wear one of her robes until he could get his hands on something butch. Reluctantly, he agrees. Confronted at the door by a stranger asking about what he's wearing, he responds sarcastically that he "went gay all of a sudden." Grant ad-libbed that line - it wasn't in the script. (At the time, the "G" word to mean "homosexual" was used mainly by the showbiz community - it would be decades until it became a household word.) In another, Grant's special delivery is buried by the little dog. And in a third, Baby and Asta get acquainted (okay, as long as they were not harmed in the making of this film).
Soundtrack includes "I Can't Give You Anything But Love, Baby."
Directed by Howard Hawks (who also helmed Grant's "I Was a Male War Bride").
Needless to say, it's based on one of her novels. The high concept here is a melodramatic answer to "The Brady Bunch" (what was the question?).
Cardiosurgeon Michael Nouri ("Flashdance") plays the Mike Brady to TV personality Cheryl Ladd's ("Charlie's Angels") Carol, with Liz Sheridan ("Alf") as Alice, and Christopher Gartin (video game based on "Johnny Mnemonic"), Christie Clark (the soap "DOOL"), Ami Foster ("Punky Brewster"), Joseph Gordon-Levitt ("3rd Rock from the Sun") and Renee O'Connor ("Xena") as the kids. They all live in a man-oh-mansion - an estate that puts 4222 Clinton Way to shame.
The young Bradys never took the step of doing each other (never mind Barry "Greg" Williams dating Florence "Mom" Henderson in real life), but his son and her daughter DO - they have sex on the beach (not the drink), and you know what happens when that happens. The inevitable results are bad enough, but when you throw incest into the mix…on the other hand, they're only stepsiblings. In any case, <campyvoice> that's not normal! </campyvoice>
As you can probably guess, I normally avoid Lifetime fare like the plague - I prefer viewing, let alone reviewing, lighter stuff. Someone else was watching it, and I was hooked - it's trainwreck TV.
That 70s musical about 20s Chicago is now a movie.
Aspiring entertainer Renee Zellweger ("Nurse Betty") runs out on husband John C. Reilly ("Boogie Nights") to hook with Dominic West ("Star Wars: Phantom Menace"), who promised her fame and fortune. After discovering that he's a rat, Zellweger shoots him dead. She winds up in jail, with Catherine Zeta-Jones ("Traffic") as another prisoner with stars in her eyes and blood on her hands, and Queen Latifah ("Living Single") as the matron. Zellweger's only hope for fame and freedom is attorney Richard Gere ("Pretty Woman") - he's good and he's expensive. Nevertheless, Reilly pays for Gere's services - and "The Night Chicago Died" meets O.J. Adding to the circus is Christine Baranski ("Cybill") as radio reporter Mary Sunshine. (Chita Rivera from Broadway's "Chicago," hiphop singer Mya and Lucy Liu from "Ally McBeal" also play inmates.)
In recent decades, musicals were box office poison, with the exception of kiddie cartoons and soundtrack-centric features. This feature takes the chance of reviving the genre by having the numbers portrayed as fantasies in Zellweger's mind - her surfing a piano ala Michelle Pfeiffer in "The Fabulous Baker Boys," Latifah orienting new prisoners by channeling Nell Carter doing Madonna's act, Reilly dressing and acting the clown to illustrate his loss of dignity, Gere going Bojangles during the trial, and another prisoner's hanging portrayed as a magician's disappearing act. Taye Diggs ("How Stella Got Her Groove Back") introduces these daydreams.
Before either this film or the stage show, 1942's "Roxie Hart" told the same story (albeit without song or dance), with Ginger Rogers in Zellweger's dancing shoes, Adolphe Menjou in Gere's legal briefs and Spring Byington in Baranski's pillbox hat.
Gere, Zellweger and the movie won Golden Globes. Can an Oscar be far behind?
Starring: Richard Gere, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger
Directed by: Rob Marshall
Tagline: A flash of leg, the taste of gin, the smell of beer farts, and beds that go bump in the night. Anywhere else it would be a crime to have a Gerbil stuffer in top billing again... but this is Chicago.
Plot Outline: Murderesses Velma Kelly-Catherine Zeta-Jones (Who blanked out and killed her cheating husband) and Roxie Hart Renee Zellweger (Who killed her boyfriend in a jealous rage) strive for fame at any costs including: Exposing your boobies in 1920s Chicago.
Synopsis: Again we have another off color attempt at nastalgia. With notable period flaws and horrible singing... "If you like singing in your performances "Cats is still playing the stage in Canada!" This is a Movie.. After the great Moulin rouge debacle you'd think hollywood would get a clue that, just becuase you can put the hottest female stars with a reformed Gerbil stuffer.. You can't save a smashed carreer, and you certainly can't rewrite Thelma & Louise into a musical.
But then again, most movie reviewers are gay..("Not that there's anything wrong with that.")
"The Beaver Sings the Blues!"
Starring: Gary Mathers as: "The Beaver" (TFW38@aol.com)
Roman Polanski ("Knife in the Water") directs Jack Nicholson ("A Few Good Men") in this crime noir. Polanski also pierces Nicholson's nose in a cameo.
The opening credits (in monochrome) suggest a Hays-era classic, and the fact that this movie was shot when the lion's share of credits were shown before the feature helped. After a close-up of disturbing photos, the picture turns color, and L.A. P.O. turned P.I. Jake Gittes (Nicholson), formerly of the Asian community beat, tries to comfort his assistant (Burt Young of "Rocky"), "blessed" with the task of developing them.
Enter Diane Ladd ("Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore"), claiming that her husband is unfaithful. As per her statement, he (Darrell Zwerling of "Joe Versus the Volcano") is in charge of the city's water supply. He later turns up dead.
Enter Faye Dunaway ("Bonnie and Clyde"), claiming the same identity as Ladd because she's the real Miss Thang. Ladd later confesses that she's the other woman in Zwerling's life.
Jack's not the joker this time director John Huston plays the wild card in this deck.
All this leads to a conspiracy that makes the adultery pale. But wait Dunaway has more! Can Nicholson handle the truth?
Despite accusations of an unspeakable crime which drove him into exile, Polanski is still considered a top director by the Hollywood community Roger Ebert wasn't the only critic to give his recent "The Pianist" two thumbs up.
Robert Evans ("Marathon Man") produced. His autobiography "The Kid Stays in the Picture" (filmed in 2002) told of his rise (Paramount studio head), fall (personal problems) and rise again as producer ("Out-of-Towners" remake). Evans produced the sequel "The Two Jakes," but it didn't warrant a third one.
Because millions of mommies demanding something to put in the VCR to keep the kids quiet demanded it, Disney sanctioned this direct2video sequel to its 1950 movie. Before you can say "Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo," the Fairy Godmother grants mice Gus and Jaq's wish for a story telling what happened after happily ever after.
Half a century passed between the two features, so naturally the original voices aren't reprising their roles. Jennifer Hale ("Mighty Ducks" cartoon) is the new Cinderella, with Christopher Daniel Barnes ("The Little Mermaid") as her Prince Charming, Russi Taylor ("DuckTales") as her F.G., and Susanne Blakeslee (Nick's "Fairly Oddparents" and Disney's "Kingdom Hearts" for PS2) as her wicked stepmother.
Cindy discovers she can't be herself AND princess at the same time - nevertheless, she tries to juggle both roles. After that story is resolved, Jaq (Rob Paulsen from "Animaniacs"), feeling insignificant as a mouse, wishes to be human, and F.G. complies. Following these two lessons in being yourself is a minidrama in which Cinderella tries to help her stepsister (Tress MacNeille from "Rescue Rangers") be a better person (Taylor plays the other stepsister) and find love herself (Paulsen voicing a baker). No glass slippers this time, though if you really want them that bad, just wrap Saran Wrap around your feet.
In the classic story, the slipper was fur - a mistranslation made it glass. A Chinese version had it gold, resembling fish scales - playing the F.G.'s part was a fish.
New to Disney's D2V larder is "101 Dalmatians 2" (don't confuse with "102 Dalmatians"). (The studio's also releasing "Jungle Book 2" (sequelizing the 1967 toon), but releasing it to theaters.)
Disney presents the story of two who meet at a young age, blissfully unaware that they are from mutually antagonistic groups, but nevertheless bond. But enough about "The Fox and the Hound".
A Congressional representative (Carl Lumbly from "Alias"), his wife (Penny Johnson Jerald from "24") and their daughter (Shadia Simmons from Disney Channel's "Zenon the Zequel") play host to an African girl, not expecting her (Lindsey Haun from the telemovie "Addams Family Reunion") to be a South African, and a Caucasian at that. The surprise is mutual, as black African-American and white South African panic.
Simmons and Haun eventually decide to make the best of this and be chums, to Lumbly's chagrin - he's trying to expose the truth about the country's Jim Crow ways, and here he is being nice to Haun, whose dad, as a local cop, is like the Gestapo.
Needless to say, this docudrama is a period project, set before South Africa abandoned its segregationist policy - props in Simmons' room include Shaun Cassidy and KC and the Sunshine Band records (you were expecting 8-tracks?) and Lumbly's office include a photo of President Carter and a copy of "Roots" (the book, not the miniseries). It's like "The Brady Bunch" meets Norman Lear.
Most Disney Channel projects are happier than the dwarf Happy (and there are some light moments here), but the tension in this one is so thick - you know the rest. That's what you get for playing the race card for good or bad. In any case, this telemovie won an Emmy, so it had to be good.
Kevin Hooks (the recent remake of "Sounder") directed. As an actor in the late 70s (the film's setting), Hooks co-starred in "The White Shadow" with Thomas Carter, now a director ("Save the Last Dance").
Who ever directed this movie didn't get even a quarter from the tooth fairy.
The story commences with a short story about Mathilda, the old woman who would exchange milk tooth with a gold coin. Come on! what would she do with a milk tooth? grind it and make condensed milk out of it? or probably make a new denture so she could enjoy bingo nights better?
Alas! 2 boys were found missing. And dear Ms. Mathilda was blamed for it. so, the town burned her. Why didn't she burn her for all those gross milk teeth in the first place? and where did she get all those gold coins from? the milk man who would pay her for each milk tooth? remind me not to have any milk delivered to my place...
Then comes revenge for burning her at the stake. and she can't get you if you stay in the light because her face was badly burned from a stupid accident. well, it's supposed to be the 21st century and sun block with spf 1000 can definitely solve this problem...
Really, if they should ever think about doing a horror picture, why can't they just write Hugh Hefner's life? thousands of bunnies going after a badly wrinkled dirty old man? no wonder they don't serve rabbit soup in the market nowadays! and the playboy mansion? what do you want to do with a pair of shrunken balls? wait a minute, where do those California raisins come from???? (tea sigh)
Ok, here we have Al Pacino trying to have us believe that he is the evil one. Come on the guy is 4ft 9. None the less, Keanu Reeves is soooo innocent as the up and coming trial attorney. Not at all believable. Even his southern accent was unreal.
Moreover, Al Pacino's screaming in some scenes has the viewer thinking that Michael Corleone could have pulled it off much better. It seems that Mr. Pacino has practiced injecting heroine in his life time.
When Mr. Pacino made that awful movie, Author, Author, I knew he was one french fry short of a happy meal.
Awww well, the last part of the movie did have me a bit un-nerved. Afterall, Pacino's office in the movie, had a mural on the wall that came alive. Can you imagine old man Corleone's anger knowing that the family business had turmed to thoughts of El Diavalo?
Well, if you liked the Exorcist, WATCH IT again? There were better scenes. And, besides, Linda Blair was REALLY on drugs during that time. So, if you need a "Fright Night", try watching The Exorcist instead. At least she was serving up pea soup instead of Corleone's Italian gravy.
When pressed to answer how they'd fill all the slots when they added so many new channels, I have the feeling that the Cinemax people answered, "We'll just lower our standards!" It isn't so much that this movie is BAD.... but it isn't that good, either. File it under "I only watched the whole thing because there were no commercials to break it's evil hypnotic effect." It stars Rob Lowe... I'll forgive Rob a lot for his stunning impression of young Robert Wagner in "Austin Powers." But if they'd managed to sneak in some of his infamous sex footage, it would have made the movie a lot more fun. Here's the deal: Rob goes chasing after his wife in Greece thinking she's run out on him and is having an affair Greek style (I know what some of you are thinking, and I'd tell you to be ashamed, but I thought of it too). Meanwhile, the image of Artemis from her temple (one of the seven wonders), recently found, is set to be traded off on the same ferry out of Athens that Rob leading characters give it just the right touch to make it watchable, and the director really tried to make the most of what he had. The thing that was most unusual was the excellent attention to technical detail. I have an annoying habit (well, it annoys others, I'm perfectly cool with it) of scientifically debunking technical details in action movies (sue me, I minored in science). And nearly every time I said "Watch, they're about to screw up the laws of physics regarding air pressure underwater," they'd actually get it right. Kudos to the technical advisor, whoever it may be. Most unbelievable part: at the end, the filthy rich bastard who hatched the plot and got a lot of people killed gets busted by the FBI. Right, like THAT ever happens...
Reasons why the updated version isn't as good as the original:
-There wasn't anything WRONG with the original
-It's purely a marketing ploy to get you to buy it again. Remember New Coke?
-It's longer, and the kids already get squirrely after the first half hour
-Filled with subliminal messages of "Steven Spielberg is God"
-Still left out the controversial scene where E.T. gets the dog pregnant
-Changing the police guns to radios was unnecessary and silly. What are the police supposed to do? "Stop, or I'll talk real bad about you on the radio?" Besides, the NRA is really pissed off about it, and you don't want Charlton Heston all over you.
-The product placement is really annoying... I find the young Drew Barrymore's conspicuous use of Jack Daniels especially pushy, even if it IS a family tradition
-When E.T. comes out of that closet, he still doesn't show any solidarity with gay people
-The DVD package promises some hot scenes between the mom and E.T. but doesn't deliver
-If you play it backwards at slow speed, you get reruns of "Hello, Larry"
-The crossover appearance of Richard Dreyfuss as Roy Neary from "Close Encounters" was funny, but a little mean-spirited. These aliens are supposed to be nice, so why would they kick his ass out of their spaceship when it was still at 1,000 feet? And did he HAVE to land on the pregnant dog? I was looking forward to seeing what the puppies looked like
-They won't let you give unpronounceable names to the E.T. puppet that says goodbye on the ride at Universal's theme park. OK, it has nothing to do with the movie, but it still ticks me off.
-In the original movie, you could see that the plant that caused E.T. to be left behind was cannibas. The bastards airbrushed it to look like a Boston Fern. I LIKE Boston Ferns, but smoking them does nothing for me
- I think kids are smart enough to know that government agents aren't nice, well-meaning people
-When our hero calls his brother "penis breath," we STILL don't get an answer as to how he knows
Call me a purist.
Love and kisses,
Vin Diesel continues his effort to be the next king of action flicks, however, working next to a clone of Keanu Reeves won't help his career. Diesel's costar was so monotone, I can't even remember his name, So I'll just refer to him as KC (Keanu clone).
The movie takes place in LA and KC plays an undercover cop trying to bust a drag racing gang leader (Diesel) for hijacking several big rigs on LA's highways. The opening scene was hard to believe. Here's why. For those of you who never held up an 18 wheeler before, it is time consuming. The bad guys must cut ahead of the truck, shoot out the rig's front windshield, hoist themselves on the trucks hood, punch out the driver and take control. All this is done at 80 mph. That is not the unbelievable part. I can't comprehend the fact that these 4 vehicles had the highway ALL TO THEMSELVES. Sorry for shouting, but I drove on LA freeways before and they were so congested that I nearly became claustrophobic behind the wheel.
In another scene, KC and the gang, go to an illegal drag race right in the heart of town. The entire population of LA shows up except for police. Somebody with a police scanner informed everyone that the cops were in Glendale. ALL OF THEM?? There must have been a coffee & doughnut convention going on there. Anyway, KC enters a race and blows the engine and piston rings on his Eclipse. The entire police force finally gets back from "Glendale" and can't catch any hellions. The best high speed pursuit officers in the world could not catch up to an over heated Eclipse (OJ is wishing he was that lucky)Wow, that's a great car. I give this movie 2 stars out of 5. Now I'm off to buy an Eclipse. (BikeMike101@aol.com)
From the title alone, you can surmise the director, William Malone (Alien Collection Vol. 1: Creature/The Slime People) and the entire cast and crew of this picture have never been to a website, or even logged onto the Internet for that matter. We can all wish there was a website out there with this type of user response and glitch free page transition.
Fear Dot Com.com/dotcom is the story of a cop, Stephen Dorff (Cecil B. Demented) and his assistant, Sykes, played by master horror actor Jeffery Combs (Frieghtners -- who is all but unrecognizable in this film), and a sexy Ho, Natascha McElhone (The Devil's Own) who discover people are dying from some form of quick spreading, eye melting virus ... No, not a virus ... something worse ... A little white girl with white hair in a white dress and white shoes tossing a white ball against a white wall ... scary stuff!!
The victims are only haunted (eventually stalked and killed) by this little tyke after they visit www.feardotcomdotcom.com/fear.html where visitors are asked if they want to see the live webcam mutilation of a barely legal, young blonde bimbo. (The rumor about blonds not having any brains? Not true). The madman, or thing, is played by Stephen Rea (The Crying Game) and the only explanation we can find, is the arousal that I've found ever since he's been on line ... His torture's put him at the top of the seriously sick, live webcam, demented hit list.
Our heroes can only defeat the evil as they both have been to the website and have to deal with the white haired girl bouncing her ball for 48 hours together. All the while yet another hottie finds out the little girl had a form of Hemophilia, a disease only associated with boys, and some sort of secretive past. ... I had passed out by then, but awoke in time to see the climax as the little girl's ball gets deflated, the evil is defeated and there are a lot of CGI graphics along with all this. The Mushroom Factory scene on the DVD release was pure genius.
What's the plot? I forgot. This movie was Joan Crawford in her decline (not that her finest moments were anything to write home about.) Starred also Frank Lovejoy if my memeory serves me correctly You'll remember this movie, though. And perhaps, like me, you'll turn to your wife everytime you take the garbage out and say, 'Good-byyyyyyyyyye, my Fancy.' (JDPSharkie@aol.com)
Besides guys who hate chick flicks, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? Consider this low impact "Fear Factor."
In the spirit of "Best Defense," which told multiple stories with a gotcha linking them, this one does too. And they are:
Woolf (Nicole Kidman from "The Others") is the author of many books, including "Mrs. Dalloway," about a depressed woman trying to host a party. She herself is a prisoner in a lifestyle she considers suffocating.
A 1950s housewife (Julianne Moore from "Hannibal") is a reader of "Mrs. Dalloway," married with one child and pregnant with another, trying hard to please her husband (John C. Reilly of "Boogie Nights") by baking a birthday cake. A female neighbor visits, something happens, and her life changes.
A modern-day book editor (Meryl Streep from "One True Thing"), named after Mrs. Dalloway, volunteers to bring meals to an author with acquired immune deficiency syndrome (Ed Harris from "The Right Stuff"). In addition, he hears voices (Harris played a voice in "A Beautiful Mind"). Streep is hoping to host a party in Harris' honor, but Harris does not feel honored.
Claire Danes ("My So-Called Life") plays Streep's daughter; Allison Janney ("The West Wing") plays Streep's friend.
My parents wanted to see this movie. Ironically, they didn't like it. Hopefully, I can bug them to let me see something mindless next time.
This orgy in bibliophilia is itself based on a book by Michael Cunningham, and neither that nor "Mrs. Dalloway" are in Oprah's book club - Winfrey usually goes for more uplifting stuff.
Ah, the SciFi channel gives us such a wide swath of flicks to experience... some that delight, and others that make one cringe like so many fingernails on the chalkboards of our souls. I walked in at the start of House, which my dear spouse had turned on, in search of creature-feature comforts. Her taste, naturally, can be called into question... after all, after 20 years of being married to me, she has dysfunctions that are the dreams of analysts everywhere. But let that pass. However, this is no blood-and-gore slasher film lacking refinement and the slightest adherence to Kosher laws.... this movie is actually very funny. And unlike most horror films that turn out funny, these guys did it on purpose. William Katt (The Greatest American Hero) is a divorced writer of horror who has a problem with Viet Nam flashbacks (they warned you about the brown acid). He's just inherited a house reputed to be haunted.... and the mean old spirits hijack his son. T for people who are hooked on video games. An unexpected mix of suspense, slapstick and twists makes it worth a couple of hours. Do not, however, confuse it with any of its several sequels. They have nothing to do with the plot, characters or creativity of the first, and are best used to flush out your radiator. Or lay strips of the celluloid out to kill roaches, though you may get into trouble with the EPA for exposing a toxic substance to the environment. Oh, wait-- this is the Bush administration. What WAS I thinking?
This Paramount movie begins like a Rank one (as did "Extremely Goofy Movie"), followed by a showstopping musical number with Kate Capshaw ("Black Rain") singing "Anything Goes" in Chinese. Yes, Chinese. (The soundtrack also has the official John Williams scores.) But the show starts from here in this sequel, set before the first.
Dr. Henry Jones Jr. (call him Indiana after his dog) (Harrison Ford reprising his signature role) deals with two shady Asians for a diamond. Capshaw finds herself a hostage, and from here on in she's Ford's constant companion. Fleeing the rogues, they escape in a plane, but it's piloted by more rogues, who sabotage it and parachute out. They MacGyver a solution and find themselves in India. A villager tells Ford about a missing stone that is important to the village, and he agrees to find it. Thrills and chills ensue.
Batman had Robin; Ford has Ke Huy Quan (later "Head of the Class").
On the Indy score sheet, "Raiders" scores 2, "Temple" 0, "Last Crusade" 1.
Rated PG in theaters, critics lashed out at its pushing the envelope of taste, resulting in the creation of the PG-13 rating. This "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" in-between designation changed movies, not necessarily for the better. Films where the choice curse is "S***" don't have to be R, and most PGs since then are kiddie fare with token lite offensiveness. Instead of true artistic visions, movies are contrived with added or removed material to seek a desired rating.
Wanna feel old? Ford (age 61 now) reportedly will return in a fourth "Indy."
Directed by Steven Spielberg, who later married Capshaw. Producers include George Lucas.
Wish I knew a network executive; I'd like to create a telemovie called "Robot Dentist" - no, not a robot that pulls teeth, but a dentist that practices on robots. Until then, analyze this prime time feature:
A youth (Danny Nucci from "Titanic") wants to be a doctor, but being from a poor Italian neighborhood, it's not easy. So, he makes the money the old-fashioned way - he and a friend (Jonathan Scarfe from Toronto) steal it from a mobster.
The second cop on "Law & Order," Paul Sorvino goes Soprano here as said don whose legitimate front is in construction. Sorvino finds out about the theft, and threatens to have them jailed, but instead maneuvers his job connections to get Nucci into an Italian medical school. (Scarfe gets the jail - Sorvino ain't absolutely merciful.)
Years later, Nucci graduates, and gets a position in a hospital. He also gets a wife - a former lounge singer (Joanne Kelly in her first TV-movie).
The consequences of Mafia ties begin to noose Nucci in hour two.
Olympia Dukakis ("Moonstruck") plays Sorvino's wife - and Nucci's patient.
Though set in New Jersey, it's filmed in Canada. Hey, Canadians pay lower prices for prescription drugs than Americans - and the Canadian dollar is worth approximately 75 American cents!
HBO's "family" values drama is preferred to this, but it looks like it's gonna go six feet under. Time for the Fishers to bury James Gandolfini's career - it's whacked.
Until next time, when the network runs "Mafia Accountant," don't choke on your popcorn.
God bless Flix for bringing me this celluloid "gem" at one a.m. when I couldn't sleep. Having seen the original "Fritz the Cat," I was curious to see this sequel, which I'd never heard of. Of course, there was a reason I'd never heard of it, but I'm not at my best at one a.m. In fact, I'm still trying to discover when the hell I AM at my best.... but let that pass.
For you cultural illiterates, Fritz the Cat is a character invented by counterculture artist R. Crumb (Oh, for God's sake, the guy who drew the "Keep on Truckin'" guy.... where have you guys been, Cleveland?). It's a shamelessly dirty, drug-intensive and morally bankrupt cartoon character. In other words, a lot of fun. In 1972, taste-impaired animator Ralph Bakshi (look, go here and learn: www.imdb.com, then do some work at www.google.com) produced quite a stir by releasing a feature length version of Fritz the Cat, rated X. Yessir, an X-rated cartoon. Though not the first, if you're curious or if you've been in your mom's basement for too long. I DO recommend seeing the original. It's really an experience you should have, and ideally in an altered state (no, not like Rhode Island..... I resent that, Cad, you KNOW I'm from Rhode Island. You're from New Jersey, so cast no stones
Unfortunately, this piece of tripe was made in 1974 without R. Crumb, without Ralph Bakshi, and without most of the cankered excess of the first. "Nine Lives" refers to a bunch of story vignettes about Fritz's adventures. In other words, there's no plot. And the people who made it were either too stoned to concentrate, or not stoned enough. If there's anything I can't stand, it's people without enough discipline to know how to be properly stoned. So we are treated to a lot of fishwife-like screaming from his fat girlfriend, mostly about Fritz doing too much weed. Of course, she fails to get the point that she's the reason WHY he's doing so much weed. So she kicks him out, and he wanders through all these vignettes. He tries to cash a welfare check, he impugns the morals of the liquor store owner's wife, manages to offend Jews, boinks his friend's sister, serves as valet to Hitler, and meets a wino who says he's God. On the surface, you say
Anyway, first Fritz is anatomically correct. Then he isn't. Then he is again. I'd be really annoyed if that were me. And even though there's a good sprinkling of inter-species romping, all the females are so skanky-looking that even Bill Clinton couldn't get aroused looking at them. The best sections are the wino-is-God sequence and the Hitler sequence, which is the only part of the movie to rise to the level of inexplicably bizarre. Your best bet is to tape this flick, so you can fast-forward through the lame parts, and rewind to get a better look at the more entertaining parts.
To sum up: this movie disappoints by failing to live up to the Grateful Dead acid trip that it should be. And it annoys by being an amusing short masquerading as a feature-length film. Get the original Fritz. It delivers on the promise "If you're easily offended, you will be." Yowza!
A videotaped 1985 telemovie, made for New York's PBS station, as seen on "Mystery Science Theatre." A janitor (here series writer Mike Nelson; originally series creator Joel Hodgson) was captured by madmen and forced to view bad movies. Robots sit with the captive and help him comment on said movies.
It is the future, and Raul Julia ("Kiss of the Spider Woman") is a computer programmer caught downloading the movie "Casablanca." (Oh well, at least it isn't porn.) As a result, he is to get reprogrammed himself. (Other people just get fired for playing Solitaire at their work screens.) A reprogrammer (Linda Griffiths from Canadian projects) falls in love with Julia, and eventually becomes his ally.
Needless to say, Julia's Bogie fixation threatens society. (Hey, the Democrats said violent entertainment threatens society; it got them re-elected! The Republicans say the same about sexy entertainment; it gets them mocked.)
In a virtual playing it again of the movie with Julia as Rick Blaine, Wanda Cannon ("My Secret Identity") plays a floozy who functions as Sam. (Cannon also plays a programmer; other cast members have dual roles, including Griffiths in Ingrid Bergman's part.)
During "intermissions," the show's villain (series writer Mary Jo Pehl) would spoof PBS pledge nights, complete with tote bags.
The FX here is cheesy, but to be fair, "Doctor Who" (a popular British show at the time and also a PBS staple) had cheese too. Since advanced technology, today's TV sci-fi puts that show to shame.
I was a teenage PBS operator. Between pledge breaks, I would hang out in a lounge and eat snacks. A cab would drive me home. I got a keychain - no tote bag.
FUN FACT: Warner Bros. uses "As Time Goes By" for its corporate theme.
Without a doubt this was the worst picture ever made.
The PLAN was revive three corpses and take over the world.
Bella Lugosi was the villain Fortunately he died before it was released. A chiropactor took over his role and ran around in a black cape. This way you couldn't see his face.
Vampira also was in this picture. How she ever got to TV is, well she did have some outstanding features.
The flying saucers were hub caps on strings
The monster wore an old fashion diving suit. You know the one that had those MONSTER EYES
This a short review because I sit here and laugh so much it's hard to type. (Nitramxxx@aol.com)
This little gem has been bouncing around HBO & Cinemax. The description sounds silly, but if you're in the mood for a few laughs, you could do worse. This is an expansion of a sketch on the Chris Rock show. "God," you groan, "not another Saturday Night Live-type movie bomb!" OK, the script isn't brilliant.... but the performances and the gags carry you through. Pootie Tang (Lance Crouther) is a sort of hero/recording artist/role model. Nobody can understand what he says, least of all the audience. But people ACT as if they do... and everyone thinks he's the coolest guy in the world. His secret: a "magic" belt he inherited from his father. Of course, it all gets screwed up by Robert "Man from U..N.C.L.E." Vaughan, who tries to corrupt our hero and rob him of his power. OK, like I said, it ain't much of a plot. Pootie is played dead seriously, and the supporting characters get to go overboard and downright cartoonish, especially Wanda Sykes as "Biggie Shorty." OK, basically she's playing Wanda Sykes, but she's better dressed. Look for various appearances by Chris Rock, Reg E. Cathey, Dave Attell ("Insomniac" on Comedy Central) and Andy Richter. Production values are pretty low, but if you're looking for a flashy movie, this isn't one of them. It's just silly fun, maybe a good follow up to a too-serious movie, like "Signs," which I wrote a review of but Cad won't post it because he hasn't seen it yet. Pity, it's scintillatingly brilliant. My review, not the movie.
Every St. Patrick's Day, somebody trots this one out. It's either that or a marathon of "Spongebob" cartoons focusing on his starfish friend… Sean Thornton (John Wayne, the Duke himself) is an Irish-American who, born in the country of Erin going bragh, returns to buy his childhood homestead and live a serene life. Despite Wayne's wishes, it won't be quiet: a rival (Barry Fitzgerald from "Going My Way") also wants the land. Angry at the Duke, he picks a fight, but Wayne does everything but draw a fist. Adding to Fitzgerald's chagrin, Wayne is sweet on his sister (Maureen O'Hara, the Duke's co-star in "McLintock"). How sweet? They marry in a big fat Irish wedding. A man says that Wayne's character name "has a familiar ring to it," foreshadowing the real reason for the Duke's journey.
SPOILER WARNING! Turns out that Wayne was a boxer in America - and one who killed his last opponent. A heated exchange prompting a duke from the Duke segues into that flashback - O'Hara is denied her dowry. Wayne feels they can live without it, though - money caused his troubles and, in his humble opinion, it won't solve them. Ward Bond ("Wagon Train") plays Wayne's one true friend, a priest who shows him there's a difference between fighting and fighting for something. This leads to the climatic last half hour. On St. Patrick's Day, everyone's Irish - they put on clovers and drink green beer, feeling kinship with the people saved from the snakes by that man. You don't see that sort of thing with other ethnic holidays.
Directed by John Ford ("Donovan's Reef," also with Wayne), honored with a little gold man for this job.
If you've never seen this 1938 "gem," get off your weed-numbed butt and find it. Also released under the titles "Tell Your Children," "Dope Addict," "Doped Youth," "Love Madness," and "The Burning Question," this is one of the funniest damn movies ever made. Not that the producers had that in mind; oh, no, this was a dead-serious anti-marijuana propaganda film. It's so intensely bad, it couldn't possibly be taken seriously, and therefore has probably led to more people trying marijuana than all the Cheech & Chong movies put together. Shot on a budget that looks like it was about the price of a dime bag, it features an stunningly over-written script... even George W. Bush would find it stupid (though as we all know, he didn't prefer reefer, he was a cokehead). The acting is so bad, it makes "Plan 9 from Outer Space" look like Oscar material (though since the Academy awarded a Best Picture Oscar to "Rocky" and once nominated Kevin Costner for an Acting Oscar, they have not they were just too stoned to get it finished.
Sabrina goes to Rome! No, not the Melissa Joan Hart character (who went there in an episode), but Audrey Hepburn in a reversal of her 1954 role. (Audrey is "introduced" here, but IMDB has a few prior credits for her.)
She is a princess, complete with tiara, gown and slippers - you can tell she's getting tired of the position when she slips out of one and has trouble reclaiming it. And complete with protocol - it's enough to drive a girl insane. But little Audrey has the cure: running away from it all, disguised as a commoner.
Also in town is reporter Gregory Peck, encountering an exhausted Hepburn as she sleeps al fresco by a landmark. Both unaware of each others' stations, they strike up a friendship. The word of MIA Audrey gets out to Greg at work, and he realizes that the sleeping girl is the missing princess.
Later famous for "Green Acres," Eddie Albert plays a photographer, enlisted to help Peck write his princess diaries. Local actress Gorella Gori appears, but doesn't do anything special - I just like typing the name.
Filmed completely in Rome. No Italians were harmed in the making of this movie.
This film led to an Oscar for Hepburn and her "Sabrina" role, another essay in her peak as a woman-child. (No slouch himself, Peck Oscared in "To Kill a Mockingbird.")
"Sabrina" was remade; this one was too, for TV, with Catherine Oxenberg (Princess Diana in a 1992 docudrama) in Hepburn's court shoes.
Dalton Trumbo (blacklist scandal) wrote the screenplay, but was not credited for it until recently. Directed by William Wyler (Hepburn's "Children's Hour").
FUN FACT: Audrey and Katharine Hepburn are not related.
Not "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" (and certainly not Harrison Ford's remake), but Billy Wilder's adaptation of "Sabrina Fair," with Audrey Hepburn starring.
She's the daughter of a Long Island chauffeur (John Williams from "Family Affair," not the remake). His employers are a privileged family (ten companies and counting) whose members include two brothers, workaholic Humphrey Bogart ("Casablanca") and playboy William Holden (Wilder's "Sunset Boulevard").
Despite her station, Hepburn goes to a French cooking school in Paris (hey, Saddam wasn't born yet). She has learned well, and not just how to make a soufflé (Audrey also had a social makeover in "My Fair Lady").
TCM has gentleman Robert Osbourne introducing each film; AMC uses select civilians for some movies - with this one, a "Nooyawka" comments on how Hepburn doesn't have the native accent. Indeed, even before coming back home from Paris, Audrey acts like a princess, albeit one miserable about the guys ignoring her. Afterwards, she also looks the part, attracting Holden's attention - he never noticed her before. And she's more sophisticated than ever. Even Bogie notices, and he'd rather invent super-tough plastic than pursue some Jackie O dressalike.
The big complication is that Holden is engaged to the daughter of another rich family (Martha Hyer from "Houseboat"), and Bogart wants to deal with said family, but if Holden and Hepburn hook, Bogey's off the hook. So, he pursues the Jackie O dressalike. Both brothers flabbergast the father (Walter Hampden from "All About Eve") - imagine, gentry dating the help!
Product placement wasn't around then, but a Scrabble game does cameo.
Miss Mr. Rogers? Bogey imitates his trademark costume change in one scene.
Hepburn is immortal - not like "Highlander," but in the sense that she'll be remembered forever. Can Ford's leading lady say that?
You might ask why I, MooseSpeak, would be watching a 1954 MGM musical. Good question. Thank my daughter, who not only loves musicals but is currently appearing in the stage version. Therefore I was "treated" to numerous showings of this flick. There are many reasons why you wouldn't relate to the story, but there are some genuine as well as guilty pleasures. Here's the scoop: it's set in 1850's Oregon, where there are 10 times as many men as there are women. This situation scared the hell out of the livestock (more on that later). There's a family of seven (coincidence?) brothers living outside the small town. Nobody likes these guys... they're rowdy, uncouth, unwashed and lacking in the finer social graces. They have everything except "Delta Tau Delta" over the front door. The oldest, Adam (Howard Keel) of the Pontipee brothers (insert your own scatological joke here) goes into town one day and decides that along with supplies, he wants tout the plot... The story is contrived and, like so many MGM musicals, they frequently break into song and dance with little reason (I call this "Britney Spears Syndrome"). However, there are some things you'll like: Howard Keel and Jane Powell are engaging performers, and they sing real purty. The dancing is genuinely fabulous, with one amazingly acrobatic sequence at a barn raising, led by former gymnast Russ Tamblyn. Several of the songs are quite catchy, and there is one, called "I'm a Lonesome Polecat" sung by the brothers.... it almost didn't make it past the censors, due to what they called "Unwholesome references to sex with animals, particularly sheep." I love it when they manage to sneak subversive material into a film (Check out recent Disney animated films; the artists have managed to sneak in at least one very phallic item into every one of them). Look for Julie Newmar and Ruta Lee in early appearances, and under different names (Newmar's character was nam it everywhere... it's really fun. I think my daughter is still pissed at me.
Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson are back for the sequel to their earlier film, Shanghai Noon (One of Jackie Chan's best)
Like all Jackie Chan movies, he gets caught up in some scheme, gets to the bottom of it, and fights his way out using whatever he can get his hands on.
Owen Wilson's style and comedy was a great addition to Jackie Chan's tried-and-true kung fu comedy formula in Shanghia Noon, and he does it again in Shanghai Knights.
In Shanghai Knights, while out to avenge the murder of Chon's father, Chon, Roy, and Chon's sister, Lin, uncover a plot that would make the villains the rulers of England and China. Of course you know that the heros will save the day, but you have to watch it to see how they do it, i.e. Chon Wang uses umbrellas in one fight scene, another fight scene is in a Wax Museum (wax arms, wax legs, hint hint). Watch it to see how Roy and Lin get together (in one scene, Roy asks Lin if they can do the position from page 37 of the Karma Sutra).
mr_didgers gives this film ***1/2 out of *****
Al Pacino ("The Godfather") plays the Svengali to the perfect Trilby - she isn't real.
He's a washed-up movie producer whose star (Winona Ryder from the L.A. penal system) is a real diva - her contract specifies that she be served Jujubees daily with the red ones removed first. Unable to work with Pacino, she walks.
Catherine Keener ("Death to Smoochy") plays the studio boss - and Pacino's ex. She informs him that he's out, unless a miracle happens. It comes in the form of a one-eyed hacker (Elias Koteas from the movie "Ninja Turtles") - computering ruined the other - who gives him software called "Simulation One." With it, he creates Simone, inserts "her" in the movie, the film's a success, the world loves "her," and Pacino has to do smoke and mirrors to prove "she" exists and oddball working demands to cover the truth about his false idoless.
The secret of Sim One (and with it, Simone) is it takes data from other actors and compiles it to the virtual thespian. "She" can imitate Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" - just add the DVD.
Complications include a tabloid reporter (Pruitt Taylor Vince from "The Cell") out to expose the real Simone (unaware that "she" isn't real, of course).
Jay Mohr ("SNL") plays Simone's co-star - all his scenes with "her" are with a stand-in until Pacino does his digitizing.
Evan Rachel Wood ("Profiler") plays the one successful product of the Pacino/Keener marriage.
An actress named Rachel Roberts (not to be confused with a namesake from "Foul Play") is the model for the virtual Simone.
People laugh at flesh-n-blood actors, say they're unreal - by that, they usually mean they're acting even outside of a film. Good thing "Final Fantasy" didn't catch on, or this movie would be a documentary.
From blaxploitation to the lambada, bad trends have inspired bad movies, including this adaptation of a Friedanesque Ira Levin novel (he also wrote "Rosemary's Baby").
Katherine Ross ("Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid") plays a New York photographer who moves to the suburbs with her family. Relocating can change a guy as he must adapt to new surroundings, but when the women come off like Marabel Morgan drones, this is SO too much.
The Stepford husbands have their own little He-Man Woman Hater's Club. Wait'll you get a load of their pet project!
Paula Prentiss ("He & She") plays Ross' best friend, perhaps the only other free-thinking woman in town. They try to sell the other women into consciousness-raising, but they just won't bite.
ODDBALL CASTING ALERT #1! Judith Baldwin, who assumed Tina Louise's role in "Gilligan's Island" reunion telemovies and appeared in "The Stepford Children" TV sequel, is in this one with Louise.
ODDBALL CASTING ALERT #2! Mary Stuart Masterson ("Benny & Joon") makes her screen debut as one of Ross' daughters; father Peter ("The Exorcist") plays Ross' spouse.
Feminism didn't survive the 70s, but it did inspire today's female achievers - Sally Ride boldly went where no woman had gone before. Woman's liberation was why the "sexual revolution" was so-called originally; that term now only applies to open and expanded intimate options.
REMAKE ALERT! Frank Oz (Muppets) reportedly will direct a new version with Nicole Kidman ("The Hours") in Ross' Nine Wests.
FUN FACT: Levin also wrote the play "No Time for Sergeants." Now THAT'S scary.
A movie about an up and coming New York Politician who proposes to an up and coming fashion designer. The catch? She's been married to a hick looser and can't get him to sign the divorce papers.
Chick flick from the opening scene. This movie sucked so bad, I could not even pay attention. Who gives a girl a million dollar engagement ring and then just lets her go? Screw that! I would have treated Alabama as if it were Iraq.
The only good scene was when grandpa was shooting anvils around with a cannon like they were bottle rockets.
My girlfriend kept squeezing my hand so hard, as if we were watching a horror movie, and uttered, "He's so cute" so many times I had to go to the rest room and smoke a doobie. When I returned to my seat, she was crying because the 'dog had died' (before the movie even started, mind you).
Such a classic song has now gone to waste.
Gidget and Mr. Smith go "She's Out of Control" in this obscure Sandra Dee/Jimmy Stewart starrer.
As the film starts, college professor Stewart is on trial for his academic life - embarrassing headlines have come to light. John McGiver (co-star in Stewart's 1971 sitcom) plays a dean judging this tribunal. Stewart tells his story, and the film begins.
Daughter Dee is a teen, so naturally Stewart just doesn't get it when she acts like one. She's going to college out of town, flying on TWA (now defunct), making the old man even older. Famous as Mrs. Ralph Kramden, Audrey Meadows plays Stewart's wife/Dee's mom.
On campus, Dee meets boys, joins protesters, is part of a musical act and paints portraits of women with too many breasts. In Paris, she does all that and more.
His daddy-sense tingling, Stewart sets out to find Dee, and finds nothing but trouble.
An uncredited Jim Nabors ("Gomer Pyle") plays a coffeehouse manager. You won't recognize him - he's not using his trademark voice. (Bob Denver, playing the house's main act, channels Maynard G. Krebs again.)
Robert Morley (British Airways ads) plays another dad with a college daughter. He and Stewart, both in seedy costume (Morley as Caesar, Stewart as Davy Crockett), intend to spy on their girls at a ball.
In a running gag, Stewart's character is confused with the actor playing him.
The screenplay by Nunnally Johnson ("The World of Henry Orient") adapts a stage play by Nora Ephron's parents (she directed "You've Got Mail").
Not every movie will be on VHS or DVD - this one certainly isn't. So it's fun to watch this footnote in any number of top stars' careers - if you can.
Judy Judy Judy! Alfred Hitchcock ("Psycho") directs this Cary Grant vehicle, as seen on AMC.
John Robie (Grant) is a reformed American cat burglar in Paris. As an allusion to his past life, he has a cat. Although he has gone straight, he is suspected of carrying out home invasions as the film begins. The Suerte (French police) come to his villa to interrogate him, forcing him to go fugitive.
Grant eventually finds an ally (John Williams from "Family Affair"), an agent with the insurance company Lloyd's of London (setting for another Robert Wagner series, "Lime Street"). As part of their mission, they befriend a mother (Jessie Royce Landis from "North by Northwest") and daughter (Grace Kelly from two other Hitchcock films) most likely to be struck by the copycat burglar, with Grant assuming an alias. They're staying at the French Riviera, where Kelly would later be real-life royalty.
As is the rule in a Grant movie, it's also a romancer, as Princess Grace is charmed by "Prince Cary." On her own, she discovers the truth about Grant, and agrees to aid him. Filmed in the last years of the Hays Code, this movie uses fireworks as a metaphor for the sparks between the two.
No Hitchcock movie is complete with a cameo from the director - he appears shortly after Grant's first escape.
A decade later, the series "It Takes a Thief" premiered. Who knows - maybe the TV execs who greenlighted it were fans of this film?
This movie, (pronounced "triple achtchchtthth", or better yet, just think of the sound a cat makes when coughing up a hairball) is truly one of the funniest movies I've seen in ages. This would be great if the movie had INTENTIONALLY been written as a comedy.
It stars Vin Diesel (pronounced "go back and get a REAL name") as a combination 'Bungee jumping extreme sports car thief' and 'Dr. Evil Look alike', who, after being caught by the FEDS (or MIBs), is offered the chance of a lifetime... a lead role in an action movie snubbed by every other respectable actor. Oh, wait... Sorry, I got reality mixed up with the script.
Of course that's something YOU won't do watching this celluloid "clean up on aisle 7" disappointment: Reality, or any similarity to it, is left to die, upside down, on its back, on the side of the road, in the hot desert sun (Damn, now I'm thirsty) in order to bring you: (deep breath) car chases, snowmobile chases, motorcycle chases, boat chases, and other chases using virtually every mode of transportation, save donkeys and roller-skates. In nearly every scene there is something either burning or careening out of control only to blow up and burn in the next scene.
Vin cheats death as often as I use parentheses. The near misses and narrow escapes he appears to pull off are only possible due to the fact that the crashes and explosions most likely killed the real stuntmen. ANYONE who can out-ski an avalanche, and I don't mean one that turns from an SUV into a pick up truck, has more lives than (OMG they killed) KENNY! More lives than video game icon MARIO. More lives than the 422 cats they had to gas to make that damn fur contraption that he wears for 3/4 of the movie. I swear, I think he had it on during a SCUBA scene.
Vin's screen presence is awesome. Geeez, I cant even TYPE that with a straight face. He has the same "je ne se qua" as a fishstick, albeit a fishstick with muscles. And that ACTING!?! During the course of the movie he gets to blurt such memorable lines as "It was only a Corvette". Actually, that's about the last thing I remember him saying. Everything that came out of his mouth after that is a blur. Kinda like the night I.... Oh never mind. I don't remember that either.
Its the kind of movie that makes you say "This is a good day to drink." The kind of movie that makes you laugh hysterically..at all the wrong places. The kind of movie that makes you wish you were both making out in the back row, even thought you are watching it with your bowling partner. The kind of movie that makes you want to make an appointment to have your appendix removed... with a weedeater.
Before the movie is over you will be praying, Begging GOD on your Hands and Knees, that our HERO will be unable to save the world from TOTAL DESTRUCTION, and that he will DIE in a fiery crash, SCREAMING in agony and defeat. ...Because you know its a comparatively small price to pay in order to ensure that Americans and citizens of the REAL world don't endure a worse fate: THE SEQUEL.
Okay, so maybe Vin Diesel is hot. A few times you saw him shirtless, (by far the best part of the movie). But am I the only one that missed entirely what this move was about? I am convinced this movie had a hidden plot you had to find by having a fox-like swiftness and an IQ of 110. It reminds me of a little kid that broke a china plate....then grabs the Elmer's to do a quick fix up job. At first you can't tell the plate is glued back together.....but then you start seeing missing chipped off pieces and big globs of white glue. I am clueless about this movie, at the end you are kind of left jaw-dropped in awe, wondering "Hey! Where did the rest of the movie go?"
I recommend this movie to aspiring super slueths....and adrenaline junkies (the plot line may have reeked but the action was great.) AND if anyone, anyone at all finds out the mission this movie was trying to accomplish.....you have way to much time on your hands.....
With the Cruelest of Intentions-